Gay, in two acts

Dec 10, 2008 at 6:00 am

Act I: “Gay day is finally here”

Dec. 10, which could be today, is national “Day Without a Gay” day.

Day Without a Gay is intended as a nationwide protest; all queers and their straight allies are encouraged to participate in this daylong “economic boycott” to prove not only our worth, but our power, too. What this means: If you identify as either of the above-stated groups, you are to take the day off from work (close down shop, boss) and resist the holiday urge to support our national economy (don’t buy anything). This shouldn’t prove to be too difficult for me, since my urge to support our national economy is eclipsed by my current economic condition.

Therefore, I am an authority on what one can do all day without money or work. Here are a few of the various activities I have found to keep me busy (until everyone else gets off work): playing in the park (don’t forget to bundle), visiting the library, volunteering, making sock puppets. 

Queers are estimated to contribute at least $700 billion a year to the American economy — or, in other words, September’s version of The Bailout. We are rumored to be the population with the most disposable income, although I think this might be a bit dated, considering the recent “Billy has two daddies” baby boom. (Billy could also have two mommies who look like daddies.) Nevertheless, I do know more queers without babies than straights, but I know very few people with much disposable cash.

I encourage everyone to participate on Dec. 10; if you cannot take the day off, keep your money in your wallet.

Act II: “Some of the best things about being gay” or “The positive of the negative”

Because being gay or queer is not only considered a “lifestyle” by mainstream America, but an “alternative” one at that, we get to walk a weird line between being there and not (being there). Because of this, we get the shaft a lot of times, but like Poison said, Every rose has its thorn / every night has its dawn.

And so, now, I would like to discuss the lemonade of prejudice.

1. Your mother probably won’t ask to hear about the details of your date last night.

I always hear about (or see in a movie) straight women whose nosey mothers won’t stop butting into their relationships. I rarely hear about a mother giving her gay daughter (or son) her opinion on how to run the more intimate aspects. Not many sisters, or mothers, are going to ask for the juicy details of the previous evening.

Plus, since most straight people think straight relationships are diametrically different than gay ones, the chances of someone prying are slim. I’ve heard straight women say dating a woman would be easier than dating a man. This is actually simultaneously humorous and insulting. Women may process their emotions differently than men; this doesn’t mean they are either open or in touch with them. There are dirty dishes everywhere, waiting to be washed.

I think it would disappoint most people to find out that humans, regardless of sex, are far more similar than different.

2. When are you two going to get married/have kids?

… is a question fewer queers hear than straights. Thanks to all the bigots who voted to keep marriage between “man and wife,” the pressure is still off. True, more gays are adopting, having children through a sperm donor, etc. — but I’m pretty sure we dodge the bullet on that one (statistically speaking).

Plus, “divorce lawyer” and “alimony” aren’t a part of our vocab (unless you live in Massachusetts and, occasionally, California).

3. We are free from sin.

Or rather, we can’t live in sin. See, being gay (according to people who would use that terminology) is like a top-tier sin; it totally trumps an unmarried couple cohabitating.

4. Gays have better music.

This is, like, a fact. And I’m not only talking about techno or folk (although it could be argued that The Indigo Girls are the predecessors of alt-country). Take any dance club that’s not officially “gay” but has a mostly queer clientele, and in four months it’ll be crawling with straights.

5. Two words:

Gay Aunt.

And lastly, one of my personal faves: I don’t have to share a bathroom with a boy.

So, Merry Gay Day! Get out and be happy.