Ask Minda Honey: Should I Open the Door to More Partners?

Feb 21, 2018 at 10:20 am
Minda Honey
Minda Honey

In a relationship or life jam? Lemme unstuck your life — send your questions to: [email protected].


I wanted to know your thoughts on open relationships. Do people have open relationships because it is a way to give permission to cheat? As we saw on the show “Insecure,” there are a lot of questions. What are the rules? Do you have doctor checkups after every hookup and do you share that with your partner? I was once propositioned with an open relationship but declined, thinking it was too much work and too many risks. What is your opinion?

—Mr. Curious

Hi Mr. Curious,

Thank you for your question!

First... Readers, do you know that if you have a question you — Yes, You! — can email it to [email protected], and I will answer it in this column (You’ll remain anonymous, of course).

Now, for anyone who is unfamiliar with open relationships — relationships in which you may date multiple people — there are a ton of solid resources for you just a Google search away.

As far as the various types of relationships go, I feel like everyone should do what fits them best. As long as you’re being honest and upfront, and the ground rules have been clearly laid out, go for it! That’s my official stance, anyway.

But real talk?

I can hardly find one decent person to be in a relationship with, and now poly-fans are trying to convince me that there are actually multiple people, all at the same time, that are compatible with me and a good fit? Because I for damn sure don’t need one, much less a crowd of mediocre people to be in a relationship with. Most people I meet who are poly are just like everyone else, nothing special. They get their toilet paper from Kroger just like the rest of us. Some of my closest friends are poly! But then there are a few types of poly people who aggravate me to no end.

First among them are the folks who are poly, and know you aren’t, but try to proposition you anyway. I worked with a woman’s primary partner, and she casually let it slip that my coworker found me attractive, and they’d like to spend time with me. This was after we’d just had a direct convo about my preference for monogamy.

And then there are white people who act like being poly gives them entry into an oppressed class. I get that monogamy is still by far the most accepted relationship arrangement, and that dicks over people who practice poly in various ways. But it really just isn’t the same as being LGTBQIA+, a person of color, having a disability, struggling with mental health, being an immigrant or refugee, or being one of the many other groups fighting to exist in America under Donald Trump’s reign.

Also, there are the people who act like being poly makes them emotionally and mentally superior to others. I have some former friends whose entire social circle revolves around being poly, and one of the blessings of that is that I haven’t run into them at all at social functions since breaking up with them. They were just very condescending and made people defend their choice to be monogamous. Like we’re all just sheep following the life ascribed to us by society. But there are many people, just like me, who’ve thought about poly, done our reading, had dialogues with friends and then just decided it wasn’t for us. I’m not opposed to it, and I certainly don’t judge anyone for being poly. A poly friend explained these condescending types as being like old-school, militant vegans who were really aggressive with their messaging, but then as veganism became more common and accepted, they mellowed out. He predicts the same will happen with poly.

Can’t wait.

Because if being poly was made of a superior group of people, it wouldn’t be a space equally infested with anti-blackness and misogyny as are the monogamous communities.

Readers who practice non-monogamy, and those of you who’ve thought about it and decided against it, why did you decide it was or wasn’t for you? You can post your response as the Ask Minda Honey Facebook page or email me. I’ll round up the best ones and share them with all my readers.