Q: I could really use your advice. I recently found my boyfriend's HIV meds while I was house sitting for him and went into his cupboard for a multivitamin. We've been dating for a year and I had assumed he was negative. I'm negative myself and on PrEP and he is undetectable, so I know there is essentially zero risk of me getting infected, but we agreed to some degree of openness at the start of the relationshiphaving threesomes togetherand I recently found a guy we'd like to invite over. I'm trying to get over the feeling of betrayal from the fact that my boyfriend hid his status from me for so long but I'm fine with continuing the relationship knowing his status now. The thing is, he told me that only five people on earth know and his mother, who he talks to almost every day, isn't one of them. He says being poz has really fucked with his self-esteem and that he has had suicidal thoughts because of his status. Is it unreasonable for me to expect him to disclose his status to guys who join us in bed? What about asking him to share with a therapist or come out as poz to his mother? I really love him and just want him to be happy and healthy.
Wannabe Ethical And Supportive Slut
A: If youre worrying about HIV at the moment, WEASS, youre worrying about the wrong virus. Unless youre lucky enough to live in New Zealand, you and the boyfriend shouldnt be inviting men over for threesomes right now.
Assuming you do live in New Zealand
I dont think your boyfriend is morally obligated to disclose that hes HIV-positive to a casual sex partner, WEASS, but in some states he is legally obligated to disclose that fact. While rarely enforced, these HIV disclosure laws almost always have the opposite of their intended effect. Instead of creating a culture of testing and disclosure, these laws disincentivize getting testedbecause someone who doesnt know theyre HIV-positive cant get in trouble for failing to disclose.
These laws were passed decades ago, back when contracting HIV was perceivedmostly accuratelyas a death sentence. But they dont reflect what it means to have HIV today or to sleep with someone who has HIV today. Having even unprotected sex now with someone who is HIV-positive and has an undetectable viral load is less risky than having protected sex with someone who hasnt been tested. Condom or no condom, the HIV-positive guy with an undetectable viral loadundetectable thanks to meds like the ones your boyfriend is takingcant infect someone with HIV. Undetectable = untransmissible. But a guy who assumes hes HIV-negative because he was the last time he got tested or because hes never been tested? That guy could be HIV-positive and could infect someone with HIVeven if he does use a condom, which could leak or break. (There are lots of other STIs out there we should be using condoms to protect ourselves from, including a nasty strain of anti-biotic-resistant gonorrhea, but were just talking HIV here.)
In answer to your question, WEASS, I think it would unreasonable for you to force your boyfriend to disclose his HIV status the person you want to invite over for a threesomebut, again, HIV disclosure laws might require your boyfriend to disclose.
Now if the presumably sexually-active, sexually-adventurous gay man youre thinking about having over to your place in Christchurch isnt an idiot, WEASS, hell know your boyfriendthe guy with the undetectable viral loadpresents no threat to him, at least where HIV is concerned. And while you absolutely shouldnt out your boyfriend, WEASS, you could raise the general subject of sexual safety and see how this guy reacts. If he seems reasonableparticularly if he mentions being on PrEP toohes probably not gonna freak out about your boyfriend being HIV-positive for the exact same reason you didnt: theres zero chance your boyfriend could infect him with HIV. (Were both assuming this guy isnt HIV-positive himself, WEASS, which he might be.) If he seems reasonable you should encourage your boyfriend to disclose to him. Being told its no big deal from someone your boyfriend wants to fuck before he fucks him could help your boyfriend feel less insecure about his HIV status.
Finally, you cant order your boyfriend to come out to his mom about being HIV-positive, WEASS, but you might inspire him to. He obviously worries people will judge him or shame for being HIV-positive; thats one of the reasons he hid it from youand, yes, he should have disclosed his HIV status to you sooner. He obviously underestimated you: you didnt reject him when you stumbled over his meds after tearing apart the cupboards in his absence while you were searching forwhat was it again? Oh, right: a multivitamin. (Sure.) Anyway, WEASS, tell your boyfriend hes most likely underestimating his mother in the same way he underestimated youthen let him make his own decisions about who to tell and when.
Q: Im a submissive straight guy who finallyFINALLYmet a woman who is open to my main kinks: bondage and cuckolding. Im into handcuffs and leg irons, so the bondage part was easy (she didnt have to learn to do shibari), but the cuckolding part is a lot trickier to realize during a pandemic. She ended a longstanding FWB arrangement with a coworker when we began to get serious a year ago. Her former FWB is a safe choice, emotionally-speaking, since there was no romantic interest on either side, and hes safe where COVID-19 is concerned, since they are in a pod at work. (And theyll both be vaccinated soon!) She keeps saying hes the perfect bull but hes not right for mewhich is a weird thing for me to say, since Im not the one wholl be sleeping with him. I dont want to sound conceited, but Im much better looking than he is and Im also better hung. My cuckold fantasies revolve around my girlfriend fucking a guy whos hotter than me and better hung than I am. I worked with a therapist for a long timenot to cure me of my kinks, but to better understand them. And what I came to is this: its both deeply threatening (in an erotic way) for my girlfriend to fuck someone whos better than me and deeply reassuring (in an emotional way) when she chooses to be with me when she could be with a better man.
Better Example Than This Erotic Rival
A: Something about this guy works for your girlfriendtheres a reason she keeps bringing him upand if you want to have a future with this woman and you want cuckolding to be a part of that future, BETTER, then going with someone shes comfortable with the first time/few times she cucks you is a really good idea. And while he may not be better looking than you or have a bigger dick, BETTER, hes gotta be better than you are in some other objective sensebetter educated, makes better money, better at eating pussy, etc. Surely theres something about him your girlfriend can throw in your face that tweaks your insecurities (when she heads off to fuck him) and meets your need for reassurance (when she comes back to you). And how do you know your dick is bigger than his? Because your girlfriend told you it was. You might want to ask her if she lied about his dick being smaller than yours, BETTER, because thats definitely the kind of lie women tell new boyfriends about their exes and old FWBs. Given a chance to walk that back, BETTER, your girlfriend very well mightand it might even be true.
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