Apr 1, 2015 at 4:30 pm

McConnell promises to be “less grinchy”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has pledged to be “less grinchy” for the remainder of President Obama’s presidency. The Senator made the pledge at a press briefing at the Capitol on Tuesday. The impromptu pledge came after a Senate Appropriations Committee meeting on Indolence Readiness, and was unusually frank for the normally reserved senate leader.

“I have to admit, I’ve been pretty grinchy throughout President Obama’s tenure,” he said. “You name it – foreign policy, the Affordable Care Act, the environment, the economy, jobs, energy … whatever he tried to do, I was a nasty, wasty skunk each and every time, not just to the president but also to the great people of this country and the great Commonwealth of Kentucky.”

The senator ticked off a laundry list of past actions that he said led many to think of him as a bad banana with a greasy black peel: “I lied about coal, I lied about healthcare, I lied about wars — hell, I lied about things I didn’t even know two shits about, like the climate,” he said. “And think about this: I signed off on a letter to the Leaders of the Islamic Republic of Iran totally dissing President Obama! Super grinchy! I guess the three words that would describe me are as follows, and I quote: ‘What a dick!’”

McConnell said routine health checkups in recent years showed that his heart was full of unwashed socks and his soul was full of gunk but a recent chest X-ray revealed that his heart had grown three sizes. “I just hope that now somebody will be willing to touch me with a thirty-nine and a half-foot pole,” he said.

When asked by a reporter if his now-larger heart means he will no longer block regulation on the environment, McConnell said, “This president has waged a war on coal for his entire … oops, ya almost tricked me into being grinchy! Yeah, coal is just a horrible, deadly, dirty fossil fuel, so we should totally stop mining that right away.” •

* * *

Glasscock honored with ?huge glass cock

Prominent Louisville attorney Ed Glasscock won the Honorable Society of Kingpins and Power Brokers’ Lifetime Achievement Award at a star-studded ceremony at the Frazier Historical Shooting and Stabbing Museum on Sunday.

Glasscock was honored for his decades of work on behalf of Louisville, including years of failure to expand gambling, helping to bully the city into building the Yum Center in a flood plain and helping convince Louisville to build two bridges instead of investing in public transportation. The award included a huge glass rooster and the opportunity to tell whimsical tall tales about economic development strategies in a homespun yet fast-paced style, uninterrupted for 90 minutes. The artisan-crafted cock was blown at Glassworks in downtown Louisville.

“I can’t imagine anybody I’d rather give this cock to,” said UofL president James Ramsey in making the award presentation. “For his decades as a lawyer and dealmaker in Louisville and his unwavering support and dedication to corporate America, nobody deserves this handsome, massive cock more than Ed.” •

* * *

Courier-Journal asks reporters to eat own toes

The executive editor of the Courier-Journal has asked each of its reporters to eat at least one of his or her own toes. The move comes less than two months after a February demand that reporters reapply for their own jobs. That exercise failed to produce enough humiliation to appease top brass at parent company Gannett.

In recent months the Courier-Journal has fired many of its top editors, reporters and copy editors. The paper also closed its Washington bureau and currently administers nuclear wedgies and swirlies to its sole remaining proofreader every day at noon, said executive editor Neil Budde. Budde also forced veteran reporter Sheldon Shafer to slap himself in the face while Budde repeatedly instructed, “Stop hitting yourself!” Meanwhile, the paper has stopped covering politics, education, social services, Metro government and all investigative reporting but has promised to provide “scorched-earth coverage of not only the craft beer scene but also the Cards and the Cats.”

The company had originally planned to ask reporters to eat bugs but decided toe-eating would better demonstrate which reporters really cared enough about journalism to make serious sacrifices. “I mean, if you’ll bite off and swallow your own toe, you’ve got what it takes to work at a Gannett company,” he said. •

* * *

Kathy Cary spotted wolfing down Sriracha Quesaritos in Taco Bell parking lot

Prominent chef Kathy Cary, founder and owner of Lilly’s Bistro and La Peche Catering, was captured on video wolfing down Sriracha Quesaritos inside a car parked outside the Taco Bell at 3520 Bardstown Road early Sunday morning. The video was posted on YouTube and quickly went viral on Twitter and Instagram with the hashtag #LocalNOTLocal. In the four-minute clip, Cary can be seen shoving Quesarito after Quesarito into her mouth, gleefully chewing and rolling her eyes in what appeared to be paroxysms of unadulterated bliss.

“Oh. My. God! Why are they so freakin’ good?” said Cary in a follow up interview on Tuesday. “The Sriracha Quesarito is a revolting pile of what Taco Bell calls “beef” wrapped inside a shell with some rice, some sort of synthetic, oil-based cheesefood and a mystery dressing based on the Sriracha brand hot chili sauce that started out as a cool Vietnamese condiment but quickly got ruined by the likes of Applebee’s,” she said. “It should totally blow but somehow it’s just delicious.”

It’s a curious late-night snack choice for Cary, an award-winning chef and vocal proponent of the local food movement who frequently uses “source” as a verb. She playfully owned up to the indulgence on her Twitter account, tweeting, “Live Más” and “Who’s up for White Castle?” and “Working on an organic, locally sourced Doritos Locos Tacos for Lilly’s” and “Shut the fuck up, Donnie, like you never eat Chick-fucking-Fil-A, you hypocritical bastard.” Cary later noted that final tweet was intended to be private. •

* * *

Papa John’s tests Apple-Watch-in-the-Crust pizza concept

Hoping to tap into the appeal of Apple’s new smart watch, Papa John’s is testing a new pizza concept: an Apple-Watch-in-the-Crust pie. The pricey new pie will include four Apple Watches baked right into the crust. The new concept will be tested in the chain’s Anchorage store and, if sales are strong, will be expanded to Indian Hills, Glenview, Aspen, Beverly Hills and New York’s Upper East Side. The company is also developing special recipes for the international market, including a maguro and Watch version for Tokyo, a tartiflette and Watch pie for Zurich and a hummus, camel and Watch pie for Abu Dhabi.

The pizzas will range in price from $3000 for a plain cheese and stainless steel Watch-in-the-Crust pie to $55,000 for a meat lover’s solid gold Watch-in-the-Crust pie. Home delivery will be free.

Stockholders generally applauded the new pizza concept, eagerly hoping to tap into the popularity of Apple’s products and the willingness of rich people to shell out big bucks for astonishingly wasteful consumer goods and exotic foods. Many analysts sounded a note of caution, however, pointing out that each Watch, when activated, could lead diners to an overwhelming amount of product information and nutrition data about Papa John’s food. That could, in-turn convince customers just how unhealthy Papa John’s food is, which could put a damper on repeat sales. •

* * *

Pedestrian safely crosses Hurstbourne Parkway

A pedestrian safely crossed South Hurstbourne Parkway near Interstate 64 on Tuesday, navigating all six lanes of traffic, two emergency lanes and a traffic island before reaching a two-foot-wide expanse of lawn and collapsing in jubilation. Pat Wilkerson, 38, of Minneapolis, was attempting to walk from the Drury Inn on Blairwood Road to Joe’s OK Bayou in The Plainview Village Center for dinner. “It was Lent and Google said it was less than a half a mile, so I figured I’d walk over for some crawfish étouffée. That’s cool for Lent, right? Anyway, big mistake. So I guess Catholicism almost got me killed,” he said.

Visibly shaken, Wilkerson shuddered when he recounted the traumatic event. “It was like motorists were gunning for me,” he said. “I felt like I was in a video game. Some of them were laughing and taunting me. One asshole in an F-150 followed me up on the curb. Is there some kind of hunting season here I don’t know about?” Wilkerson admitted it was a pretty sweet feeling when he made it safely across. “I ran track back in the ‘90s,” he added.

After making it in one piece to Joe’s OK Bayou, he had “several” Shock Tops to soothe his shattered nerves, followed by a hearty bowl of étouffée and another Shock Top. He then opted for an Uber ride back to the Drury Inn. “It took a half hour to drive that half mile, but at least I’m alive,” he said. “I mean, Jesus fucking Christ, ya know?” •

* * *

Lil’ Poopers truck fleet to support local food truck industry

A new fleet of toilet trucks will soon be roaming the streets of Louisville to serve customers of the city’s wildly popular food trucks. The service is called Lil’ Poopers, and its trucks will begin rolling out in May. Like the food trucks they serve, the toilet trucks will be fanciful, pretentious and wildly overpriced, with one minute of toilet time costing about $9.

Lil’ Poopers is the brainchild of Duke “Brownie” Browne, who owns Potty Hotty, one of Louisville’s largest portable toilet companies. “We’ve all been there,” he said. “You’re eating at a food truck and you have a slight moment of panic, maybe even a tiny shart, wondering where you would go if you had to go. Lil’ Poopers is the solution. Soon, wherever there’s a food truck, there will also be a hip, totally self-actualized rolling toilet with a dope, hilarious vibe.”

Browne also hopes Lil’ Poopers will attract customers who otherwise wouldn’t patronize a food truck or a portable toilet. One promising opportunity is the dive bar scene in Louisville, where the bathrooms are little more than breeding grounds for dysentery and hepatitis but nevertheless homes to skeezy hookups. “Our trucks are clean, private and discreet,” said Browne. “And, while the cost can add up at $9 a minute, at least you don’t have to worry about a roach crawling across your butthole while you’re trying to have toilet sex.” Follow the launch at @LilPoopers on Twitter and Instagram. •

* * *

Owsley Brown Frazier and Owsley Brown II to fight duel in afterlife

Owsley Brown Frazier and Owsley Brown II are slated to fight a duel in the afterlife on Saturday at high noon, according to Brown family sources. The men were cousins and descendants of George Garvin Brown, who started what would become the Brown-Forman liquor empire in 1870. The winner will earn the right to be called “Owsley” in perpetuity. The loser will henceforth be known as Buster. Both men will remain dead.

Owsley Brown II, who died in 2011 at age 69, was eight years younger than Owsley Brown Frazier, who died in 2012 at age 77. But in accordance with Brown family tradition, both men are perpetually 24 years old in the afterlife. That’s because that’s the age George Garvin Brown was when he thought up the idea to put rotgut hooch in bottles and sell it as medicine, which led to Early Times, Jack Daniel’s, Woodford Reserve and a nonstop 140-year rainstorm of sweet cash money.

According to the family, a dispute between the two dead men arose over the television program Better Call Saul. “One of the Owsleys – don’t ask me which one – insisted that the electromagnetic hypersensitivity as portrayed by Michael McKean’s character is a real thing. The other Owsley insisted it wasn’t and things just escalated from there,” said Lee Brown, another dead Brown family scion. “To be honest I’m so sick of hearing them fight I hope they both shoot straight.”

The stakes are high for Owsley Brown, Lee Brown noted. “If he loses he’ll have to go by Buster Brown. But I like his chances. The other Owsley’s a bigger target.” •

* * *

Insider Louisville to start blog on office gossip

In an attempt to further develop media criticism in Louisville, Insider Louisville (IL) will begin a blog to self-report on their own employees.

“People need complete transparency in their media, total accountability. That’s why we have a section of our website devoted to media, and that’s why we are starting this blog about ourselves,” said IL PR guy.

The blog quickly generated over 100 posts, with titles like “Brenda is a bitch and she stole my stapler,” “Kyle met with another company to discuss a new job,” and “15 reasons why Stephanie shouldn’t wear the color green.”

So far the blog has only generated views from inside the company itself and seems to only serve as a place for employees to vent their grievances. “We call it ‘the newsroom of the future’ because people need to know that when Dan tried to say at the metrics meeting that his stories had more views than mine, that he is a fucking egomaniac and that is so not true,” said Terry “tattletale” Stevens.

When we asked one IL writer what she thought about the new addition to the site, she said, “Well, I used to vent my work grievances on my own personal blog all the time, but it didn’t feel as powerful. This blog really gives my work the umph, the bite, it was missing before.” •

* * *

Sacred Heart student enjoys congenial lunch with girl from another clique

A Sacred Heart junior, Nichole Mulcahey, recently enjoyed a pleasant lunch with a girl from another clique, according to comments posted on her Instagram account on Tuesday. The declaration has so far drawn over 583 likes and 194 comments, including 81 expressing cautious support.

Nichole had a lunch of Chobani yogurt with fellow Valkyrie junior Hayley Riggs, who normally sits at another table in the Sacred Heart lunchroom. The students discussed capitalism, the conflict in the Middle East and Peeta vs Gale. It has also been rumored that the students made regular eye contact throughout the meal, though this has not been confirmed by either party. “‘Livin’ the American dream,” wrote Nichole in the comments of her Instagram account, beneath a selfie that included her Chobani and a smiling Hayley, who posted “[winky emoji] on fleek!”

The cross-clique lunch drew many comments of disapproval on social media but also an outpouring of support. “If teenage girls with nearly identical socioeconomic, cultural and spiritual backgrounds can break bread together, anybody can,” commented @hatebucket666. “There is hope for humanity yet.” •

* * *

Fischer experiments with marijuana, sheds monotone

On a recent business development trip to Denver, Louisville mayor Greg Fischer smoked medical marijuana to relieve a nagging neck injury. “I slept on it wrong or something,” said the mayor, exhibiting an unusual amount of inflection in his voice. “Anyhoo, this incredibly maddening pain in my neck would not go away. So I figured, what the hell, maybe this weed thing is the real deal. And you know what, man? It is. It reallllllly is!”

Fischer said he visited a dispensary called Dank, where he purchased a quarter ounce of Alaskan Thunder Fuck, which he described as a “trippy sativa.” The marijuana gave him “a euphoric, thought-provoking high,” he said, but it didn’t really help with his neck pain, so he tried a different strain. That strain, an indica called Platinum Kush, gave the mayor a full-body high that totally knocked out his neck pain but left him clear-headed and completely lucid. “That shit is the shit!” he said. “I thought about putting my hand on the wall and hitting it with a hammer to see how well it actually kills pain, but a Star Trek marathon came on TV and so I grabbed some Doritos and watched that for, like, sixteen hours.”

The newfound ability to modulate his voice seems to be permanent, he said. “Like, this is the new me, man. I might have to go out to Denver once in awhile for a booster buzz, but I’m hoping I can bring back enough edibles to keep the pain and the monotone at bay,” he said, laughing for a full 75 seconds. “Do not tell the cops, man!” he added. •

* * *

Hal Heiner picks 1832 as perfect year to take Kentucky back to

After extensive polling, visits to every county in Kentucky, and “heartfelt prayer,” Republican gubernatorial contender Hal Heiner has settled on 1832 as “the perfect year to take Kentucky back to.” He made the announcement at a campaign stop in Cracker Hole on Tuesday.

As political observers have long noted, it’s the first question Kentucky Republican candidates must ask themselves: Just how far back do I want to take the Commonwealth? Not far enough and you risk losing Appalachia. Too far back and you risk losing St. Matthews, Anchorage and parts of Oldham County. It’s always a tricky balancing act. “My team and I decided 1832 was the perfect year,” said Heiner. “Antebellum Kentucky had such gracious living and the plantations were ingeniously run.”

Despite Heiner’s professed love for 1832, many analysts believe he might have painted himself into a corner by waiting so long to announce his choice. In February, rival candidate Matt Bevin announced 1828 as his choice and in March, agriculture commissioner James Comer chose 1836. “Heiner had few options left if he wanted the centrist label,” said local television columnist John David Dyche. “I was rooting for 1787 because that’s the year Alexander Hamilton published The Federalist Papers and also the year Captain Bligh set sail in the Bounty. I’m reading a 1500-page book about it and I can’t wait to find out how it comes out. It was a gosh-darn, bang-up year! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go unclench my sphincter,” he said. •

* * *

Louisville business leaders announce ambitious plan to ‘f**k the little guy’

Over fifty Louisville business leaders have come together to create an ambitious plan to “fuck the little guy,” according to the group’s spokesman. The plan is designed to lower pay, cut benefits, lengthen the work week, reduce access to healthcare, lower retirement savings, discourage higher education and restrict lunch breaks to 12 minutes or less. The group also plans to dig more potholes in the city’s main thoroughfares.

The business leaders hope to wring more money out of workers, while also making their day-to-day lives as unpleasant as possible. “You know how CEO’s get paid 3,000 times what the average worker earns? We want to at least double that,” said Randy Avarice, the group’s director of communication and CEO of Avarice Tool and Die.

“We’ve made great progress in the past couple of decades,” said Avarice. “Tax cuts for the wealthy, deregulation of the banking industry and congressional gridlock have been huge wins for us. Income inequality is higher than ever. There are thousands of full-time workers here in Louisville who don’t earn a living wage and that makes us proud. But we don’t feel it’s enough. We want workers to not only go hungry at night, we want them to have trouble sleeping because we are piping Pitbull and Blake Shelton into loudspeakers in the streets all night long. It’s not going to be easy but we want to fuck the little guy in any way we can,” he said. The business leaders also plan to trim their pubes and place them in break room coffee cups citywide, Avarice noted. •

* * *

Prospect man accidentally gets off Watterson in South End

Lockwood Carrickfergus “Woody” Kensington IV, 31, of Prospect, accidentally exited the Watterson Expressway at Southern Parkway on Tuesday. “I was bumpin’ Kanye in my Land Rover and completely missed the airport exit,” he explained. “I was on my way to Aruba to play baccarat at the Four Seasons, but I dashed right past the exit, drat it all.”

“At first I panicked a bit and considered driving the full length of the Watterson back to Prospect rather than take a risk getting off in the South End. I’ve heard it makes a full loop around the city. But then I said to myself, ‘Now, Woody, you can do this,’ so I took a chance on the Southern Parkway exit. It was quite the exotic adventure,” he said.

After driving south on Third Street through “a charming Asian community, as well as some salt-of-the-earth American working folk” Kensington successfully navigated his way back to the Watterson eastbound and on to the airport, where he flew successfully to Aruba and won $160,000 at the baccarat table. “It was fascinating to see another part of Louisville,” he said. “Makes me wonder what other exits there are, beyond Southern Parkway. I daresay I might venture to find out some day.” •

* * *

LASIK eye surgery enables Rand Paul to see the poor

A minor laser eye procedure has enabled Sen. Rand Paul to see the poor. The procedure, known as LASIK, is commonly used to correct myopia, or near-sightedness. The senator’s newfound ability to see the poor is the first known instance of LASIK-corrected figurative myopia. After undergoing the procedure last Friday, the senator was able to see the poor as early as Sunday morning. “It’s ironic, I know, because I’m an ophthalmologist,” he said, with a chuckle. “I should’ve had this done ages ago. Hey, look! Another poor person,” he said, pointing. “They’re everywhere! I had no idea. I mean, I’ve heard of them but I thought they were a big left-wing conspiracy or some kind of urban legend. Who knew they were real?”

Paul said it’s too soon to tell whether the surgery will affect his views on policy. As a staunch Tea Party Republican, he has called for overturning Obamacare, reducing spending on social services, tax cuts for the wealthy, restrictions on the EPA and he’s even publicly expressed skepticism about the Civil Rights Act, all positions that might change now that he can see the poor. “I can see that I will have to reevaluate some of my positions but it’s important not to be too hasty because I have a lot of donors to think of,” he said. “Aw, look, that poor man and his daughter are eating out of the dumpster – that’s so sad. This LASIK is almost too good,” he added. •

* * *

Jennifer Lawrence absorbs Ashley Judd in Highlander style battle to the death

J-Law, declaring that there can be only one popular actress from Kentucky, struck down Ashley Judd this weekend at the Yum! Center.

The fight was a result of a heated Twitter feud between the two local celebrities. Which began when AJ insulted the “Hunger Games” star by describing “Divergent” as the “best generic post-apocalyptic teen movie ever! #HungerLames.” To which J-Law replied with a barrage of gun, sword and bomb emojis.

Sources close to both camps said the two arrived at the Yum! Center around midnight under a full moon, with J-Law in full UofL warpaint and sporting a Versace inspired Katana, and AJ donning her UK war paint with a Dolce and Gabbana broadsword. The fight lasted throughout the night, but J-Law was eventually able to decapitate AJ and absorbed her powers. Sources close to J-Law now expect her to marry a Nascar driver and pursue a political career. •

* * *

Newly discovered fossil at Falls of the Ohio found to be gory detritus

Archeologists at the Falls of the Ohio were disappointed to learn Tuesday that a newly discovered fossil was in fact “a cluster of KFC bones, cement and what appear to be human remains.”

The team of archeologists who found the faux fossil had previously stated that it was proof that “there is more to the Ohio River than dirty water and trash.” They have since retracted their statement. •

* * *

Bill Samuels gets own emoji

Bill Samuels’ granddaughter is following in her family’s feminist tradition of contributing to the branding and marketing of Kentucky’s iconic Marker’s Mark bourbon. “Coolest Grandpops EV-uh #FamilyTradition,” tweeted young Samuels when she unveiled her grandfather’s signature wax-dipped emoji, which she designed at a STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering and Math) camp for girls. “Everyone is always going on about how my great grandmother had the brilliant idea of wax-dipping the bottles,” she said. “Not everyone knows that she also came up with the name and designed the bottle. Wha-a-a-t? Go Granny! Now it’s time for G4 Samuels ladies to represent!” •

* * *

Courier-Journal, inspired by Chinese factories, building large safety nets to lower number of employee suicides

After 34 suicides in one month, a new record for the Courier-Journal, the company has announced new safety measures to improve employee safety and more importantly, productivity.

“We here at the C-J feel that productivity is key to surviving in this new age of journalism,” said John Smith, the Courier’s Communications Tzar. “And that a living employee is much more productive than a dead one.”

In addition to the nets, the C-J will also be using all of the empty space from lay-offs and suicides to build a new “Google inspired” play room.

“We have heard the splats and complaints from our employees, and while we cannot afford to let them leave the building, ever, we have decided to show them our gratitude with a new game room,” said the Tzar.

Board games like Hungry, Hungry, Hippos and others will now be available, and some of the Courier’s best articles from 1852 will be framed on the multi-colored walls to inspire employees to work harder.

When asked about the new additions to the building, one Courier-Journal employee responded “Please, kill me.” •

* * *

Southern Indiana Extreme Sports Enthusiasts to Build Totally Wicked Ramp To Louisville

In a bid to escape the crushing ennui of Southern Indiana, area extreme sports enthusiasts have begun construction on what many consider to be a “totally wicked ramp” to the Butchertown area. Local rollerblade master Kevin Falcon has high hopes for the ramp, specifically for the tricks he hopes to pull using it. He explains, “Dude, like this ramp is going to be way righteous, Bro. Like seriously I am going to gleam the shit out of the cube, and like totally Ollie over the Belle of Louisville, you know.” The ramp is being built in downtown Jeffersonsville and is meant to serve as one of the most radical means of escaping Indiana since the Gary, Indiana, super catapult of 1987. Falcon explains his plans to “blow all the posers away at the Skate Park in Butchertown” and to “seriously nose grind his way into the hearts of those around him.” •

* * *

South Louisville To Re-brand as Sulu

The neighborhood formerly known as South Louisville has voted to rebrand as Sulu recently, in a heated race at the polls. The area located immediately southwest of the Belknap campus at University of Louisville struggled with this decision. Some supporters opting for the name Solo, and some for Sulu. According to city councilman Steve Magre, the real issue is the often-violent disputes between area residents over Star Trek or Star Wars. Citing the Star Trek vs. Star Wars hose fight of 2009, Magre explained, “The South Louisville neighborhood needs to either succumb to the motley vision of George Lucas, or the optimistic outlook of Gene Roddenberry. We must unite on this searing issue.”

For many, naming the area after space playboy Han Solo was a no brainer. According to neighborhood man Chorb Dorsen, “How could I not be into Han Solo? He flies a space ship that looks like a hamburger and has a dog butler. Once we settle this, the name of our neighborhood is frozen in carbonite for all time.”

But the neighborhood Star Trek contingent proved too strong. Local historian Flex Baxter explains, “This area was founded on the principles of Hikaru Sulu. To seek out and explore new life, usually found in the hallowed halls of Churchill Downs or at one of our fine bars, and to boldly go where no one has gone before. And to attack people with a fencing sword when you get space -drunk, which is just the kind of thing that happens here.”

In a letter to his constituents, councilman Magre writes, “To my fellow Han Solo supporters take heart: This December, Solo will ride again in Episode 7. Take solace in the unmitigated joy of watching the General Solo be the star rascal we all know him to be.” •

* * *

Time Warner Cable Tearfully Looks Out Back Window While Driving Away From Town

Time Warner Cable (TWC) solemnly held a hand up to the window of Mom and Dad’s minivan Friday during afternoon rush hour while driving down I-65 away from the city. Reports indicate the media outlet is sad that it will no longer have any authority over who may or may not watch “Game of Thrones” or any similar programming in Louisville, which was its favorite thing to do. TWC explains, “I just want to be able to provide the most annoying customer service available: to make customers sit through a robot voice before talking to a human and to ensure that when those human service reps do speak to customers, that they never agree to reduce the monthly fee until a customer reaches the breaking point and threatens to drop the service all together. I’ll miss our little dances, Louisville.” When pressed on the issue, Time Warner Cable refered to all other cable outlets as dilletantes who don’t know how to mistreat customers as well as TWC does. •

* * *

Republicans to vote for bills by shooting guns in the air

Republicans recently passed a bill that will allow them to vote by shooting a gun in the air, also known as a “desk pop.” Rand Paul, a supporter of the bill, said he wanted to register his opposition to everything the government does with more intensity, adding, “The most American thing you can do is fire a gun in the air.”

An earlier version of the bill asked for a picture of President Obama with devil horns and a Hitler mustache to be put on the ceiling as a target, but the amendment was removed because they didnt want to “ugly the ceiling with his president’s ugly face.” The bill was passed almost unanimously by the Republicans, except for one Republican senator who apparently does not own a gun, and compared the celebratory firing of weapons in the air to ISIS. The senator was quickly labelled a “gay, liberal communist” by his colleagues. •

* * *

Mayor Fischer announces no tolls on new bridges

It now appears that when the Ohio River Bridges Project is completed in early 2016, drivers will feel a little squeeze in their pocket books.

They’ll be paying for passage across the Ohio. However, a statement from the mayor’s office clarifies that there will be no tolls on the bridges. Rather the $1.25 interstate drivers can expect to pay when crossing the bridges will be considered a fine on northbound drivers for entering Southern Indiana and an admission fee imposed on southbound drivers seeking refuge in Louisville. This is only one of many recent attempts on behalf of City Hall to keep the reckless and dangerous drivers that fill the streets of Southern Indiana on their side of the river. As of press time, the only complaints Mayor Fischer’s office has received have come from Indiana residents. •

* * *

UofL to cut all academics, focusing solely on sports

The University of Louisville announced that they will be cutting all academic programing and devoting themselves completely to athletics.

“We just really felt that all these whiny adjuncts, and kids who want to major in anthropology were creating a hostile environment for our athletes,” said athletic director Tom Jurich. “So we decided to cut all the bullshit and devote ourselves to what really matters, sports.”

This move comes on the heels of Jurich’s coup d’etat, wherein he seized total control of the University.

Other local sports powerhouses such as Ohio State and the University of Kentucky applauded the move as “bold” and “innovative” and plan to follow suit in the coming months. •

* * *

Coach Calipari guarantees a player a four-season spot with the wildcats

In an unprecedented move, University of Kentucky (UK) head coach John Calipari has confirmed a four-year commitment from McDonald’s All-American basketball player Mark Parris. Parris was born and raised in Ocala, Florida, but earned a full scholarship to the prestigious St. Alexander IV Academy in Stars Hollow, Connecticut. The high school junior at 6’10’ and 235 lbs., is one of the top-ranking high school centers in the country, carrying a 3.9 GPA and plans to play for Kentucky and Calipari starting in the fall of 2016.

The Parris deal marks a change in Calipari’s usual game plan, forcing the coach to thwart his own “one-and-done” philosophy in order to bring the McDonald’s All-American to the Wildcats. Parris, who does have aspirations to play in the NBA one day, presently has no intention of leaving school before graduating with a business degree in the spring of 2020.

After some convincing from his coaching staff, inside recruiters and influential Wildcat donors, Calipari begrudgingly committed to start Parris all four years that he attends UK, health permitting. This acquisition to their roster required Coach Calipari and his staff to readjust their game strategy going forward, including revisiting commitments made previously to several “one-and-done” recruits they had already signed through the 2020 season. •

* * *

Rand Paul now vaccinated for more than 300+ diseases, 64 of which are theoretical

In an attempt to win votes from rational people who understand basic science, Rand Paul posted a picture collage on Instagram this weekend. The collage formed the shape of a giant hyper dermic needle, which was made with what appears to be a collection of photos showing Paul receiving vaccinations.

The potential presidential nominee is now vaccinated for 300+ diseases, including some that appear to be purely hypothetical in nature.

A trained ophthalmologist, Paul claims to have discovered several theoretical diseases plaguing our country. These include “wanting-to-help-others disease,” “being-a-sissy-who-doesn’t-want-to-overthrow-the-government disease,” and the dreaded “Illuminati virus,” all of which Paul claims to have been vaccinated for. •

* * *

Butchertown to Vent Fumes to Indiana

Officials at the Swift Company in the Butchertown neighborhood have elected to vent their fumes to Indiana, where they can express their private corporation’s religious views freely. The decision came after the recently-signed legislation guaranteeing private companies the basic human right of freedom of religion … as well as years of locals complaining of the rancid odor that routinely emanates from the plant, which according to area skaters at the Extreme Park totally “harshes their mellow.”

Local extreme skater Barth Grooks says, “Dude, like, our park is probably the most radical thing in the world, but it’s almost impossible to land a solid ollie when the air you’re breathing smells like every fart in human history, filtered through a milk-soaked sock stuffed in a radiator. Just send it to Indiana: they won’t even notice the difference.”

Burt Selleck, a spokesman for Swift Company, explains their plans, “For years our plant has felt the unwieldy chains of the government prohibiting its right to express its religion freely. We appreciate the direction Indiana is going, and want to participate in the practice of private corporations exercising their God-given, human rights.” The Swift plant, known to be very active in his community and Catholic church wants to, “Billow Pope-like white smoke without fear of repression from the tyranny of the United States government.”

Area free-range chicken farmer Slam Peterson voiced concerns over the effect the smell has on his animals. Peterson explains, “In order to get the most choice organic eggs, my chickens need to have a fragrant, decidedly non-Hoosier smelling environment. You can practically taste the Monsanto fumes in my quiche as it is, which is not cool.”