To get Stanhope talking politics, LEO employed Louisville Improvisors’ artistic director CHRIS ANGER. He spoke by phone with Stanhope (who was at a Rhode Island gas station) and got Stanhope’s pledge of support for Anger’s own run for mayor of Metro Louisville as a write-in candidate in November.
(The Anger Campaign is solely financed by sales of the “Vote with Anger” T-shirt, found at Nitty Gritty, WHY Louisville, Walden Theatre and in Chris Anger’s trunk.) —Elizabeth Kramer
Chris Anger: I guess we’ll sort of talk about the campaign.
Doug Stanhope: Yeah, you go right ahead. Ignore the children screaming in the background but, like you, I love children and I think they’re our future — unlike the other candidates for mayor.
CA: Actually, not only do I love children; I want to give children the vote.
DS: Yeah. Anyone who can punch a chad has the right to vote — and that includes trained monkeys. Do you want to keep working 60-hour workweeks when you can train your own monkey to do that same position?
CA: I sure don’t. I’m the only pro-monkey candidate on the ballot right now.
DS: You’re the only candidate representing a lot of logical options.
CA: That’s right.
DS: Say you have a job at UPS just stacking boxes. A monkey can stock boxes just as well. You don’t need to pay top dollar for health insurance when they can train a monkey to be your anesthesiologist.
CA: The last time I had surgery, I think there was actually a monkey working as a receptionist, but he could have done so much more.
DS: So much more. And it is all the red tape and bureaucracy that keeps monkeys, as well as children, from getting ahead in this world. The rich just keep getting richer, and the monkeys just eat bananas.
CA: That sure doesn’t seem fair.
DS: It’s not fair.
CA: Just because a monkey can’t handle the paperwork, we’re going to shut him out of the workforce?
DS: No. We’re going to train. We’re going to educate.
CA: Are you going to be voting with Anger in November?
DS: I’m going to be voting in every poll that I can. I’m going have legal addresses in every city and every state because that’s the kind of American I am. I’m going to get a P.O. Box at a Mailboxes Etc. in every major metropolis. I’m going to write in “Chris Anger” in states where he is not even running — just to spread the message.
CA: I have to tell you, running a one-man campaign is kind of getting to me. I lost my intern. My campaign manager won’t even take my calls.
DS: That just shows that you have no part in government waste; hiring on friends. There’s no nepotism in the Anger campaign.
CA: That’s right. I’m trying to get criminals the vote, because, now, in Kentucky, after you’ve done your time you don’t get your right to vote back.
DS: They’ve served their time. Many are punished for things that shouldn’t even be crimes.
CA: That’s right. Maybe he deserved to die.
DS: In fact, I don’t see any reason why the criminals should not only be able to vote, but be able to count the votes. Now, let’s talk about some of your opponents for this mayoral run. I think it’s kind of curious that none has denied blatant involvement in the Satanic Church. You are the only candidate who has said you do not worship Satan and are willing to take a polygraph. And they’re too removed from the common people. You on the other hand are underneath the common people.
CA: I can hardly see the common people from where I’m sitting.
DS: I look forward to stumping for you all week in Louisville. Of course, you know, it’s the only reason I’ve come to that godforsaken place, the way that it’s run now. I will spend all week on the Anger Management Team at Comedy Caravan, and we’ll let that message scream loud over a microphone to the drunken ears of tens. I’m already getting fitted for my tuxedo for your November Inaugural Pancake Victory Breakfast.
CA: From your mouth to God’s ears, my friend.
DS: Come on, Kentucky, vote with Anger. Bye now.
CA: Excellent. Bye, Doug. Thanks.
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