Plain Brown Rapper: Reflections on the Candidates

Jun 3, 2008 at 11:49 pm

America elects a president in six months. What matters is our final choice — a caramel-colored African-American, a 60-year-old white woman and a senior statesman. Here’s the real skinny:

Barack Obama

I like this half-white guy with the big ears and funny name. Predictably, every four years we are told “this a crossroads election.” That was true in 1968 when Bobby and The King were gunned down. And so it is today, 40 years hence. America’s future is on the line. What kind of country do we want to be? Can you get to The Revolution from the couch?

Issue: Experience. Attacking Obama’s lack of “experience” is absurd. Barack grew up in Hawaii and Malaysia and was schooled at a Madrasa. Who better to understand Islam? Also, all those years doing the Lord’s work in Chicago must count for something. Plus, the Illinois state legislature and two years in the U.S. Senate make an impressive resume.

Issue: Ravings of the Rev. Wright. I don’t give a damn about what Obama’s rantin’ reverend said in some sermon or that he knows a Weatherman or two. Hell, I know Mitch …

Issue: Elitism. Elitist? Were Obama an elitist, his slogan would be “Change in which we can believe” instead of “Change we can believe in.” What I wonder is, can this man do all he promises, can he deliver, or is he more a tilted head and words read on a teleprompter? I want to believe.

Issue: Liberalism. The Americans for a Democratic Society voted Obama the most liberal senator, to the left of Ted Kennedy and Stalin.

Issue: The flag pin. I must admit, I was saddened to see Obama at some West Virginia rally sporting an American flag pin in light of his earlier principled stand that a symbol does not reflect real patriotism and wearing an American flag was mere pandering. Was the Rev. Wright right? Is Obama “just another politician”?

Hillary Clinton

Let me say merely that Hillary, the Zombie Mutant from Hell, will continue her inexorable death rattle march toward dreamed-of coronation till a silver railroad spike is slammed through her heart, her body is burned and her ashes scattered on sacred ground by holy men.

Controlling Issue: Integrity. Kindly put, Hillary, like her husband, is truth-challenged. Remember her memory of her daring visit to Bosnia where she, daughter Chelsea in tow, braved sniper fire? However, video documented G.I. Hillary being greeted in broad daylight at the airport by a precious Bosnian child bearing flowers. There was no sniper fire. ’Nuff said.

John McCain

Oh, we Republicans could have done so much worse! Could you bear the thought of fascist Rudy Giuliani, sleepy Fred Thompson or a guy with a name like Huckabee bearing the banner of my Grand Old Party?

Issue: McCain is old. Listen here, nubies: John McCain’s mother is about 120 years old. The McCain genes are to die for. Repeated studies confirm that people age vastly different between the ages of 40 and 70. My Judo O-Sensei (major teacher) Phil Porter still fights in Judo tournaments at the tender age of 83. It is said the heart is the last organ to age. Plus, Sen. McCain likely will pick for Veep someone young enough to still enjoy the job should McCain shuffle off this mortal coil.

Issue: Iraq War III. Here’s the rub. McCain, like Mitch, has unwaveringly supported George Bush and this horrible war. However, as former Secretary of State Colin Powell observed, Iraq is like a pot in a pottery barn; you break it, you bought it. We’re there, for reasons good or ill. Now what comes next?

Perhaps McCain, the only veteran among the triune, is the grown-up with the military savvy to somehow, some way, save the day. Friends, McCain spent six years rotting and getting tortured daily by the North Vietnamese. As the son of an admiral and for propaganda purposes, McCain was offered a plane ticket home. He refused to leave unless the 400 other American P.O.W.s also were released. The Commie bastards responded by breaking his bones. The Arizona senator cannot comb his own hair, for Christ’s sake. Now that’s experience. Please know and accept this — wisdom comes with age and adversity. Trust me. As it took military hero Dwight Eisenhower to bring a ceasefire in the Korean War, perhaps it will take military hero John McCain to bring the troops home.

But anyway, I’m Carl Brown, Louisville’s Plain Brown Rapper, and that’s just my own damn opinion. If you don’t like it, sue me. Just vote early and vote often. 

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