“Prepare yourself, you contemptible poltroon, for my imminent, bloody invasion into your heart or, if you don’t stand still, perhaps your left shoulder or your fundament. For as sure as you and your colleagues shall never again wear the vile fabrics of Europe, your death at this creekside today shall avenge my honorable lord’s character and destiny as Kentucky’s handsomest legislator…”
We interrupt this monologue, written from the viewpoint of the bullet in the gun of Henry Clay during his 1809 duel with fellow representative Humphrey Marshall (over Clay’s proposal that all legislators must wear only clothes made in America in retaliation for British hostilities on the high seas), in order to bring you this important new aging advice:
Research shows that it’s important to keep active and engaged, so people should not retire and lead sedentary lives, reports Time magazine. A sedentary lifestyle harms your lungs, skin, muscles, bones and that organ you think with as well as the organ you think with when your primary thinking organ is on vacation…
We interrupt this health alert to bring your attention to another important point from the same issue of Time. Numerous studies show that mindfulness meditation is a proven way to fight aging. Scientists credit it with increasing your disease-fighting white blood cells, lowering blood pressure, recalcifying bones, preserving brain cells, lowering inflammation and being able to read conflicting news about aging without going insane. So be sure to calm your mind while keeping it busy and you will live forever or at least until your liver gives out…
We interrupt this health advice to point out that the silly Henry Clay bullet speech above is supposed to remind you that, even though our polarized politicians today might be complete nutballs, at least they don’t fight duels to defend their honor as Southern gentlemen. Progress: Yay!
We interrupt this explanation to … Hey, look, a squirrel!
We interrupt this sighting of a woodland creature and/or rat-above-its-station to bring you an exciting new way to help quiet your mind and, quite possibly, stimulate it at the same time: Dreaming With Jeff (dreamingwithjeff.com). Jeff Bridges, The Dude himself, has recorded an album of guided meditations to help you quiet your mind and fall asleep. There is humming, there are chimes, there are stories, and chances are you will fall asleep and have a dream about Rooster Cogburn drunkenly murdering some outlaws, which will stimulate your sleeping mind, which, according to the latest research is the ticket to longevity. So, if you want to live to be 142…
We interrupt this sleep advice to point out that Henry Clay and Humphrey Marshall purposefully crossed the Ohio River near Shippingport to hold their duel at Silver Creek (in what seven years later would become Indiana) so as not to further stain the “Dark and Bloody Ground” of Kentucky…
We interrupt this important interruption for news from the automotive world. If you are going to live to be 142, you may someday drive an Apple Car, if the Wall Street Journal can be believed (which it often can’t). Apple is rumored to have hundreds of workers building a driverless e-car to compete with Tesla and Google and all the brick-and-mortar cars we drive now. Our future of cloud-based cars and brilliantly designed roads might actually come to pass if Apple gets in the game. Imagine tapping and swiping and Siri-ing down the road, while trying not to think about AutoCorrect at 70 mph…
We interrupt this automotive update with important news from Cambodia and Peru. Just when we Americans earn the world’s admiration for our guided meditations and our cloud-based automobiles and our buff seniors, some naughty American tourists are giving us a bad name by taking nude selfies at sacred spots like Angkor Wat and Machu Picchu. The naked-tourism trend, while offensive and despicable, is a delightful turnabout in which the rest of the world is finally several decades behind Kentucky, where nudity has been a hallmark of the Derby for a couple of generations. So, please, America, stop desecrating hallowed ground by posing nude abroad and bring those bare booties here to Louisville where they belong…
We interrupt this naked-tourism news with an important outcome from 1809: Humphrey Marshall and Henry Clay shot at each other three times, with Clay missing Marshall entirely and Marshall slightly wounding Clay in the thigh. The duel currently ranks 12,567th on the all-time list of stupidest stunts by members of a Kentucky General Assembly.
