What a Week

Embryonic spree
 In a potential setback to right-wing sanctimony, U of L researchers announced a breakthrough in coaxing adult bone-marrow cells to mimic embryonic stem cells. The research could lead to cures for various diseases without harvesting cells from embryos. Despite the windfall for the embryo community, no embryos returned repeated phone calls or e-mails seeking comment. (Because they’re, you know, embryos.)

 Metro Councilman Doug Hawkins wants to build a third new Ohio River bridge, this one linking Southwestern Jefferson County with Harrison County, Ind. The bridge faces opposition from council member Hummer McSprawl, who would rather pave the entire river, and local activist Sunnyside Myass, who wants Kentucky citizens to simply make do without going to Indiana.

Wild Kingdom
 Concerned that a proposed ordinance to ban pit bulls and Rottweilers might allow the city’s child population to grow unchecked, the Metro Council passed a measure allowing elephant rides in the city.

‘I don't know; I’ve never looked’
 In light of astonishing company research showing that drunk people smoke more, RJ Reynolds Tobacco began sending young-adult customers beverage coasters with jokes encouraging them to get ’faced. The only problem is that the coasters referred to Jack Daniel’s, Southern Comfort and other Brown-Forman brands, which Brown-Forman apparently didn’t realize could make people intoxicated. Bowing to pressure from Brown-Forman, Reynolds ended the coaster promo and planned new promotions targeting other activities that boost smoking, possibly including hilarious messages on condoms.

Plan for healthy citizens, economy
 Saying he wants a healthier state, Gov. Fletcher announced plans to push for healthier citizens and a healthier economy in the upcoming General Assembly. Legislation will attempt to foster job-growth and educate citizens about health risks, and — failing that — relocate everybody to Oregon.

He got an A in Welding
 The failure of Louisville’s Decker College is rocking the New York political world. Former Decker CEO William Weld, who was once governor of Massachusetts, is now running for governor in New York. But recent charges that Decker recruiters falsified student records and obtained federal loans for illiterate students, detailed on page A1 of Sunday’s NY Times, is making that task more difficult. The FBI is investigating. A former Decker dean told the Times that the trade school’s students had no interest in the actual curriculum and spent their time “drinking, smoking marijuana and skipping class.” (Sounds like the tech school students we know …) Weld denies all charges of wrongdoing, a line that should come in handy should he win in New York.