Fake Issue 2013

Mar 27, 2013 at 5:00 am
Fake Issue 2013

Former Lynn’s employees form support group, smash ugly lamps

In the aftermath of the much-publicized closure of Louisville brunch behemoth Lynn’s Paradise Cafe, an alarming number of former employees are suffering from a new strain of post-traumatic stress disorder.

Dubbed Post-Lynn’s Stress Disorder, or PLSD, by University of Louisville Hospital psychiatrists, some 40-plus former servers, cooks and busboys have exhibited symptoms of this new and highly specific form of cognitive impairment, which includes paranoid delusions in the presence of breakfast food and a phobia of kitsch.

Dr. Natalie Skinner, a University Hospital psychiatrist, says the disorder has prevented patients from moving on with their lives.

“We’ve observed a range of troubling behaviors,” Skinner says. “These people believe they are being watched by (owner Lynn Winter) on closed-circuit cameras whenever the orderlies bring them oatmeal and scrambled eggs. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Skinner has devised a controversial therapy suite to treat PLSD, which requires sufferers to smash ugly lamps and, under supervision, serve plastic brunch items to hospital staff.

“At first, all I could hear was (Winter’s voice) coming from that biscuit,” says Michael, a patient who declined to provide his full name. “It kept saying ‘Kill them, Michael. Kill them all. Then bus table 12.’ It’s been a nightmare.”

In wake of gun violence, Frazier Museum to focus on stabbing

In response to last year’s gun massacres, Louisville’s Frazier History Museum will focus more on stabbing in the future, according to museum spokeswoman Wanda Pierce. The museum, which shortened its name from The Frazier Historical Shootin’ and Stabbin’ Museum in 2006, houses one of the world’s most potent collections of handguns, pistols, rifles, knives, swords, arrows, shivs, rapiers, knuckle dusters and other weapons that glorify the storied history of opening holes in people and letting their blood escape.

“In the wake of Sandy Hook, it seems in poor taste to celebrate guns so ostentatiously, at least until things cool off,” Pierce said. “But there are so many other interesting ways to inflict fatal bodily harm. So we thought, in honor of the victims and their families, it just made more sense to focus on the stabbing.”

In other Frazier news, the museum announced a deal to acquire its first drone, which will be formally unveiled at a ceremony in September.

Hal Heiner ‘totally stoked’ to not be mayor

Nearly three years after he unsuccessfully ran for mayor of Louisville, former Republican Metro Councilman Hal Heiner tells LEO he’s enjoying his time not being blamed for everything wrong with the city and pretending he can fix it.

“What a bummer that would’ve been,” says Heiner, taking a long pull from a flask of bourbon on the deck of his home near Floyd’s Fork. “Instead of, like, relaxing on the farm, playing with my kids and getting my drink on, I’d have to waste my time trying to clean up Jerry Abramson’s mess and plotting my eventual run for Congress.” Heiner then made the shape of an L with his thumb and forefinger, placed it to his forehead and mouthed the word “lame.”

Since losing to Democrat Greg Fischer by just a few thousand votes in the 2010 election, Heiner has retreated from the public eye. According to his wife, Sheila, Heiner now spends most of his considerable spare time working on a “bitchin’ sweet” 1968 Chevrolet Camaro and waging war against gangs of coyotes that venture too close to their property.

“It was either this or running a mid-size metropolitan municipal government,” she says. “I’ve never seen him happier.”

NORAD tracks literal ‘silver tsunami’ of elderly

The North American Aerospace Defense Command is tracking a contiguous, wrinkled 3-square-mile mass of elderly Americans that is slowly making its way for the Louisville area, according to government officials.

A literal manifestation of the so-called “silver tsunami” of elder-care patients that Mayor Greg Fischer has sought to capitalize upon will “consume everything in its Bengay-slathered, Werther’s-scented wake,” Brigadier General William Ipkiss tells LEO. “At this point, we’re advising everyone to stay indoors and dispose of any hard candy or Golden Corral gift cards you might have lying around the house as soon as possible.”

In conjunction with regiments from the National Guard and dozens of local volunteers, countermeasures are under way, including the deployment of specialized sonic disruptors emitting remixed Skrillex songs and the outfitting of all personal computers in the area with web browsers other than Internet Explorer.

The silver mass, which military experts believe coalesced as a result of extreme reactions to black market Cialis, has carved a path of destruction across the Midwest, assimilating all biological matter in its wake.

“When I decided that Louisville should meet the demands of an aging statewide population in a shrewd attempt to make money off of human mortality, I never thought there could be consequences,” Fischer said. “May god help us all.”

Prospect preschooler pans Louisville Tea Party

The Louisville Tea Party is “no fun at all,” according to 4-year-old Ella Pennington of Prospect. Pennington, who attended a Louisville Tea Party gathering along with her teddy bear Mr. Giggleface and her doll Amy Sue, expressed her abject disappointment to reporters after the meeting.

“I don’t know why they called that a tea party,” she said with a frowny face. “They were all old men and they were very grumpy. And they didn’t even have tea cups or saucers or anything!”

Pennington, who wore her favorite dress and shoes to the meeting, also found the attendees’ fashions lacking. “They were wearing T-shirts and baseball caps with flags and snakes on them,” she said with obvious disgust. “Oh, and for the record, we have 60 years of solid evidence that taxing the rich doesn’t hurt job growth. Mr. Giggleface and Amy Sue think that whole ‘tea party’ is just a front for wackadoo conspiracy theories and thinly veiled racism, and I’m inclined to agree with them.”

U of L research proves Jennifer Lawrence still getting hotter

Researchers at the University of Louisville have determined movie star Jennifer Lawrence is still getting hotter. The study was conducted by the university’s Alpha Tau Omega fraternity during a recent marathon screening that included wings, brewskis and Cuervo.

“She was smokin’ hot in ‘Winter’s Bone,’” said lead researcher Randy Ardent. “And then she came to the Oscars that year showing sideboob, and we were all like, ‘Whoa, no way can she get any hotter than that! Her hotness has peaked, brah.’ But then we kept watching and wham! Katniss! There is nothing hotter than a woman who can kill you with a bow and arrow. But then she comes back yet again as Tiffany in ‘Silver Linings Playbook.’ Day-um. There’s just something about crazy chicks, man.”

Assistant researcher Bo Backus challenged the study’s results. “She froze me out in chemistry class and that’s a major turnoff, so no, I don’t think she’s getting hotter. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d still tap that … Oh, my bad. Are we talking about a different Jennifer Lawrence? The movie star? Oh, yeah, she’s definitely still getting hotter.” The study has a 3 percent margin of error.

Nate Silver predicts McConnell will ‘be a total dick’ from now on

New York Times’ statistical wunderkind Nate Silver has created an algorithm he claims predicts with 97 percent certainty the likelihood that Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell will continue acting like “a total dick.”

The new behavioral model takes into account a wide array of data, including text from McConnell’s media appearances, Senate votes and campaign materials spanning three decades.

“The beauty of this particular model is in its simplicity,” Silver tells LEO in a telephone interview. “Given the vast amounts of data in which McConnell has behaved like a hypocritical, power-hungry prick, we are able to extrapolate within a comfortable margin of error across multiple present-day variables to determine whether he will remain a giant dickhead indefinitely.”

For example, Silver predicts that should Ashley Judd decide to run against McConnell in 2014, the minority leader will “go full-dickwad” on her an average of 37 times throughout the campaign.

Although Silver expects conservative criticism of his analysis to ebb relative to the 2012 election, he says the perception of McConnell’s dickishness transcends party identification.

“At the end of the day, you don’t need a fancy mathematical model to know the guy’s a dick,” Silver adds.

Marilyn Parker demands to see Fischer birth certificate

First-term Metro Councilwoman Marilyn Parker is well known for questioning President Obama’s birth certificate — painting him as a secret Muslim “indoctrinated by Carl (sic) Marx” — and now she’s slinging similar accusations toward Mayor Greg Fischer.

Citing rumors she read on an Internet message board, Parker suspects Fischer was born in Canada and has demanded that he release his long-form birth certificate.

“Mayor Fischer needs to be straight with the citizens of Louisville and directly address these allegations,” said Parker at a Louisville Tea Party rally. “We all know Canada is a cesspool of socialism, and we deserve to know if Fischer is an agent of a communist sleeper cell bent on bringing such tyranny to our city.”

Parker also suspects that due to Fischer’s well-known love of reggae, he might actually be a secret Rastafarian instead of Christian, demanding that he immediately submit to a drug test. Holding up a specimen cup, Parker shouted to the Tea Party crowd: “If Mayor Fischer wants us to believe that he is not, in fact, a dope-smoking foreign communist, he should have nothing to hide. Only his pee can set him free!”

Ironic homeless shelter opens in NuLu

“Sheltered,” a new boutique shelter for the ironically homeless, has opened in NuLu. The “lifestyle event space” recreates the experience of living in a homeless shelter for the ironically homeless, including unemployed college graduates who need a night out of their parents’ basements and parents who need a night away from the unemployed adult children living in their basements. The facility is designed to resemble an actual homeless shelter, including rows of beds, steam-table dining and piped-in B.O. Before each meal, patrons are asked to accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior. The concept is the brainchild of Laura Lee Brown and Steve Wilson, the founders of the 21c hotel chain. The company plans to bring that chain’s fanciful style touches to Sheltered.

“Patrons at 21c have often asked us, ‘Why is there a small statue of a naked boy staring at me while I sleep?’ and we always say, ‘Because it’s not a neon penguin,’” said Brown. “We want to bring that kind of whimsy to the ironically homeless as well.”

Mixologist makes cocktail in less than 10 minutes

It was just another Friday night at a downtown cocktail bar in Louisville. Lines were as long and scraggly as the hipster beards that populated them. Swarms of skinny jeans and Chucks moved to the beats of a DJ. And then it happened. The room went silent. All eyes were on the bar. Even the drunk sorority girl focused her double vision on the event unfolding. Mixologist Rosie Rogers concocted a Bulleit Rye Manhattan in less than 10 minutes. Nobody knew what to do. The fickle frat boys started applauding the major feat. “It means I’m gonna get my drink quicker, bitches!” said Beta Brian Johnson. But the hipsters and fellow mixologists gave disapproving looks that would impress McKayla Maroney.

“It’s just not right, man,” said mopeder Frankie York. “These guys are artists. No art is ever made in less than 10 minutes. If people want fast drinks, they can go to B-Dubs.”

Rogers was immediately pulled from the bar and put on bathroom duty. “I guess I didn’t shake the drink long enough,” she admitted, holding her head in shame as she scrubbed the urinal. “Maybe I’m just not cut out for this work.”

The night eventually got back to normal once the shock wore off and enough bitters and eye-droplets of house-made tonics were consumed.

Insider Louisville cites Insider Louisville in story about Insider Louisville

Insider Louisville has published an in-depth story about Insider Louisville in which the media upstart cites Insider Louisville’s previous coverage of Insider Louisville coverage.

“We’re Insider Louisville,” founder and lead writer Terry Boyd wrote in a blog post titled “Insider Louisville.” “The old, dying print media in this city simply wouldn’t touch this story, in which Insider Louisville saved thousands of lives by writing a story based on past Insider Louisville coverage.”

Supplanting The Ville Voice and The Louisville Courant as the city’s go-to online source for insider gossip and self-referential reportage, Boyd’s expose on Insider Louisville is, according to Insider Louisville, “the best Insider Louisville story yet.”

The 87,000-word (and still-ongoing) article plumbs the depths of past Insider Louisville-related coverage, as well as the occasional non-Insider Louisville-related happening “only as Insider Louisville could bring it to you.”

The story eventually traces Insider Louisville’s coverage of the Big Bang, a point in time some 13.77 billion years ago when all physical matter in the universe was contained in one infinitely dense and energy-packed point, a story Boyd criticizes other media outlets for ignoring.

Angie Fenton finds 46,497th dog via Facebook, launches ‘Find Fido’ company via Kickstarter

You can be certain of three things every time you log onto Facebook: 1) Someone is bitching about work, family or weather; 2) Someone has sent you a game request; and 3) Angie Fenton has helped find a lost dog. Today marks a major milestone for Fenton, a reporter for WHAS-TV’s “Great Day Live!” and managing editor of The Voice-Tribune. She has helped find the 46,497th dog by posting about the vanished mutt on her Facebook page, which boasts 4,993 friends as of press time. “My dogs are my life, and if anything were to ever happen to them, my mascara would be ruined,” she says. “I just want to help others who have lost their babies. It can be a very stressful life event.”

Fenton is celebrating the launch of Find Fido: Reunited and It Feels So Good, a dog-finding business, on Saturday in the space above Barkstown Road in the Highlands. The mayor will be on hand to cut the ribbon and trim puppy nails free of charge. “Fenton is a hero to our pooch population here in Louisville,” Mayor Fischer says. “We’re thinking about putting her face on the side of every Feeders Supply store in town.”

Fenton started Find Fido with the help of a Kickstarter campaign. Rumors of a reality TV show following the local celebrity and her quest to leave no lost dog unfound have been abuzz. For now, the modest journalist remains mum on the subject: “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”

In wake of VA hospital site snafu, developer offers to hire veterans to staff new boutique hotel

After a real-estate deal involving a new veterans hospital was found to have dubiously lined the pockets of the parcel’s owner, Jonathan Blue, Blue proposed a novel solution.

“Look, I’m a businessman, but I also, on occasion, have a conscience,” the wealthy developer told media during a press conference at the Brownsboro Road site at the heart of the controversy. “So instead of the VA merely using this site to treat its wounded soldiers, I’m offering a compromise that, I think, will be mainly to my benefit.”

Blue then outlined his plans for “Fort R&R,” a 110-bed military-themed boutique hotel staffed and operated by military veterans.

“In business speak, this is what we call a win-win-win,” said Blue.

In exchange for 50 hours of work per week in the hotel, Blue will allow the veteran staff to sleep in any unoccupied rooms, as well as find refuge in auxiliary barracks deep below the site’s planned subterranean parking garage.

“It’s the patriotic thing to do,” Blue said. “Trot veterans into the light when you need them, then cram them into darkened, damp confines when they start complaining about phantom limbs and flashbacks.”

Incredible Raves to open near downtown

A new suburban-style shopping plaza planned for Portland is touting an anchor that’s sure to draw an eclectic clientele ranging from school-age kids to drunken frat boys to amphetamine-fueled clubgoers: Incredible Raves.

Incredible Raves founder Rod Johnson pledges “Incredi-food,” including “spinach dip for Grandma and cheesy fries for the little ones,” all of which can be enjoyed to the thump of tribal dancing and hardcore techno.

Johnson also noted that Incredible Raves is a great place for Mom to enjoy a refreshing Pinot while Dad is bowling and the big kids are tripping balls, enveloped by laser lights, fog machines and an imagined fire demon that only they can see.

Ed Hart resurrects long-idle sex club under Whiskey Row

Whiskey Row developers have tapped local businessman Ed Hart to reopen the long-abandoned dungeon sex club discovered last year during renovations of the historic buildings along Main Street.

Hart, who is currently planning to reopen the Kentucky Kingdom amusement park at the Fairgrounds, says the new club — tentatively dubbed “Carnal Kingdom” — is sure to stimulate the downtown economy.

“For far too long, Kentuckians seeking to be hung by their ankles with their nipples clamped while spanked by a qualified dominatrix specialist have been forced to cross the river into Indiana to spend their hard-earned dollars,” Hart tells LEO. “This club will keep that money in Louisville, increase our tax revenue, and give a jolt to the flaccid Yum! Center TIF district.”

Hart says much work still has to be done to get the club back to its former condition, including bringing in professionals to inspect the various rides, swings and contraptions to make sure they’re up to code, as “both the safety and depraved sexual gratification of customers are our top priority.”

Lt. Gov. Abramson visibly uncomfortable at Pikeville speaking engagement

Onlookers described Lt. Gov. Jerry Abramson as “visibly uncomfortable” at a recent economic development event held just outside the Eastern Kentucky hamlet of Pikeville.

Witnesses said the urbane former Louisville mayor appeared anxious and sweaty at a speaking event in which Abramson was set to unveil a new community center and retail development in nearby Fishtrap Lake State Park.

“We were all gathered in the Waffle House,” recalls local resident Derek Wynn. “And Jerry must’ve got some syrup on himself. Anyway, he spent the next half-hour changing into a different suit.”

A source in the lieutenant governor’s shoe-shining office said Abramson isn’t comfortable around the state’s rural population, in part because he cannot understand their language. “Half the time, he has no clue what they’re saying to him.”

The source added that Abramson has employed an interpreter and a speech coach to polish his famous communication skills, and that his oratory style has changed dramatically from his days as “Mayor for Life.”

“Me am glad today y’all,” Abramson said to the crowd. “Me bring money, me bring jobs. Yeehaw! Kentucky basketball big winners!”

’70s McConnell takes time machine to challenge Tea Party McConnell in primary

As Sen. Mitch McConnell battles to fend off a potential Tea Party challenger from his right in next year’s election, a surprise challenger has emerged from McConnell’s left, painting Kentucky’s senior senator as a radical conservative out of touch with mainstream America.

The challenger is Jefferson County Judge-Executive Mitch McConnell, who traveled forward in time from 1978 after stumbling into a time warp in Cherokee Park.

Unlike the 2013 version of McConnell, the 1978 judge-executive was a moderate Republican, favoring collective bargaining for public employee unions, public financing of campaigns, and respect for minorities’ civil rights and voting rights.

“My mentor — former Sen. John Sherman Cooper — was a champion for the Civil Rights Act and denounced the folly of misguided wars such as Vietnam,” says Judge-Executive McConnell. “But it appears Sen. McConnell has abandoned those moderate teachings in order to ingratiate himself with the destructive politics of the Tea Party, the intolerant dogma of the Christian Right, and the undying greed of corporate America and the military-industrial complex.”

Sen. McConnell immediately counterpunched with a blistering $500,000 television ad buy, painting his new opponent as a socialist vestige of a rightly purged faction of the Republican Party, and arguing that 1978 McConnell is even further to the left of President Barack Obama.

The ad — which morphs a young McConnell’s face into both Obama and Jimmy Carter — charges that judge-executive McConnell supports “welfare handouts to union bosses and politicians, and unconditional surrender to al-Qaeda,” also noting his opposition to Ronald Reagan’s presidential candidacy because he was “too conservative.”

Gill Holland designated nation’s first LEED-certified human

Louisville entrepreneur and filmmaker Gill Holland is the first American human to receive LEED certification for his low personal impact on the environment. He was awarded the Silver Level, according to LEED spokesman Ben Green. In order to achieve the designation, Holland took several unorthodox measures, including replacing his skeleton with renewable bamboo and installing a green roof on his head. For the 18 months prior to certification, he also propelled himself solely with the power of his own wind.

In another innovative move that impressed LEED officials, Holland recycled all of his own waste into an intoxicating line of cocktails that have been popular with government officials, the media and the East Market Street hipster crowd. Although environmentalists hailed the achievement as a breakthrough for an American, it should be noted that approximately 3 billion Asians, Africans and Central Americans have been LEED Platinum since birth.

Area woman seeking abortion not as dehumanized as she could be

After terminating her four-week pregnancy, Buechel resident Andrea Clark says she found the expensive and difficult moral dilemma of obtaining an abortion not as dehumanizing as it could be and blames state lawmakers for making her feel only marginally terrified.

“I endured self-righteous anti-choice protesters, paid hundreds of dollars because I don’t have health insurance, and was subjected to forced ultrasounds,” the 27-year-old says. “But I only wound up feeling like the state was really half-assing its efforts to make me feel as belittled and scared as I could have been. If I wanted to be treated like a human being, I’d move to San Francisco.”

Republican state Sen. Jimmy Higdon, a longtime sponsor of stricter anti-abortion measures, shares Clark’s frustrations.

“As an elected official, it is my duty to ensure that our most vulnerable citizens live in a constant state of fear and uncertainty,” Higdon said. “And that goes doubly for pregnant women of less than modest means.”

“We’re failing in our duty to uphold the constitution every time a woman makes a choice to terminate her pregnancy without feeling as low as humanly possible,” he continued.

Since her less than optimally horrifying experience, Clark is lobbying Frankfort regarding a new bill that she, Sen. Higdon and 26 male members of the Senate plan on introducing at a special session; the legislation would require physicians to employ gynecological instruments from the 19th century and mandate the state to make public the names, addresses and pictures of women seeking abortions.

“Hopefully one day soon,” Clark says, “I can be fully treated like the piece of shit my state believes I am.”

Mayor launches new office to oversee city offices

Mayor Greg Fischer announced today that he is creating the Office of Offices, a new Metro Government department to oversee the operation of other government offices.

“When I ran for mayor three years ago, I told voters I would run government like a business,” says Fischer. “I stand here today to tell you, never mind.”

The first order of business for the Office of Offices will be to assign a new task force to review the mission and effectiveness of past, current and future task forces.

“The taxpayers of Louisville want to hold their government accountable to make sure it is working to provide needed services in an effective and efficient manner,” says Fischer. “We hope this extra layer of bureaucracy, through the long and painstaking task of additional research and committee meetings, will be able to achieve this at some point in the future.”

Kentucky Democrats file bill to make sulfur dioxide official air pollutant

Seeking to further bolster acceptance from the coal industry, Democrats from the state House announced a new bill that would make sulfur dioxide the “official air pollutant of Kentucky.”

“While the big government bureaucrats of Obama’s EPA continue to wage their ‘War on Coal,’ we feel obligated to stand behind our besieged industry and give the proper recognition to this valuable byproduct of the burning of coal,” said House Speaker Greg Stumbo.

At the Frankfort press conference — attended by 39 House Democrats, Gov. Steve Beshear and several coal mining CEOs — House Environment and Energy Committee chairman Jim Gooch expanded on the virtues of the pollutant, which critics say leads to increased risk of asthma and heart attacks.

“While Obama seeks to limit the amount of sulfur dioxide released by coal-burning power plants — even encouraging cleaner alternative energy sources — we stand here in praise of all the jobs and economic benefits made possible by this ‘Kentucky Proud’ exhaust,” Gooch said.

Gov. Beshear later revealed that discussions are under way for another bill labeling selenium — the toxic runoff from surface mining — as the official water pollutant of Kentucky, though there is still debate among House Democrats on whether to go forward with this measure.

“If selenium turned our mountain streams wildcat blue instead of bright Tennessee orange, that bill would be a no-brainer,” Beshear said. “But we need to work through these concerns to make sure we are doing the best thing for the commonwealth.”

JCPS kindergarten teacher eager to pack heat

Veteran Jefferson County Public Schools kindergarten teacher Judy Eagleton is “eager to pack heat,” according to a recent interview with LEO Weekly. Miss Judy, as her students call her, was planning to retire in 2014 after a 35-year career in the school system but now says the prospect of keeping a Glock in her cubby has renewed her enthusiasm for teaching 5-year-olds. Should the opportunity arise, she’d “love to waste some scumbags,” and she assures parents and grandparents that she would not hesitate to “take out the trash.”

Allowing teachers to carry weapons has been proposed by Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul and other state and federal lawmakers, and Miss Judy enthusiastically supports that plan. In addition to permission to carry a firearm, she also expressed a desire to be able to enjoy a cocktail or two at her desk to “take the edge off.”

“Oh, and some extra money for picture books and crayons would be very helpful,” she added.

To meet demand, Maker’s Mark now puts wax inside bottle

Bourbon has just become a little more interesting. The makers of Maker’s Mark were never big fans of the mere swallow — so they’re adding chewing to the mix. In order to meet global demand, the bourbon company is adding their signature red wax to the product itself. Instead of an amber-colored liquid, the consistency and color now resemble a stale cherry Laffy Taffy.

Four out of five doctors say ingesting the wax is totally safe, while three out of five dentists are worried about what that waxy buildup might do to your teeth. “It will be years before we see the effects this wax has on molars,” said dentist Greg “Open Up” Carter. “I would recommend brushing after each glass.”

“Why should chewing be limited to food?” asks Marker’s Mark’s CEO Rob Samuels. “We’re bringing a whole new experience to your bourbon-drinking, and we hope you enjoy.”

Because of the residue the red wax leaves on your teeth, Maker’s has rolled out an ad campaign titled “Show Me Your Teeth,” which is similar to the “Got Milk?” ads where celebrities pose with a milk mustache. Louisville girl Jennifer Lawrence has been signed as the first Maker’s model to pose with a red, waxy smile.

Rand Paul faces residency questions due to time spent in Iowa

As Sen. Rand Paul weighs whether to run for president or for re-election as Kentucky’s senator in 2016, many political observers are beginning to wonder if Paul will be ineligible for the latter race, as his only known appearances in Kentucky have been on television sets via national cable networks over the past two years.

“Well, he’s made about 173 television appearances on Fox News over that time, and he’s made plenty of speeches in the early presidential primary states like Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina,” says University of Kentucky political science professor Don Gross. “But to my knowledge, there hasn’t been a confirmed sighting of Paul in Kentucky. This could bring a serious challenge to the residency requirement in order to run for senator here.”

Paul has responded to criticism by claiming his interviews on political talk shows and conservative radio programs legally counts toward his residency, as such two-dimensional appearances on televisions, along with the sound of his voice, count as time spent in Kentucky.

“As I continue to take hard-hitting questions from the likes of Sean Hannity and Neil Cavuto on the nature of President Obama’s tyranny and whatever paranoid issue I’m grandstanding about, Kentuckians should know that my absence in the state and disinterest in talking about issues that affect its residents should not be taken as some kind of sign that I don’t care,” Paul said. “Believe me, I know their votes will count, whichever race I run for.”

Frustrated state officials rechristen towns ‘Mt. Warshington’ and ‘Bargetown’

Citing a “widespread inability of Kentuckians to pronounce their own towns correctly,” the Cabinet for City Monikers announced it will change the official spelling of Bardstown to “Bargetown” and Mount Washington to “Mount Warshington,” effective May 1. The move comes after an expensive education campaign that failed to impact more than a handful of citizens.

“Frankly, if people can’t get the marbles out of their mouths and say their own town names right, it doesn’t make sense to keep on spelling them correctly,” said cabinet secretary Gene Franklin. The cabinet is also considering changing Shelbyville to “Chubbyvul,” Pikeville to “Packful,” and Versailles to “Fur Sales.” In response to the “Bargetown” change, the Transportation Cabinet is considering changing a portion of Bardstown Road in Louisville to “Bargetown Road.” The change would impact the busy byway only outside the Watterson Expressway. The road would still be spelled “Bardstown” inside the Watterson, where it is typically pronounced correctly.

Penis falls off ‘David’ statue, injures nun

David’s penis has fallen, and it can’t get up. In a freak accident on Monday, the male sex organ on the “David (inspired by Michelangelo)” statue in front of 21c Museum Hotel detached from the gold structure and plunged 15 feet onto a tour group of nuns from St. Mary’s Academy in Bowling Green. Only one, Sister Mary Margaret, was taken to the hospital with a minor head injury. “It’s not every day we have to be on the lookout for falling johnsons,” says Sister Sarah Margaret. “In fact, a male-member is the last thing we thought we’d ever have to encounter. We have a better chance of meeting Oprah than getting pummeled by a penis!”

The “David” statue has stood erect in front of 21c for nearly six months without incident. Hotel management has apologized to the nuns and offered them an overnight stay in the contemporary hotel. “The bar tab is on us,” says Rachel Cutler, general manager at Proof. “These ladies deserve an evening free of worry and tumbling testicles.”

The penis is scheduled to be Super Glued back onto the statue next month, once a committee has analyzed the possibility of this embarrassing event occurring again. Meanwhile, owners of The Connection nightclub have expressed interest in purchasing the misplaced member if the city decides to keep “David” neutered.

Gay Irishman confused about what Highlands bar to go to

Ryan O’Callahan stood at a crossroads Saturday night, unsure which path to take. He was planted at the intersection of Grinstead Drive and Bardstown Road, facing the Speedway: If he goes left, he’ll spend the night among the many Irish bars that dot Baxter Avenue. O’Callahan is of Irish descent, so it would be like family. However, if he goes right, he’ll spend his time at Big Bar, which is also like family to him ever since he came out. “I just don’t know which way to go,” he said. “This is a major decision every time I go out now!”

The Highlands will soon be home to two more gay bars, which makes O’Callahan happy, yet even more conflicted. “The gay-to-Irish ratio will now be even,” he says. “I am just going to have to start splitting my night up. It’s almost like ‘Sophie’s Choice,’ in a way. Which group of people do I shun, and with which do I have fun? It’s hard to be a gay Irishman in the Highlands.”

O’Callahan has toyed with the idea of opening up a gay Irish bar — in the Highlands, of course — which would solve all his problems. As for possible names, he’s considered The Shamcock, Four Leafs & Two Balls, O’Gurl’s, The Fisting Irish, The Lucky Rim, and The Other Back Door.

Adult Contemporary music prompts Big Four pedestrians to jump

“I just can’t take this Hall & Oates another second … I’m gonna jump!” screamed South Ender Shelly Rogers from the Big Four Bridge. Two seconds later, she plunged into the mighty Ohio River. (Let’s hope those private eyes are watching her from heaven.) Rogers’ demise was the 11th such suicide on the recently opened Big Four Bridge. It’s also the 11th time a death has been blamed on the music. “We play only the best in adult contemporary,” explains Waterfront Development Corp. president David Karem. “I really didn’t expect people to have this visceral of a reaction. Celine Dion, Amy Grant, Richard Marx — these are people I want to dance to, not jump to.”

The Waterfront Development Corp. has silenced the tunes while a committee examines what music is most appropriate for the bridge. Titled “Casual vs. Causalities,” the task force will be led by WFPK’s Laura Shine. “Hey, man, it shouldn’t be this difficult,” she says in her wonderfully sexy-raspy voice. “We’re hoping for a partnership between Waterfront Development Corp. and WFPK. I mean, we’re already the city’s favorite public radio station, right? Let’s pump it in and stop these unnecessary deaths.”

Germantown resident Scott McDermott almost jumped last week when ABBA’s “Dancing Queen” was playing. “I had just stepped in a pile of dog shit, and I said, ‘What am I doing with my life? I’m on a bridge that goes (halfway) to Southern Indiana! I am not having the time of my life. You can dance? I can jump!’” Luckily Angie Fenton was on the bridge looking for a lost dog and was able to talk McDermott off the ledge. “What can I say? I love people almost as much as dogs, I guess,” she said.

Hipster apocalypse strikes Germantown

While “preppers” and nerds predict a coming zombie apocalypse, officials say society’s worst fears have been realized: Hipsters, not zombies, have taken over Germantown, and the plague appears to be spreading.

“This is not something we saw coming,” said Michael Payton, a spokesman for the Louisville Association of Contingency Planners. “Our mission is to make sure residents and businesses are prepared in the event of a natural or technological disaster. But we have no plan for how to deal with swarms of hairy people on coaster bikes.”

While the plague has moved more slowly than those in fictional dramatizations of the end of the world, suggesting it should be relatively easy to quell, officials fear the plague’s gibbons-like pace makes the Hipster Apocalypse all the more dangerous.

“You don’t know it until it’s upon you, and then it’s too late,” said Debbie Fox, director of the Louisville-Jefferson County Emergency Management Agency. “My own nephew was once a promising fine arts major at U of L, and one day we all turned around and he was wearing Bozo the Clown T-shirts, talking incessantly about Arcade Fire, and had begun to look eerily like the love child of Dobie Gillis and Jim James.”

Yet longtime Schnitzelberg resident Andy Held said it was like the hipster horde descended “overnight.” He’s lived on Texas Avenue since the 1970s and has watched the tight-knit, working-class neighborhood change, but said he’s never seen anything like what is taking place now.

“You can’t even go to the Goss Avenue Kroger to pick up some deli fried chicken for supper without encountering swarms of those people buying veggie burgers and weird stuff from the international aisle,” Held says. “The grocery even started carrying three different types of organic milk for these freaks.”

Fox advised residents to stay indoors if possible and avoid contact with the hipsters. If you are confronted by one, she said, do not mention your favorite bands and avoid any mention of eating meat or patronizing national chain retail outlets.

“It only riles them,” she said.

Fox also warned against consuming Pabst Blue Ribbon, which scientists believe might have a connection to the apocalypse: “My nephew began drinking it in response to his friends who’d already turned, and the next thing we knew, he was wearing his sister’s blue jeans.”

Careful review shows Kevin Harned lip-synced tornado warning

A review of a WAVE-3 tornado warning in February shows that chief meteorologist Kevin Harned lip-synced the entire broadcast. The review was conducted by amateur meteorologist and self-proclaimed “Horny for Harned” superfan Tina Wilson. Her review shows that Harned made occasional minor mistakes during the broadcast. “It’s especially obvious whenever he says ‘bow echo,’” she said. “He doesn’t always hit the ‘B’ just right. But no lives were lost and, you gotta admit, he is one handsome devil.” Wilson has posted the clip on the Horny for Harned Facebook page.

“Look, I’m a perfectionist,” said Harned in an exclusive interview with LEO Weekly. “Keeping the public safe is a very emotional experience for me. Our technology today allows us to know in advance exactly where the storms will go, so why not pre-record it and get it perfect? If I’m not freaking out, it’s easier to focus on freaking out the viewers, which is something my audiences have come to depend on. And with the pressure off, it also ensures I won’t have any unsightly pit stains on the air. HD can be a cruel bitch.”

Out-of-towners mistake Club 21 as 21c

Due to a Google Maps error, a pair of art aficionados in town from New York City mistakenly attended a female hot oil-wrestling match at the Germantown neighborhood dive Club 21, instead of the nationally renowned art gallery at downtown Louisville’s 21c Museum Hotel.

Unaware of the mishap, Julian and Miranda Hawthorne had nothing but praise for Club 21, labeling the wrestling a masterful piece of performance art that spoke to the modern woman’s struggle for acceptance in the urban decay of modern America.

“The piece was a wonderful representation of how women in today’s post-industrial urban economy are objectified, having to figuratively scratch and claw at each other in a patriarchal structure in order to achieve social mobility into the middle class,” Miranda said.

Julian noted that Club 21’s “rotting interior” and “rowdy male onlookers” added “a real sense of authenticity to the evolving working-class gender dynamics of America.”

NRA member switches to Wine of the Month Club

Longtime NRA member Otis Houston of Jeffersontown has dropped his NRA membership and joined the Wine of the Month Club. The former Second Amendment enthusiast made the announcement at an impromptu press conference, telling reporters, “I’m just tired of all that shouting. I think it’s time to kick back and drink a nice, dry Syrah.”

The surprising turnabout comes at a time when the NRA is under fire for being out of touch with its membership and considered by many to be under the control of corporate money and mentally deranged mouthpieces like Wayne LaPierre and Ted Nugent. But Houston said the timing is just a coincidence. “I just got to thinking about it, and I figure if I’m spending all that money, I ought to get something to show for it, like a nice Cabernet with a crisp black-currant finish.”

Although he’s dropping his NRA membership, Houston has no plans to get rid of his guns. “I’ve never been a corkscrew man,” he said, whereupon he pulled out his Smith & Wesson 44 Magnum, shot the top off a 2009 Veramonte Merlot, and poured glasses for reporters.