Leaders wanted

Jul 20, 2011 at 5:00 am

The United States of America (USA), a 235-year-old republic with a long track record of proven military and pop-culture innovation, seeks leaders in a variety of fields. Ideal candidates will be honest, brave, compassionate and self-motivated. Experience with PowerPoint is a plus.

The USA has an immediate need for leaders in the following areas:

Politics. Do you have what it takes to help steer the world’s largest economy, command the world’s mightiest military and placate millions of NASCAR fans? America desperately needs political leaders who can look beyond this afternoon’s poll numbers and the 24-hour news cycle to chart a positive, long-term course for the country. Ability to compromise is a must. Those who blithely proclaim options “off the table” or complain that their fellow leaders are “too polarized” need not apply. If you can actually lead instead of letting cable news pundits and fear-mongering bloggers dominate the national agenda, you’ve got what we’re looking for. Duties include an ability to understand science and articulate its impact on the world. The capacity to accurately interpret the Constitution, manage a budget and resist the impulse to tweet photos of your genitals is a must. A knack for ending wars is preferred.

Business. Can you get through a game of Solitaire without cheating? Then you may be poised to join the next generation of America’s business leaders. The USA frantically seeks corporate CEOs and small-business executives who are gutsy enough to take off their diapers, pull on their Underoos and actually hire some workers. Ability to refrain from raping consumers, producing poisonous products and destroying the economy is a must. Priority hiring will be given to those who are willing to earn less than 50,000 times the average worker’s pay.

Education. Quick: If 5x = 1 and y/2 = 3, should we teach all of our kids, even the poor ones? If you’re good at finding common-sense answers to questions like that, a future in education leadership might be right for you. Terrorism, energy addiction, global climate change and overcoming autocorrect are daunting challenges but teaching our kids seems, you know, solvable. If you believe the nation that came up with the Kindle should be able to teach its kids to read, we want to hear from you.

Media. Are you able to stand fully erect for 15 minutes at a time without collapsing into the fetal position? Then a bright career in media leadership could be in your future. America feverishly seeks media leaders who understand the Fourth Estate’s role in a democracy. Ability to produce investigative journalism without getting sidetracked by celebrity meltdowns and Sarah Palin’s flights of fancy is a plus. Significant bonus to the executive who can deliver in-depth news in 140 characters or less.

Rich people with a conscience. Are you filthy rich? Does your home have 17 bathrooms, each with 24-karat-gold toilets with diamond-encrusted platinum ballcocks and 55-inch iPad subscriptions to “Yachts ’n’ Things”? You already have everything else; why not grow a conscience and become a leader in the cutting-edge field of economic empathy? Sure, our political leaders always sell America down the river in order to get elected — that’s the American Way — and it sort of makes sense that you’d fight to have your taxes lowered. Greed’s just part of human nature, right? But seriously, how many champagne-and-caviar sponge baths and $10,000 prostitutes can you luxuriate in before the rest of the country’s poverty and unemployment and food-stamp-KFC-Snackers and Maggot-in-the-Crust-pizza suppers start seriously harshing your cocktail hour? If the idea of weaving some moral fiber into your cashmere lounge trousers intrigues you, why not phone up your co-conspirators and go, “Hey Mitch, Hey Rand, Hey Rupert, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yes, I give you big money to make me richer but Jesus Pete, I’m seeing all these soup kitchens when I tool around in my Bentley Mulsanne, and it’s making even me feel just the slightest bit karmic. Let’s back off this ‘taxed-enough-already’ sideshow long enough to get the Ph.D.s out of the janitorial jobs and get the janitors out of the homeless shelters and oh, shit, here comes China.”

Do you have what it takes to be a leader in a nation that FirstWorldsRated.com called “the 17th best place to live on Earth”? We offer competitive salaries and generous benefits. The United States of America is an Equal Opportunity Employer, especially if you are a straight, white, Christian male.