Ask Minda Honey: Boyfriend would rather smoke than work

Jan 30, 2019 at 9:34 am
Ask Minda Honey

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Hey Minda, I have some concerns in my current relationship. We have been dating a year now and are currently living together. This is the first time in my life that I have experienced true connection, love and acceptance. We have the same values, humor, and ultimate goals. The issue I’m having is his work ethic — it’s not up to par with mine. While I would have no problem with him making less money than me if I made more money, this unfortunately, is not the case. He is a carpenter who is very talented and a jack of all trades (construction). He is also offered about 30 to 50 hours a week and only takes about 10 to 20. He doesn’t wake up until about 10 a.m. every morning and attributes it to depression, which I empathized with. However, I think he just smokes too much weed. We both smoke bud, indulge in the culture and enjoy it. I don’t smoke until the evening while he wakes and bakes. It also takes him sooooooo long to get ready to go anywhere, he borders the line of disrespect. This is not his intention, but that doesn’t outweigh his actions. Anxiety also plays a role in how slow it takes him to get ready.

I guess what I’m trying to ask is: How do I get this mofo to stop smoking so much without resenting me? I’ve tried to lead by example, without success. Help!

Thank you, Dazed & Confused

Hey Love, I am so incredibly happy that you have finally found someone, because you are spectacular and deserve all the good things in life, times two. Yes, I am so happy you have met someone, but I’m sorry to say I don’t think you’ve met The One.

We are all works in progress. And it is absolutely possible to learn and grow in love. But the other person has to be of the same mindset. You have spoken to your partner about their excessive weed smoking. Y’all are under the same roof, so they are not unaware of the state of your joint finances or any discomfort you may be feeling as a result of their minimal work ethic. And, yet, they’ve made no move to change any of it. You even tried to change you. I’m sure at first you tried to make peace with it and discovered it wasn’t possible. So, you did the brave thing, and you had the big talk, and they probably nodded along, which was enough to get you to cutback in your weed consumption hoping it would spark a joint effort (sorry, I couldn’t help it!), and it did not. So, now you want to know how you can get him to change. Or, at least, you say you want to know, but I’m certain we already both know my answer to your question.

You can’t.

I have dated more than one broke mofo who never had money for dates but always had money for weed. I’ve seen dudes plummet all the way down in life to being careless and living with their brother’s girlfriend’s parents and still not get a real job because focusing on their music was more important. Some folks just have different priorities. Their standards of life don’t match ours. And that’s OK. That doesn’t make them villains. Don’t let the movies fool you into thinking people will acquiesce and change it up when love comes along.

He doesn’t want to change. He’s happy and comfortable where he is. The fact that you are not is clearly, based on his actions, a minor inconvenience, particularly since most days, you are, most likely, fairly tolerant, because, let’s be real, who wants to spend all day, every day arguing with bae? Nobody. You do that for a few months right before you get fed up enough to leave. You aren’t there yet. That’s OK. What you’re experiencing, aside from his work ethic and weed enthusiasm, is awesome and good and something you’ve wanted for so long. If what you want to do is stay and savor it for a bit, that’s OK. But, low-key, have a timeline in the back of your mind for when you’ll know the bad has begun to outweigh the good and you’re ready to experience whatever and whomever else life has in store for you. Get out before you get bitter. And yeah, most likely after he realizes a good woman will leave him over this, he’ll get it together for the very next one who comes along. But that’s just how life goes. You can’t change that either.

Alternately, you could try getting a roommate so y’all’s finances aren’t as tight, or you can go the non-monogamy route and see if there are any workhorses out there who want to be your backup pony — #thisisaginuwinereference.