How To Beat Mitch? Run George Clooney

George Clooney

You know the thing people are surprised about when they ask me what I miss most about Britain?

Let me guess. You miss living in a country where inbred, chinless snobs think that because Mater and Pater paid a lot for private Latin tutoring, they have a divine right to rule?

No, not that. Although to your point, they don’t just think they rule — they do rule, hence the Eton mess the country is in right now. No, I mostly miss the weather.

So, you aren’t an example of the “brain drain” they speak of? There’s a surprise. But how can you possibly miss British weather? The only country on Earth with more than a dozen words for rain.

You don’t need makeup to pass for Gollum: It’s obvious you don’t get much natural light. So it’s not surprising that you’re unfamiliar with the weather here. I’ll enlighten you — it’s fucking awful. Steam bath, life in the freezer or raining cats and dogs. Take your pick because those are the only options available. I miss long summer evenings at the cricket club, a pint of half-warm beer in hand, the sound of leather on willow. And is it me, or has it been pissing down more than ever here? It’s making an entire British summer look like a fortnight in Benidorm.

Leather on willow? Not even Scott Jennings spawns shit that clichéd. But look on the bright side, mate. Kentucky’s unlikely to run out of water, so once Arizona, Texas and most of California are only suitable for camels, this place is finally going to look a little more attractive. Who knows, a business might even move here without having to be bribed.

There’s nothing more British than talking about the weather, although we don’t have a monopoly on such tedium. Yanks love it, too.

True, but still a desperate way to open this column.

I don’t see you kicking off any of these “chats,” Shakespeare. Even for a scribe of my pedigree, it’s damn near impossible to come up with an interesting opening twice a month.

Let me do your work for you and change the subject then. Slavery reparations: yes or no?

In principle, absolutely, but how that works out in practice is way too complex for a country that still can’t work out universal healthcare. But the first step is recognising that the devastating impact on African American economics and opportunity that the combination of slavery, Jim Crow and segregation has had is ongoing.

The idea is to plant the conceptual seed in people’s minds. Right now, there are way too many people — and not just old white fogeys — who think that some black kid in The West End had just the same opportunity as some white kid in The East End, but that they just didn’t take it, so it’s their fault. The fact is that this isn’t going to happen overnight. The vast majority over here have no understanding of how equality-based diversity makes all societies richer.

Right. Attenborough doesn’t drone on about life on some reef or rainforest being richly uniform, does he? No. He drones on about it being richly diverse. And if he says diversity makes life rich, it’s good enough for me. He is the greatest living Brit after all.

I did take pleasure in seeing McConnell dragged over the coals for his “We let you boys have Obama — what more could you want?” comments. It’s absurd to believe that reparation on a national level is possible, in any form, with him running the show. I mean, he’s happily been photographed in front of a Confederate flag, which in decent society is acceptable only if you’ve got a bottle of lighter fluid and a box of matches at the ready.

Yeah, sad thing about Ta-Nehisi Coates tearing McConnell a new arsehole is that Mitch doesn’t give a fuck. He knows he’ll be reelected here. He’s odds-on to remain Majority Leader and continue his power wankfest even if his missus, who appears to be every bit as bent as Cosby, gets the boot. Water off a duck’s back.

He needs a real challenge here. You know who I want to run against him?

Turtleman? Weak on policy but good on making turtle soup.

No, you pillock. The most famous Kentuckian in the world, independently wealthy, diehard Democrat, according to IMDB got nothing in his calendar next year and spent last weekend with the Obamas.

Gorgeous George? I’m in already.

He’d make 2020 even more exciting than Matt Jones, if you can believe it. Clooney’s career withstood “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes,”so he’s nothing if not resilient. And losing won’t do his job prospects any harm — in fact taking on McConnell will make him even more popular, regardless of the result. Plus he’s passionate about issues, and he’s married to someone with a brain. Come on, George, your state and your country need you! And dammit, in a two-horse race he might just be able to pull it off.

But his Doris is a Muslim, so that could be a problem in a state that thinks an ark bought from an Aussie creationist is proof of God’s omnipotence. Still, McConnell and his old lady are utterly corrupt, and it hasn’t done them any harm. There’s a bonus though: Clooney’s a candidate I wouldn’t feel compelled to donate to.

It’s interesting how your first thought is “Is this going to cost me?” You landed gentry are all the bloody same, entitled cheapskates through and through.

As Randal Graves so rightly said, I firmly believe in the philosophy of a ruling class, especially since I rule.

I know you try desperately hard to be funny but that’s genuinely hilarious. Until next time, Jeeves.