Bars are a lot like movie theaters, you know? Both offer opportunities to escape our hectic lives and, for a few hours, get lost in a storyline or conversation. With all the craziness in the world, I often escape to both, and so do you, because I sat next to you Friday night at the Mag Bar. Caught up on all the Batman hoopla and, seeing that we’re clearly in need of a superhero to save us, I started fantasizing about obtaining super powers and what (or who) I would do with those powers. I concocted a superhero named … wait for it … The Barfly.
My Barfly borrows a little somethin’-somethin’ from all the best superheroes, fictional characters and Jesus. First of all, I get to be invisible whenever I want so I can sneak behind the bar and pour my own drink. This will also enable me to crash a Grammy party or two and spy on the Kardashians. I can also fly so that my bar-hopping is not limited to Louisville and Southern Indiana. Captain’s Quarters is no substitute for Key West, no matter where you’re sitting or what angle the sun is going down.
Next, I will be skilled at glamouring like the vampires in “True Blood.” But instead of covering up bite marks (unless you’re into that sort of thing) or crime scenes, I’ll just glamour you to buy my friends and me a round. And maybe I’ll use it at the end of the night to make bartenders forget about my tab. I know, I know … with great power comes great responsibility … so I’ll do that sparingly, of course. Maybe just at Fourth Street Live or in Vegas. And because of my next power, I might not even have a tab. I’ll be able to turn water into Maker’s Mark and napkins into nachos. (And my nachos don’t have calories.) Of course you can sit at my table for the game!
Finally and perhaps most important, I’ll be able to lay my hands on you (and myself) to take away a hangover. If I can figure out how to do it telepathically, I’ll set up a hotline or Twitter account. No more aspirin, or Gatorade, or eggs, or water — just a little gropin’ by the Barfly is all you’ll need.
When someone goes to a bar alone, the city will flash an image of a martini glass in the midnight sky, and I’ll be there in a jiffy. I am the Barfly — nobody will drink alone.
Manilow is Gaga
I was honored to get to talk with the legendary Barry Manilow this week by phone. He’ll be in town Friday at the Palace, and I believe there are still tickets (louisvillepalace.com). Here’s an excerpt from our conversation — click here to read more.
Bar Belle: Who are you listening to now?
Barry Manilow: The one I’m keeping my eye on — like all of us are — is Gaga. I can’t believe she’s so mature and so talented and so gifted. Every time I see her perform or have an interview, they are brilliant. I think she’s a real talent. She’s the real deal.
BB: Do you ever get annoyed by requests to sing your hits?
BM: No, no. I’m very grateful that people are still there wanting to hear these songs. It’s not just the fans that began with me, it’s their kids, and their kids — it’s a big party.
BB: With the increasing use of anti-depressants, I think most people can really smile without you. Thoughts?
BM: (Laughs) What’s the question? You can smile without me? Well, I guess that’d be nice if it were true.
Drunk Texts of the Week
• Stevie knocks is the shir
• Hi! Miss you! Dang Im frunk
• Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
• Theres a stop-n-go on my backside
Send your drunk texts to [email protected]. My blog is at barbelle.leoweekly.com. Word.
