LEON: Merriam and Webster ‘literally’ can’t take it anymore

Jan 7, 2015 at 3:57 pm
LEON: Merriam and Webster ‘literally’ can’t take it anymore

Merriam and Webster have literally given up the fight to define “literally” as something that actually happened. After years of battling with Americans, desperate to find some way of helping them to understand the proper definition and usage, they have conceded — literally, nothing means “literally” anymore.

For years the two language leaders have adamantly defended the need for a single word that actually only means “actually.” Unfortunately, after decades of misuse, the couple literally can’t take it anymore.

Webster said, “Our heads figuratively exploded every time someone misused the word. I can’t even say it anymore. It is figuratively killing me.”

“Perhaps America just doesn’t want a word that strictly means something that actually happened,” Merriam said upon announcement of the decision. “It may be due to the fact that more and more Americans are detached from actual reality, and choose to live — or live vicariously — in fake reality, such as reality TV or the Internet.

Ironically, studies show that there is no correlation between people’s literacy rates and identification of what the definition of literally, actually is. However, when people use the word, they literally can’t help but fuck it up.

Jay Kirke, a linguistics professor at Sullivan University, says, “It is truly a fascinating communicative anomaly. People know what this word means, but literally can’t get it right.”

Ironically, experts fear the next word to go is “ironically,” which is constantly confused with coincidentally. Oh wait…