Well, it’s 2011 … or will be soon if I survive another New Year’s Eve. For many of you, that means it’s two-thousand eleven, or twenty eleven. Just another year on the Gregorian calendar. For me and the Mayans, that means we have one more year to live it up. Let’s not hold back. What if we get to 2012, and as you inhale that last toke, the world blows up, or everyone turns into zombies, or FOX News becomes a viable source of information? Say you have five minutes to reflect before smoke inhalation (of the legal kind?) takes your life. Are you going to wish you ate more Boca Burgers? Are you going to wish you went to the gym more? Those six-pack abs aren’t going to keep the zombies away any longer than my pony-keg stomach. Are you going to be happy you gave up two hours of your life to sit through “Twilight”?
I’m going to live this year in reckless abandon, and I hope you join me, or at least offer me a ride home every now and then. What if this is the last year? Or, what if it’s not? If it is, then you’re going to live your life to the fullest. No regrets. If it’s not, then, well, you’ll just be 20 pounds heavier and have a shot liver. Nothing two weeks on the Master Cleanse diet can’t fix. Here are some resolutions I’m going to try to follow during these next 365 days. It might be tough, but as Billy Ocean would say, When the goin’ gets tough, the tough get goin’ … or, on a good day, Get outta my dreams/Get into my car.
Resolution No. 1: Drink more local craft beer.
Resolution No. 2: Drink more beer.
Resolution No. 3: Never turn down a Jagerbomb.
Resolution No. 4: Always buy at least one round.
Resolution No. 5: Listen to more REO Speedwagon.
Resolution No. 6: Make friends with more bartenders.
Resolution No. 7: Get my face painted on more walls.
Resolution No. 8: Hang out more with my painted face at The Back Door.
Resolution No. 9: Return the keys to The Back Door but declare the Unstable Table a historic landmark.
Resolution No. 10: Be nicer to people.
Resolution No. 11: Be meaner to douchebags.
Resolution No. 12: Embrace the fact that I have no rhythm.
Resolution No. 13: Dance every chance I get.
Resolution No. 14: Respect Fleetwood Mac.
Resolution No. 15: Eat more Dundee Dip.
Resolution No. 16: Visit new bars.
Resolution No. 17: Finish the Urban Bourbon Trail.
Resolution No. 18: Stay out of chain restaurants/bars (with the exception of BW3’s during NFL season).
Resolution No. 19: Mind my chakra.
Resolution No. 20: Facebook less.
Resolution No. 21: Show my face more.
Resolution No. 22: Believe in unicorns.
Resolution No. 23: Write off Nicolas Cage and Sarah Palin forever.
Resolution No. 24: Hug more people.
Resolution No. 25: Touch my toes more.
Resolution No. 26: Bid Oprah a kind farewell.
Resolution No. 27: Write more poetry.
Resolution No. 28: Publish a book.
Resolution No. 29: Get a drink named after me.
Resolution No. 30: Appreciate Rod Stewart.
Resolution No. 31: Never turn down a night out with friends for “American Idol.”
Resolution No. 32: Write in cursive.
Resolution No. 33: Learn how to kill a zombie.
Resolution No. 34: Learn how to survive a nuclear attack.
Resolution No. 35: Forgive those who fail to use turn signals.
Resolution No. 36: Watch your friends’ backs, especially if they’re attractive.
Resolution No. 37: Try not to regurgitate when someone sings Hall & Oates’ “Sarah Smile” or Starship’s “Sara.”
Resolution No. 38: Go on more road trips.
Resolution No. 39: Write more fortunes.
Resolution No. 40: Put myself down less.
Resolution No. 41: Never listen to another Sugar Ray song again.
Resolution No. 42: Never deprive myself of something I want … unless it’s illegal or goes from zero to 60 in eight seconds.
Resolution No. 43: Never leave a bottle of wine unfinished.
Drunk Texts of the Week:
• 1 shot away frm kinky
• Im drunk, america, and you can too!
• Merry Christmas, biotch! May ur gays b able 2 marry
• u wanna go 2 my plce & practice ur ball handling?
• Found my new years weave!
Check out my daily reasons to drink at barbelle.leoweekly.com
