Wednesday, March 27
Cat Scratch Fever
Feeders Supply
315 Baxter Ave.
Free; 11 a.m.
Feeders Supply has run 14 regional stores for several decades, and now they’re investing in today’s hottest retail concept — a micro-record store. Cat Scratch Fever will focus exclusively on used and broken vinyl records found in Goodwill stores, and will take up 500 square feet of Feeders’ downtown location (in the section where customers were previously able to adopt pets needing a new home). You’ll find “everything you need for all the pets you feed” and enough vinyl copies of Donna Summer’s Bad Girls to make your wife question staying with you. Store founder Axl Henley, who also plays keyboards with local band Urine Trouble Now, said, “The only thing I love more than peddling dog food is losing money on a tiny record store. Why did I go to college?”
Thursday, March 28
Launch spitballs at Indiana
Big Four Bridge
Free; all day
Why did the Kentuckian cross the bridge? Well, certainly not to get to the other side, because it’s currently impossible to reach the shores of Indiana from the Big Four Bridge. That’s coming later this summer, officials say. So what do you do when you’ve come to the end and now have to travel back to the other side, dodging steaming piles of dog doo? Launch spitballs at Southern Indiana, of course. Yell insults and dick jokes about them not finishing the job. Give them the finger, if you like. When you start to feel better about yourself, turn around and head home.
Friday, March 29
Take your mama out
The Connection
120 S. Floyd St.
$5; 10 p.m.
Gonna take your mama out all night. Yeah, we’ll show her what it’s all about. We’ll get her jacked up on some cheap champagne. We’ll let the good times all roll out. And if the music ain’t good, well, it’s just too bad. We’re gonna sing along no matter what, because the dancers don’t mind at the New Orleans if you tip ’em and they make a cut. Do it! Take your mama out all night, so she’ll have no doubt that we’re doing oh the best we can. We’re gonna do it. Take your mama out all night. You can stay up late, ’cause baby, you’re a full-grown man. —Scissor Sisters
March 29-30
Watch a fight
T Eddie’s Bar & Grill
1154 Logan St.
Free; after midnight
Are you in the mood for watching two brutes wildly slug each other, yet tired of the glitzy professional display of talent on televised UFC or boxing? We suggest you head to T Eddie’s Bar & Grill in Germantown on a weekend night, where odds are you will witness at least one drunken amateur brawl pop up out of nowhere right next to your table. The participants will be random, the timing will be spontaneous, and the fighting styles will be crude and savage, so keep your head up to avoid getting caught in the crossfire of flying beer bottles. Unlike the elaborate ring entrances to canned pop music you see on TV, the soundtrack will be the sweet sounds of Germantown’s finest belting out the classics of David Allan Coe and Lynyrd Skynyrd on karaoke.
March 30-31 (tentative)
Flea Off Market
Corner of Market and Jefferson (weather permitting)
Free; 10 a.m.-6 p.m. (subject to change)
It’s time once again to celebrate Louisville’s eclectic entrepreneurs and community spirit at the (kinda, sorta) monthly Flea Off Market. There will be vintage finds, handmade wares, local food and craft brews aplenty at this awesome event, assuming it actually takes place as advertised. Reasons for potential cancellation, postponement or venue change include even the slightest risk of inclement weather, ranging from potential clouds and imperceptible drizzle to a mild wind blowing in ever so softly from the northwest (or if Venus is in retrograde). If by chance it is exceedingly sunny this weekend, the start time will be pushed back (details TBD) to minimize the risk of glare coming off any of the market’s shinier goods.
Monday, April 1
Raise your debt ceiling
Home
Cost: Life Savings
If you’ve ever longed for something you couldn’t afford — a BMW 5 Series, Prada sunglasses, that adorable but overpriced St. Matthews Cape Cod just off Seneca Park — stop dreaming and start doing. Take a cue from the U.S. government and raise your family’s debt ceiling. It turns out loans and credit cards are as easy to come by as herpes in a frat house, so what are you waiting for? As for the astronomical interest rates — just figure out a way to pay off your increased debt load without a rise in income, and you’ll be fine! What could possibly go wrong? Now go get you some material goods … it’s the American thing to do.
Tuesday, April 2
Tea Party rally
Downtown Marriott
280 W. Jefferson St.
Free(dom); 6 p.m.
Are you a civics-minded person who wants a better understanding of why today’s Republican Party has lurched to the far right and shows no sign of budging? Want to know why Sen. Mitch McConnell is suddenly abandoning his love of federal spending in Kentucky? Well, we suggest you attend next week’s Tea Party rally to see for yourself. These self-certified constitutional scholars will school you on why Barack Obama is the reincarnation of either Hitler or Stalin, and how all of your freedoms and liberties are soon to be gobbled up by his forthcoming totalitarian dystopia. As a plus, you can pick up some premium merchandise, such as the tasteful “Somewhere in Kenya, a Village is Missing its Idiot” bumper sticker. Such displays of patriotism will be either frightening or hilarious, depending on your tastes.
Ongoing
Kickstart your life
kickstarter.com
Free (for you)
Having trouble paying the mortgage? Credit card bill astronomical following an ill-advised shopping spree? Or maybe you need some extra cash for a night out you couldn’t otherwise afford? Then consider Kickstarting your life! Billed as “the world’s largest funding platform for creative projects,” Kickstarter has become the go-to for anyone with A) a need for cash, B) an idea for how to spend that cash, no matter how dumb, and C) the ability to relay their pitch in a way that sounds like a legitimate business proposition as opposed to flat-out begging. So instead of saying you need $2,000 to get a new transmission for your Jeep, request financial backing to help you realize the dream of traveling cross-country with your new girlfriend, a creative automotive adventure you will document through blurry, poorly cropped photos.
*This story is part of LEO's Fake Issue.
