Paul to the Smith&Wessonians

Jul 1, 2009 at 5:00 am

“When someone from within the church tells me that being a Christian and having firearms are contradictions, that they’re incompatible with the Gospel — baloney. As soon as you start saying that it’s not something that Christians do, well, guns are just the foil. The issue now is the Gospel. So in a sense, it does become a crusade. Now the Gospel is at stake.” —The Rev. Ken Pagano, New Bethel Church, New York Times; June 25, 2009

An excerpt from Paul's Epistle to the Smith&Wessonians, recently discovered in the Dead Aim Scrolls:

Paul's Letter to the Smith&Wessonians

1:1 Paul, called to be an apostle of the NRA through the will of Charlton Heston and our brother Clint Eastwood, 1:2 to the assembly of God which is at New Bethel; those who are sanctified in the Colt, called to the militia; with all who squeeze the trigger of our Lord AK-47 in every place, both theirs and ours: 1:3 Grace to you and good peacemaking from the Second Amendment.

1:4 It has been reported to me concerning you, my brothers, that there are contentions among you. 1:5 Now I mean this, that each one of you says, “I carry a .22,” “I carry a .32,” “I carry a .45,” and, “I carry a 12 gauge.” 1:6 Is a gun show divided? Does not a Mossberg shoot as straight as a Remington? Does not a Winchester Repeating Rifle repeat and repeat? 1:7 I thank Walmart that I sold shells to none of you except Brother Roeder and Brother Chapman, 1:8 so that no one should say that I ran a background check on you. 1:9 For Christ sent me not to run a federal instant background check, but to preach the Good News — that the sacred assault weapon of Christ should never be altered to be made semi-automatic.1:10 For the sound of the bullet is foolishness only to those who are dying, but to the shooter it is the voice of God. 1:11 For it is written, “I will pop a cap in the wisdom of the wise. I will bring the discernment of the discerning to nothing.”

1:12 Because the foolishness of the NRA is wiser than the wisdom of men. 1:13 For you see your calling, brothers, that if guns are outlawed only outlaws will have guns. 1:14 For God chose the foolish things of the world that he might put to shame those who are wise. But you are wise in the wisdom of the trigger, and in the blood of righteousness and redemption: 1:15 that, according as it is written, “He who messes with me, let him know that the Lord has blessed me with a concealed carry permit.” 1:16 And I will not be searched, for it is the spirit that searches all things.

1:17 If I speak a with loud voice, but I don’t have a gun, I have become as a girlyman, a weakling, a mere Democrat. 1:18 If I speak with the languages of men and of angels, but don’t have a gun, nobody will listen to me.1:19 If I have the gift of reason, and understand the stock market and how to change my oil, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but don’t have a gun, I am nothing. 1:20 If I live in a gated community, and have a riding lawn mower, and a swimming pool, but don’t have a gun, it profits me nothing.

1:21 Don’t you know that your shotgun is a temple of God, and that God’s spirit lives in your over-and-under? 1:22 If anyone tries to take away your permit, God will destroy him, for God’s commitment to the Second Amendment is holy. 1:23 Let no one deceive himself. If anyone thinks that it is wise not carry a handgun with you in this world, he is become a fool. 1:24 For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God. For it is written, “He has packed his heat in his craftiness. 1:25 And it is written that when Jesus dined last with Peter, he said unto him, “Before this derringer cocks three times, you will make my day.” 1:26 And then he said, “Hell, yes. Blessed is my Peacemaker.”