Q: Youve said that everyone is entitled to a zone of erotic autonomy. I was wondering if you thought that zone extends to sending thousands of dollars to a FinDom. Im a 33-year-old straight woman and I love my husband and we have a great (or so I thought) sex life. Hes very dominant and controlling in bed and Im very submissive and I thought we were well-matched sexually. So it was a shock for more than one reason when I stumbled over evidence that hes been sending money to a female sex worker who calls herself a FinDom. This has been going on for nearly three years! It seems clear from their messages (I have read them all) that theyve never met in person (she clearly states that she never meets in person with her subs) but she sends him degrading personalized videos after he sends her money roughly once every other month. The amounts are small but they add up. We are more than comfortable so the issue isnt the money. And while my husband has never complained about what I spend on a personal trainer or my hair or body treatments (admittedly a lot), this is obviously different because hes masturbating over these videos. I dont really want to degrade him and I obviously couldnt dominate him financially as our finances are shared. My husband says he doesnt want to be degraded by me but he was nevertheless willing pay a complete stranger to heap insults on him?!? I dont understand. I thought we had a great sexual connection. I also thought I knew who he was erotically. Im confused and dont know what to do.
Feeling Insecure Necessarily, Doubts About Marriage Now
A: First things first: You actually have a great sex life (from the sound of things), your husband clearly loves you (if this if your only issue), and his dominance in the sack isnt an act, FINDAMN, its just that having control isnt the only thing that turns him on. Its just that every once in a while he wants to give up control. Maybe he shouldve come to you to get this need met and couldnt bring himself to askfor fear of rejection, for fear of spoiling your D/s dynamicor maybe he sensed you wouldnt enjoy degrading him and/or being degraded by you wouldnt work for him.
Backing up for a second: You say youre more than comfortable, FINDAMN, which is filthy rich person code for we have tons of money. So while Im opposed to one person in a marriage spending significant amounts of money without their spouses knowledge, Im going to climb out on a limb and guess that this isnt money you missed. No mortgage payments went unpaid, no vacations were cancelled, no kids were yanked out of private schools. Even if your husband sent this woman $9,999 dollars over the last three yearsthe highest figure that keeps us in the thousands rangethat works out to $278 dollars a month. Im guessing the actual amount spent was far less than that, FINDAMN, and in no way impacted your comforts. (But heres hoping Joe Bidens tax hikes on the wealthy do!)
As for the seeming contradictionyour husband dominates you and submits to this womanits not that hard to explain whats going on. While youve probably never been to a big gay leather/fetish event, FINDAMN, if should ever go you would meet dozens of men who have both Doms and subs. So the guy you saw being dragged around on a leash on the first night will be dragging someone else around on a leash the second night. Because very few people into power exchange are 100% dominant or 100% submissive; one guy can bring out a gay guys submissive side and another guy can bring out his dominant side. Similarly, you seem to bring out your husbands dominant sidemuch to your delightwhile this other woman brings out his submissive side. So it would seem your husband is a bit of a switch; in his case, FINDAMN, hes mostly dominant but also enjoys being submissive too. And being submissive to an online FinDom once in a while doesnt mean theres anything inauthentic about your husband when hes dominating you.
If you dont want to degrade your husbandif you or if he or if you both prefer your roles to be fixed (which is common among kinky switches)and your husband is willing to keep this connection 1. online only, 2. below an agreed to amount, and 3. to himself (if you dont want to hear about it) or shared (if you do), I think you should allow your husband to have outlet. Again, you can spare the money and your husband hasnt done anything stupidhe hasnt given this woman access to your savings accounts or written her into his will. Hes paying this woman for a little dominant time and attention every now and then. And while what your husband did (basically purchased some interactive porn) does feel cheating-adjacent I gotta ask have you ever hired a personal trainer just because he was hot? Have you ever chosen a hairdresser because you liked to look at him? Have you ever gone out of your way to get body treatments from a VGL male masseuse? And then thought about one of those guysor all three of themwhile you were masturbating or having sex with your husband? If you can identify any small zones of erotic autonomy that youve carved out for yourself, FINDAMN, allowing your husband to continue enjoying the small zone of erotic autonomy hes carved out for himself might come a little easier.
Q: Im a 27-year-old gay man whos having a hard time. Im in relationship with a spectacular guy. Hes a 25-year-old bisexual man. Hes smart, funny, extroverted, and has lots of friends and lots of ex-fuckbuddies. We are deeply in love and neither of us has ever felt that before. Its been five months and nothing could be betterexcept the fact that Im deadly insecure. Hes got tons of friends, hes extremely attractive, and sexually hes perfect. Hes a top who knows how to use his big dick and he has infinite endurance. Im the opposite of all that: I have a few friends, Im an average/ugly guy with an average/small dick, its not easy for me to get a solid erection, and it takes me just a couple of minutes to come. I keep comparing myself to him: hes perfect and he can fuck anyone and Im ugly and sexually inept compared to him. These feelings are killing me.
I Cant Be The Right One
A: Your boyfriend, who could apparently have anyone, has chosen you. So youre either far more appealingphysically, emotionally, sociallythan you give yourself credit for, ICBTRO, or your boyfriend gets off on the power imbalance. But if the latter were true, if he was manipulating you with his looks/dick, you would know. You would be painfully aware of it and you wouldve mentioned it in your letter if your boyfriend had leveraged his looks and/or his dick to get you to do things you didnt want to do or put up with things no one should put up with. (If he had said something to you like, Youll never leave me because you cant do better, you wouldve included that.) So Im guessing youre a lot more appealingphysically, emotionally, sociallythan youve allowed yourself to realize.
Instead of worrying about whether this relationship will last forever (and most dont), ICBTRO, try to enjoy the boyfriend youve got right now. Speak to a doctor about ED meds for your dick and speak to a shrink about your low self-esteembecause if anything is going to prematurely kill this relationship, its your insecurities. Your boyfriend may not want to be with you forever, ICBTRO, and you may not want to be with him forever. But if you want to be with him for as long as you can, youve gotta get a grip on your insecurities. He cant help you with those. And if you cant help yourself, ICBTRO, find a therapist who can help you.
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