Furniture Against Firearms

Jan 28, 2014 at 9:00 pm

A gun-control organization is calling for the resignation of a state representative after her gun misfired in her Capitol Annex office. The Kentucky chapter of Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense in America issued a press release Wednesday calling for Rep. Leslie Combs to step down. … Rep. Jeff Greer, D-Brandenburg, was in the room when the gun discharged. ... Combs pointed the handgun away from her fellow lawmaker when she pulled the trigger, thinking the firearm was unloaded, he said, and the bullet ricocheted off the floor and pieces of the round struck a bookshelf. —The State Journal, Jan. 8

Meanwhile, another activist organization is calling for action …

Hello. Thank you for coming out today. I’d like to talk about an issue that’s very important to the people and, more important, the furniture of Kentucky. Many of you don’t know me. I am the bookshelf shot by Rep. Leslie Combs, D-Pikeville. The shooting, a so-called accident, left me a little splintered but able to lead a normal life. And I intend to dedicate the rest of my life to stopping the senseless slaughter of furniture by gunfire.

Today I am announcing a new organization, Furniture Against Firearms, which will fight to stop the attacks on not just our furniture, but also our appliances and drywall. As Rep. Leslie Combs, the Kentucky senator whose semiautomatic handgun shot me, said, “It happens.” Clearly, people aren’t to blame, firearms are.

Therefore our goal is to abolish all firearms from the vicinity of our furniture, appliance and drywall communities. Now, let me be clear: We have no problem with people shooting guns outside, far away from our vulnerable furniture, appliances and sheetrock. But indoors, where a stray bullet can destroy a refrigerator, chifforobe or crown molding in an instant, guns should be off-limits.

Now, we realize that in some parts of the country, such as Rep. Combs’ Pike County, it might be necessary to restrict guns to waaaaay outdoors, far from any home or business, in order to make sure no frontyard appliances or furniture are at risk. The devil is in the details, we realize. Still, we march on in pursuit of a society where our sisters and brothers in the furniture, appliance and carpentry communities can be safe from the devastating consequences of America’s tragic addition to dangerous weapons. (Well, we can’t march because we’re furniture, but you know what I mean.)

How did we get here? How did America get to a place where a respectable and decent bookshelf in a government office has to live in fear of being blasted into splinters by a renegade gun in the hands of a blameless state senator who was just innocently pulling the trigger on her loaded semiautomatic pistol? It didn’t happen overnight.

Many psychologists blame Hollywood. It’s hard to argue with them. Myriad examples are available, but look no further than the Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie film “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” for perhaps the most painful, sickening destruction of furniture, appliances and drywall in movie history. In that movie, the two stars completely destroy their home with automatic weapons! With two such beautiful and talented actors shooting up a house, how could there not be copycats?

But there are plenty of other celebrities who glamorize the dirty business of indoor shooting at the drop of a hat. Heck, Elvis once shot his TV just because Robert Goulet came on. So there is plenty of blame to go around.

Now, there will be detractors who will fight us on this issue. The NRA will say the only way to stop a bad Kentucky legislator with a gun is a good Kentucky legislator with a gun. And there are others who claim it’s just sour grapes. That we bookshelves are angry because we’re already facing our inevitable demise as Kindle and iPad run rampant, making books obsolete and forcing those of us who remain to hold up silly knickknacks and commemorative bourbon bottles celebrating basketball victories.

Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, those bourbon bottles are currently the best deterrence we have against gun-toting Kentucky legislators. (They always aim away from bourbon.) But that is something we plan to change. No bookshelf, microwave, lamp or wall should have to live in fear anymore. As a society, we might not care enough to protect people, but can’t we at least agree to protect our furniture? Thank you and God bless America.