‘Ain’t nothing but a house party!’ Stop it with the F’n house parties, idjits


“They're dancing on the ceiling, they're dancing on the floor People everywhere coming through the door They know there's a party going on Through the dance and romance all night long … Ain’t nothing but a house party!” —The J. Geils Band’s (Ain’t Nothing But A) House Party

How is your social distancing going? Figured out a way to tweak the rules? Who’s to know, right?

Just recently, a local woman posted on Faceplant that she and her neighbors have been amusing themselves with college drinking games but were keeping their chairs six feet apart.

“We had a lot of traffic. It was a good day,” she proclaimed.

A good day for what?! Spreading an epidemic?

It seems that we in Kentuckiana are not staying away from each other, either intentionally because we are in denial or think COVID-19 is some Democratic impeachment plot redux… or because we are just plain stupid. 

Kentucky got a C- for its “decrease in average mobility” (how much you are staying at home) and a D for the decrease in nonessential visits, according to the latest from Unacast, which creates the grades by using cellphone GPS data and other voodoo.

Jefferson County got a C- overall, with a C for the decrease in mobility and a B for the decrease in nonessential visits. Check back with this website daily, because the grades change.

By comparison, the nation got a B.

What do you say about that Gov. Andy?

“You can’t be doing that!”

Repeat after him: “You can’t be doing that!”

As for house parties, actually, the question came up during Monday’s edition of Daily Affirmations and Recriminations with Pastor Andy.

“Can I clarify if it is OK to have home gatherings indoor or out as long as everybody remains six feet apart and makes sure kids do the same?” a visibly disappointed Gov. Andy said, reading the question with a shake of his head.

“The answer is: no. We cannot have house parties. Right now, that is the area, the area we need to improve on. Sure, it is smaller than a large gathering, and yes, I know you want your kids to be able to play with other kids. I desperately do. But you cannot be having house parties. If you have done it, just commit that we are not going to do it again. Make sure you are using virtual means. But no having people over and saying we are just going to be six feet apart. You are all touching the same things. The virus is going to spread in that type of situation.”

Hallelujah! Can he get a witness?

Yes, he can. 

Mayor Greg, sequestered in his home, also had stern words for house partiers during his daily briefing.

“It just takes one massive spreader for this thing to really get out of control. I am worried about that, because while the vast majority have been behaving in a good way, here is what we are seeing too many of,” he said. 

“We are still seeing too many people throwing house parties. OK? Think to yourself: We are in this massive public health crisis, and you want to throw a house party? Come on. That is not smart. You might say, well, these are my friends. I know them. They are good. Remember: This disease is being spread by people who have no symptoms. They are asymptomatic, so you don’t know whether they have it or not. So you should be thinking everybody has the virus and modify your behavior accordingly. The virus will go away if you do that. 

“These house parties — we are not getting noise complaints about. It is just that we can’t have this now. It is not smart. I understand that people will say, ah, you know, let’s give this a little break. We can trust these folks. It is not about trusting anybody, because you do not know what their health condition is. But what you are doing is you are risking the lives of your friends and your family. It is your party, and they are going back out into the community as well.”

So, listen to good Gov. Andy and Mayor Greg — don’t be like J. Geils or that the neighborhood lawn drinkers. Party by yourself, with your cat and away from other people.