CJ Wankers, Bernie’s hipster muppets and a racist over a socialist?


In the national news again. International even.

Who, your Mum?

Be thankful she’s 5,000 miles away, or she’d put the heed on you for that. No, this fair state. And for once, it isn’t because of knuckle-dragging county clerks.

Knuckle-draggers all the same. But do you know what the weirdest thing about United having passengers beaten up is?

That a plane to Louisville on a Sunday night was full?

No, that there weren’t four sensible people on board who were interested in 800 greenbacks, a night in a hotel and a gold-plated excuse not to go to work on a Monday. Me, I’d have bitten their arms off, both of them.

Likewise. Mind you, the headlines got it all wrong, they should’ve read “Physician’s Grandchildren Look Forwards to Lives of Idle Luxury.” The Courier-Journal’ll be lucky to stay out of court, too.

Hard to imagine ballsing up the narrative worse than they did. What a bunch of wankers. Almost every journalist I know is a wanker.

Hang on a sec; I used to be a journalist.

Quod Erat Demonstrandum, your honour.

Not to digress from yet another fascinating topic, but it’s strange how Americans think being called a wanker is an insult — at least between friends.

Faulty logic. You aren’t my friend.

Well, like it or not, your regular appearances in LEO make you a journalist, of sorts. Advertising and journalism — you only need qualify as a realtor, and you’ve made the wanker trifecta. Anyway. I’ll defend The CJ, or at least the wretched hack that drew the short straw and got asked to investigate this doctor. Some Gannett toady probably told her to look into him because he’d inadvertently become a major player in an international event, and she did as she was asked. All of which is fair enough. When she found dirt — and it is dirt — she got told to write it up. Can’t blame her for that.

I think you’re being far too generous. My suspicion is that the only dirt she thought she’d found was pay dirt. Even if your theory’s correct, why didn’t she stand up for her vaunted journalistic ethics and refuse the byline?

I wouldn’t have refused.

Decent people have high ethical standards. By default, that counts you out.

No, I’ve got a wife, kids and a mortgage. That’s what would have counted me out. The CJ is permanently downsizing — refuse to do what you’re asked, don’t come back in tomorrow. It’s not like there are a ton of well-paid journalism gigs in Louisville. Get fired by The CJ, and you’re packing the house up. And for what? In defence of someone who was found guilty of some pretty serious crimes? Not worth it. Would have come out anyway, and they unwittingly did him a favour into the bargain.

That’s the worst defence of the indefencible since the last thing Sean Spicer said. How would it have come out? And how on God’s green Earth did it do him a favour?

Embarrassing, for sure, but like a belly full of cheap booze and a greasy takeaway, better out than in. If The CJ hadn’t done it, someone else would have, therefore instantly diminishing his chances of facing an easily-influenced, all-white jury, or taking a cheap bribe to settle out of court. Less chance he’ll get his character assassinated by United, because The CJ already tried it and failed miserably.

No excuse, even if I can see your point. Perhaps his greatest piece of good fortune was that it happened in Chicago, not Louisville. Otherwise he might have ended up at one of our officially mediocre hospitals.

New motto: They may be mediocre, but at least they’re expensive. Shocking, considering it’s one of the few things this city prides itself on. Actually, put that way it’s really not that shocking at all. Anyway, and changing the subject again, did you see Bernie at the Palace?

No. But the only reason to go would’ve been to laugh at all of the hipster muppets who’re still convinced he’d be president if the primaries weren’t rigged. He got done in the primaries, fair and square. But he wouldn’t be president, even if he had beaten Clinton.

He polled well against every Republican contender. Why wouldn’t he be president?

Because, as I have said before, we’ll both be brown bread before this country votes for a socialist over a racist. Six months of Sanders proudly declaring “I am a socialist” in ads — such video exists — and Trump would have wiped the floor with him.

Well, if you do go maybe you can do us all a favour and get beaten up too. Rallies, aeroplanes, I don’t care where. So long as it happens.