People speak in bumper sticker, and I fucking hate it! There is no way your brain is so easily summed up with a collection of slapped-on platitudes stating how simply rad and righteous you are, while negating the fact you’re a trash mammal living on stolen land… there’s no fucking way! And yet bumper sticker is spreading, growing and squeezing its slimy tentacles around the stumbling masses like some great anime demon of dialectic wrath released upon the planet to harvest and grind you up into a fine paste to be used as pipe-dope around the threads of a million dollar missile!

Point, counterpoint, from one dip-shit abomination the world would be better without to another. Thanks for the info, bro — it doesn’t pay to get my truck out of impound, or address the fact that the ocean is as fucked as a toilet at the Taco Bell, but cool… glad to see you winning(?) at Twitter… And like sinister clockwork, here comes the fuckin’ Derby, when you’re supposed to ramp up your bumper-sticker lingo in this state to really prove where you stand on the battleground, if you love the Derby and the bed-spring-racing hoopla surrounding it. Well, it’s obvious, then, that you hate horses, and you might as well have shot Eight Belles in the head yourself, you Croc-wearing bubba! And if you hate the Derby and the mighty, military spectacular that is Thunder Over Louisville, you probably play in a vegan-patty hardcore band made up of four white dads in their 40s, and you’ve spent the last couple of months trying to defend Morrissey’s racist ass, even though you swore a blood oath to confront racism wherever it reared its ugly head, but you can’t this time, cause, the Mozz. So, you too equally suck as much as your mouth breathing brethren stalking the infield up to his American flag Speedo in mud and shit, mixing Four Loko into his mint julep for an extra bump into total annihilation.

The Derby is so fucking weird ‘cause it’s the only event I can think of in which both PETA and religious zealots are more than happy to protest that shit together, as one! It truly is the Lena Dunham of the sporting world! Bringing opposing sides together in solidarity to bash in the head of the same monster! As for my sexy ass, well, ideologically speaking, I’m too fucking lazy to give much of a shit either way and plan on spending this Derby at the movies. I’m actually and actively excited for this first weekend in May for one reason and one reason only — to see the new Lynne Ramsay film “You Were Never Really Here,” starring Joaquin Phoenix as a man who kills elitist pedophiles with a ball-peen hammer. If I owned an orphanage, I’d take em all! Get ‘em hooked early on what’s good in life!