Love can make you green; too much beer can turn your nose red. And that’s about where the similarities of St. Valentine and St. Patrick stop. So who is the superior saint? Who dispenses the most joy? Who would you rather be sitting next to when your number is called? Here’s a brief look at the virtues and vices of both holidays.
•St. Valentine:
Primary Color: Red
Primary Symbol: Heart
Primary Mascot: Cupid
Primary Emotion: Love
Primary Food/Beverage: Chocolate
Primary Company: Lover
Primary Actions: Exchanging gifts of love notes, flowers, chocolate, etc.; dating; swapping spit
Primary Offenders: Singles
Primary Beneficiaries: Hallmark, fancy restaurants, flower shops
Primary Downside: Unnecessary expenditures
Primary Upside: Getting laid
Primary Analysis: Love does indeed hurt, as the Nazareth song professes. For every fool in love, there’s a lover scorned. St. Valentine offers up a holiday only a handful of the population can enjoy — sappy, googly-eyed couples and children. For everyone else, it represents a reminder of what they don’t have or what they have lost.
•St. Patrick:
Primary Color: Green
Primary Symbol: Clover
Primary Mascot: Leprechaun
Primary Emotion: Joy
Primary Food/Beverage: Beer
Primary Company: Friends
Primary Actions: Drinking green beer; eating Irish delicacies like bangers ’n’ mash and beef stew; wearing green
Primary Offenders: Teetotalers
Primary Beneficiaries: Bars, manufacturers of green food dye
Primary Downside: Hangover
Primary Upside: Getting laid
Primary Analysis: Participation in St. Patrick’s holiday is in the eye of the beer holder. He calls on his disciples to eat, drink and be merry. There’s no obligation to participate, other than an occasional pinch if you’re not wearing green. The memories and green-beer stains will last a lifetime.
Drunk Texts of the Week
•“Does everyone in the Highlands own a dog?? Or has it been raining frozen dog turds??”
•“I’m gonna flood this place with upper cuts”
•“These refs are like dogs at a park, they feel like they need to leave their mark on every play”
•“He talked my pants off!”
Read my daily reasons to drink at barbelle.leoweekly.com.
