Q: Ive been living with my boyfriend for a year. We met on FetLife and I was honest about being in an open relationship (at the time) and seeking a sexual connection over a relationship. But one nut after another and pretty soon we were professing our love for each other and he shared that he wanted to be the father of my children. However, right before he moved in I found out he was still texting other women despite asking me not to text, sext, or have sex with any other men. He also regularly yucks my yum and makes fun of the types of porn I watch and calls it gross (my thing for cuckolding being his main target) and he also tells insists men cant be friends with women yet hes still friends with women hes had sex with. He hides the fact he is masturbating from me but expects to participate in all my masturbation sessions. He claims we have no sexual secrets but I snooped and learned he was looking at porn with titles like TS, sissy, gay, and BBW Black. It makes me feel small because of the nagging feeling I may not be his cup of tea since he hides these other interests from me while not allowing me to hide nothing from him. I also worry that his affection for my black BBW ass may be no different than his objectification of trans women. He says he doesnt want to burden me with rapey sex play but I am open to sex of all kinds of sex, not just the softcore-porn-type kindso long as he doesnt start by rubbing my boobs like theyre doorknobs. I am at my wits end. I already e-mailed an LGBTQIA+ friendly couples counselor because we are both scared the relationship will end. But I cant keep turning a blind eye to his half-truths, double standards, and hypocrisy.
Feeling Extremely Tense
A: BREAK UP.
This guy sounds like equal parts asshole and mess. And he needs to work on thathe needs to clean up his messon his own. You cant do the work for him, FET, and I would urge you to resist the urge to use the relationship as leverage. Because by staying in this relationship despite his half-truths, his double standards, and his hypocrisiesby sticking around to be shamed and manipulatedyoure sending him a message that says, Its fine, youre fine, were fine. Perhaps I shouldnt say, Youre sending him a message, because this shit isnt your fault, FET. But he will self-servingly interpret your willingness to stay and work on the relationshipas if the relationship is the problem hereas proof that he doesnt need to do something about his own shit. He will assume he can continue to get away with being a controlling, manipulative, and sex-shaming asshole because hes getting away with it.
When your current boyfriend yucks your yum, when he says the porn you like is gross, hes projecting the shame he feels about all the non-normative (but perfectly wonderful) stuff that turns him on. When someone vomits their shame all over you, FET, getting yourself out of vomit-range is your best option. And for the record: I dont think your boyfriend is mess because hes interested in more kinds of sex than he admits or more types of women than just your type of woman or dudes or power games that touch on gender roles and/or taboos. And the fact that hes hiding his attraction to trans women from you isnt by itself proof that he objectifies trans women, FET, or that hes objectifying you. You dont know how he would interact (or how he has interacted) with a trans partner. What you do know is he treats you like shit and makes you feel bad about yourself and demands transparency from you without being transparent in return. DTMFA.
P.S. Please dont let his shitty comments about your turn-ons lead you to doubt your desirabilityjust the fact that youre into cuckolding makes you something of a prize, FET, as there are easily a hundred times as many men into cuckolding as there are women. It wouldnt take you long to replace a guy who shames you for being into cuckolding with a guy who absolutely worship you for it.
P.P.S. I dont think you had grounds to snoop, FET, or a need to snoop. You knew everything you needed to know about this guy before you found his secret undeleted browser history. Insisting you cut your male friends and exes out of your life was reason enough to end this relationship.
Q: Im an out 26-year-old gay man with a 30-year-old boyfriend who is not out. Thats fine. Everyone gets to come out at their own pace. We have been together three years and lived together for two. Which is also fine. I like living with him. But he jokingly calls me his faggy roommate and sometimes puts me down about being gay when we are around mutual friends so people wont think hes gay.
Just Over Keeping Everything Secret
A: NO.
Everyone gets to come out at their own pacesure, okay, I guess, whatever. But closeted adult gay men dont get to heap insults on their out gay sex partners in order to throw mutuals off the scent. (The scent of cock on their breath.) Unless you get off on this treatment and wrote in to brag (not a single question mark detected in your email), JOKES, you need to DTMFCCA. (Dump the motherfucking closet case already.)
Q: Im a fit and healthy 66-year-old woman. (Vegan 53 years and have never been sick a day in my life!) Ive been told I look 40ishso not too bad! I was married for twenty years and then sat on the bench without so much as one date for eighteen years because I was a hardworking single mom of three kids. So I meet a guy about six years ago. I was dating around a bit at the time and figured he was too. Well, I later found out he had me checked out and followed and even hacked my computer, where he found a couple of sexy emails to another guy. We were not exclusive at the time and years latersix years laterhe throws the details of one particular email I sent to another in my face every chance he gets. He has actually told me he was dating other women when we first met. Of course he was! No big deal at all but it irks me that he hired someone to follow my every move! (He even accused me of getting paid for sex and said he had proof! Totally false!) We have been engaged and I am holding back from marrying him. Otherwise he is good to me. Whats the deal here?
Engaged Dame Grows Edgy
A: RUN.
This is emotional abusehurling that none-of-his-business email in your face every chance he getsand its gonna get worse if you marry him. This kind of shit always gets worse after the wedding, e.g. it gets worse once getting away from someone like this requires lawyers and court dates. DTMFA. Theres a huge difference between the kind of lapse in judgement that might prompt someone to snoop and hiring a private investigator to track someones movements. Someone who would do thatsomeone who would essentially outsource stalking youisnt a person youre obligated to break up with face-to-face or sit down with to give them closure. Prioritize your safety, EDGE. A text message and a block are all the closure he needs and far more consideration than he deserves.
P.S. Veganism is healthy and an all-plant diet is good for the planet. And its wonderful that you havent been sick a day in your life! But were all going to dieits just that some of us are going to die with a slice of cheese pizza in our greasy hands.
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