Savage Love: Degrading Games

Nov 1, 2017 at 10:31 am
Dan Savage Love

Q: I am a pretty handsome gay (I have been told) and I am dating a gorgeous man. I am 34, and he is 31. I am bottom only, and he is top only — so it’s a good match. He seems sincerely interested in me and we are talking about being together. But here is the thing: He noticed that I have a rather small penis. I am under the average, and his dick is quite big and long. Since he discovered this, he fancies about “humiliating” me about my “small pee-pee.” He would even like me to show it to his friends. I am not ashamed of the size of my penis because it’s how I am made and I can’t change it. But I wonder what this idea means for him. I would somehow understand that he would put me down if he suffered from a “small dick complex,” but since he is so well-endowed, I don’t get it. Is it a common turn-on for some top guys to imagine that their partner is smaller than them? Does it hide something else maybe?

—Humiliated Over Tackle

P.S. English is not my mother tongue. I apologize for this.

A: I don’t have a problem with your English — it’s doubtless better than my [insert your mother tongue here] — I have a problem with your potential boyfriend.

Small penis humiliation (SPH) is a kink popular enough to have spawned a porn genre. There are more than 76,000 SPH-themed porn videos on XTube — and XTube is just one of the various porn tubes out there ruining everything for everyone. Over at PornHub, there are SPH videos with more than two million views. That’s all anecdote, not data, HOT, but it’s anecdote enough to confirm that, yes, small penis humiliation is definitely a thing. And it can be a very good thing for guys whose erotic imaginations transformed their anxieties about having small dicks into a kink they enjoy.

But you are not one of those guys. You like your dick fine, and you’ve got the exact right attitude about your dick — indeed, all men everywhere, regardless of size, should embrace their dicks the way you’ve embraced your own. Your dick is your dick, you can’t change it, and you shouldn’t be ashamed of it. And big or small, HOT, your dick has all the same nerve endings as that big and long thing on the guy who might be your boyfriend someday (but who’s definitely a presumptuous asshole right now).

As with most kinks — bondage, cuckolding, foot fetishes, diapers, pup play — subs/bottoms are way more common than Doms/tops. So it’s usually the guy with the small dick who initiates small penis humiliation games with his partner, HOT, not the boyfriend with the bigger dick and/or the girlfriend with the pussy and/or the bigger dick. (Some women have dicks, all women can purchase strap-ons.) While there are SPH tops out there — just as there are bondage tops (half of whom are frustrated bondage bottoms) — their numbers are far smaller.

But the issue here isn’t stumbling over a rare small penis humiliation top in the wild, HOT, but whether or not you’re into it. Are you into power play? Do you like being degraded? Does the thought of this dude ordering you to show your dick to his friends — friends who presumably want to see your dick — turn you on in any way? If the answer is no, no and Fuck No, then tell your potential new boyfriend to stop making fun of your cock. If the answer is maybe, maybe and maybe under the right circumstances, then talk it over with him and work out when, where and how you’re willing to indulge his SPH kink.

If you stay with him, you’re also going to need to have a conversation about consent. SPH isn’t something you surprise someone with. Like most kinks, it requires advance discussion, the setting of limits, and the consent of both parties. It’s worrisome that this guy didn’t bother with obtaining your consent in advance, HOT, and if he doesn’t recognize that he made a mistake and swear not to make a similar mistake in the future, well, then you’ll have to DTMFA.

Q: I’m sorry to be graphic, but it can’t be avoided. I’d like to have my fiancé come on my pussy and then have someone else lick it off. My two questions: (1) Does that fall in the realm of safe sex for the extra person involved? (2) How do we find that person? Is there an app to meet a third or how do we find swinger parties in our area? Is that a degrading thing to ask someone to do?

—Personally Understands Serious Sexual Yearnings

A: (1) Nope. Various sexually transmitted infections — gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, herpes, HPV, etc. — could be contracted by the extra person and/or passed on to you and your fiancé. There’s low to no risk for HIV, PUSSY, but the act nevertheless falls outside the realm of safe sex. Very little actually exists in the realm of purely safe sex. There’s always risk, we can mitigate for those risks, we can make sex safer, but save for solo and cyber, sex is rarely ever 100 percent safe.

(2) This is technically three questions, PUSSY. You find that person by putting ads on hookup sites and/or by putting yourselves in places where you might meet that person, i.e., pick-up joints, sex parties, swingers clubs. There are lots of apps out there for couples seeking thirds, you can even advertise as a couple seeking a third on big dating sites like OkCupid. It is a degrading thing to ask someone to do — but since there are lots of people out there into erotic degradation, that’s a potential selling point.

Q: I am in a relationship with a lovely and amazing man. Everything could be really good, if only his father would stop being a creep. He’s constantly telling me how beautiful, smart and attractive I am. Last year around Christmas, I sang a few songs when we were visiting my boyfriend’s family, and his father commented that I have an “erotic” voice. A few days later, I received an e-mail from him. Attached was a poem about my singing, where he called my voice “angelic” and “pure.” It made me really uncomfortable and I told him that I don’t want to receive poems from him and that he should stop complimenting me all the time. He didn’t. When I told him again to stop commenting on my appearance, he responded that I must like myself very much. I talked to my boyfriend’s mother, and she said she’s “given up” and ignores her husband’s behavior. It turns out that he behaved similarly with ex-girlfriends of my boyfriend’s brothers. I’m so angry and don’t know what to do. My boyfriend supports me, but it’s hard to talk about the topic, because it’s his father.

—Fucking Annoyed That He Engrosses Rightfulness

A: I’m curious what your boyfriend’s “support” looks like, FATHER. Does he tell you privately that his father is a creep and that he wishes his dad would knock this shit off? Or does he tell his father directly that he’s being a creep and insist he knock it off? The latter is support, the former is not.

I’m thinking there’s a reason your boyfriend’s brothers only have ex-girlfriends — you don’t speak of any currents, FATHER, a highly revealing detail — and it’s not just because their dad is a creep. It’s because no one in the family is willing to stand up to this creep. Not his wife, not his children. If your boyfriend refuses to run interference and/or shut his father down, I would advise you to join the list of exes. However “lovely and amazing” your boyfriend might be when you two are alone, if he’s useless in the face of his father’s sexual harassment, you’ll have to DTMFA too. •