McDonald’s announced this week it will open another of its recognizable chain hamburger restaurants on East Market Street, this one in the arts and dining district known as NuLu. McDonald’s CEO Donald Thompson said the new restaurant will feature a burgers-and-fries-themed menu like other locations but will offer locally produced health risks to customers.
“The trend in dining, especially in discerning markets like Louisville, is to serve locally grown fare,” Thompson said. “Diners expect more, and they have a community-driven conscience as well. We are responding to that growing trend by offering our loyal customers Kentucky-produced food that you should never put into your body.”
For instance, a standard Big Mac sandwich contains two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles and onions, on a sesame seed bun. At the new location in NuLu, the basic ingredients are the same old substandard shit — only local.
“The heavily processed and unnaturally fatty meat you’ll be eating will consist of the by-products of cows fed locally engineered hormones and slaughtered inhumanely by an industrial farmer located in your own state,” Thompson explained. “The lettuce could potentially be grown on an industrial farm right here in Jefferson County, and may even contain Louisville-produced chemicals from the Rubbertown neighborhood as preservatives.”
NuLu regular Hudson Schew noted that he seeks out locally grown fare when dining in the city’s trendiest eateries. The 26-year-old food service industry professional welcomes this quirky addition to Louisville’s dining scene.
“I thought I might never have a Big Mac again due to my concern over what I put in my body,” Schew said. “But if I’m going to eat something on a bun, I at least want to know the ammonium chloride additive in it is formed in a local laboratory.”
Thompson noted that the time-tested 590 calories, 34 grams of fat and 75 milligrams of cholesterol per Big Mac sandwich won’t change, and all burgers and fries will be familiarly bloated with ungodly amounts of locally made salt.
“Yes, it will still contain 1,070 grams of sodium, but at least you know your heart disease, high blood pressure and diabetes are Kentucky proud,” he said. “And they can subsequently be treated by Louisville-based doctors, keeping it 100-percent local.”
Okolona man orders hamburger at Mike Linnig’s
Okolona resident Chuck Johnson went to Mike Linnig’s seafood restaurant last week on a family outing and shocked his server, as well as his entire party, by ordering a hamburger.
The restaurant, which opened in 1925, has traditionally been known by Louisvillians almost exclusively as a seafood restaurant, with a menu featuring fish sandwiches, fried clams, pan-fried oysters and the like.
“Is that even on our menu?” said visibly shaken Linnig’s server Wanda Ricketts following the bizarre ordering incident. “I don’t even know how to enter that order into our system.”
Manager Tannis Linnig, reached by phone, admitted she had forgotten the restaurant offered hamburgers. She was also surprised when a reporter informed her that barbecue pork is also on the menu.
“News to me,” she said. “I didn’t realize we had a smoker.”
Johnson told LEO he “just felt like having a burger that day, that’s all” and insisted, “Look, it’s on the menu — I don’t know what the big deal is.”
He later admitted that he probably “should have just gone for the froglegs.”
Local restaurateur unaware bacon is already trending
Aspiring restaurateur Ronnie James announced today that he plans to open a new restaurant in Crescent Hill that will have a bacon-themed menu.
Planning to call the restaurant When Pigs Fry, James said he hopes to be up and running by late spring, just in time to take advantage of Derby crowds.
In addition to a number of gourmet BLT-style sandwiches, When Pigs Fry will also offer pork-belly sandwiches, bacon tacos, bacon-wrapped pork chops, and bacon-wrapped bacon.
“I’m bringing bacon back,” he said. “I was in the restaurant business for several years before taking a few years off to work as a tax accountant, but I’m returning to my first love with a fresh new concept I think will be a hit. In fact, I won’t be surprised if this helps kick-start a bacon craze here in town.”
When told bacon actually began trending heavily two years ago, he said, “Well, not like this. You’ll see. I’ll be the first one on the scene.”
James said he may expand the restaurant next year and add a whiskey bar.
Twig and Leaf hires second server in wake of Lynn’s closing
After learning local breakfast behemoth Lynn’s Paradise Cafe had closed its doors, the iconic Twig and Leaf diner took the bold step of hiring a second waitress to handle “droves of new customers.”
For years now, a glance inside the windows of the Highlands eatery has revealed at most a handful of lonely-looking customers, even at peak dining times. As a result, Twig and Leaf has long relied on a sole waitress and one cook (who may or may not smoke a fat bowl before preparing your heaping bowl of watery grits).
“We’ve been expecting a mad rush ever since hearing about Lynn’s,” said longtime server Mary Lou Swanson, who recently spent an entire 20 minutes training the new waitress. Sadly, however, both waitresses can typically be seen sipping coffee at the counter or stepping outside for a smoke.
Last year, the owner took the same drastic measure of hiring a second server when Highlands residents voiced outrage over plans to bulldoze the diner to make way for a Walgreen’s. That server was fired shortly thereafter when business failed to increase, despite the buzz.
“Sure, I fought city hall over plans to tear this place down. I spent countless hours in this place as a teenager, smoking, drinking coffee, talking about life,” says Joe Middleton, 35. “But honestly, my outrage was based in nostalgia, not a fondness for overpriced eggs and hash-browns.”
*These stories are part of LEO's Fake Issue.