Hey, Everybody: We had our first Savage Love Livestream event last Thursday night, and I had such a blast! A huge crowd of Savage Love readers and Savage Lovecast listeners got together on Zoom for a live online Q&A that raised more than $14,000 for Northwest Harvest, an organization that supports food banks in my home state. I got more questions than I could answer in our allotted time and so Im going to answer as many as I can squeeze into this weeks column. Here we go
Q: Is it a red flag or sign of deeper attachment or commitment issues if your long-term partner never tells you he loves you?
Ive heard people describe relationships that were three months old as LTRs. Assuming youre not one of those people assuming youve been with this guy for more than a year and youve already said I love you to him and he hasnt said it back, well, thats a bad sign. But I wouldnt describe it as a red flag. Early warning signs for physical or emotional abuse are red flags; not hearing I love you from someone youd like to hear that from does suck, I know (because Ive been there), but its not a sign that youre in danger, girl. Its also not proof your partner has attachment or commitment issues; he just might not be interested in attaching or committing to you. But whatever the case might be, if youre unhappy being with someone who cant bring himself to say I love you then you shouldnt be with that person.
Q: Is there a safe way to date/be slutty now? Will there ever be again? Im poly but live alone, so I havent had sex in 12 weeks. HELP!
While health officials in most places are urging all to only have sex with people we live with mom and dad excepted over in the Netherlands health officials are advising single and horny Dutch people to find sex buddies. One sex buddy per person, someone you can meet up with for sex, ideally someone who isnt interacting with too many other people. If you can find someone you trust and if you are someone who can be trusted you could go Dutch.
Q: My fiancé has an ex-girlfriend who just cant let it go. Hes blocked her on social media, but his mother still follows his ex and is friends with her, and they interact at least monthly. Likes, comments, etc. Can I address the issue with his mom or is that just somewhere you dont go?
Why are you monitoring your fiancés ex-girlfriends social media? I mean, if you werent lurking on her Instagram, you wouldnt know your future MIL is liking and commenting on her photos. You fiancés mom is an adult, and she can follow anyone she likes on Instagram. And if you dont want her to think youre the toxic one, you wont address this with her. Be the change you wanna see in your fiancés ex: let it go.
Q: Ive always wanted to know more about your history with circumcision.
My history with circumcision isnt that interesting: I was present at one circumcision (my own), Ive never performed a circumcision (that I recall), and Ive encountered both circumcised and uncircumcised dicks in the wild (enjoyed them all).
Q: My wife and I are lesbians who just found out were having a baby boy! Were super excited but had some penis questions. My wife wants to circumcise our son because she says that if hes uncircumcised, hell get made fun of in the locker room. Does this happen? How often do boys look at each others dicks growing up?
The circumcision rate among newborn boys has been falling for decades, and now only a little more than half of boys are circumcised at birth. So, even if boys were comparing their dicks in locker rooms and theyre not your son wont be alone. And for the record: the American Academy of Pediatrics doesnt recommend the procedure and the supposed health benefits a lower risk for urinary tract infections and a lower risk for some sexually transmitted infections arent a convincing argument in favor of the routine circumcision of male infants. And while the complication rate is low (1.5%), those complications can range from easily treatable infections to amputation of the glans, necrosis of the penis, and death. Risking your sons life and most important limb to spare him a moments awkwardness in a locker room seems unreasonable to me particularly since your son cant consent.
Q: My partner wants me (F) to peg him! Hooray! Any advice? He is very hot! Thanks! You rock!
He should douche! Plenty of lube! Take it slow! Film it for HUMP!
Q: Im a bisexual male in California. When is the right time to tell someone I just started dating that Im bisexual? And how?
Mention your bisexuality on dating apps which is where most couples meet these days and you wont have to tell someone youre bisexual after youve started dating them. If you meet someone the old fashioned way (school, work, through friends), tell em right away. Its nothing you should be ashamed of or have to roll out carefully. And being with someone cant embrace and celebrate your sexuality is bad for your mental health; the more out you are about being bi, the lower your odds of winding up with someone who has a problem with it. It ups your odds of winding up with someone who fetishizes your bisexuality, of course, but if you had to choose between a partner who disapproves (and polices) and a partner who drools (and wants to watch), youre gonna way better off with the droolers.
Q: Cis poly woman here. My quarantine sexpod contains me and my two male partners. Well call them A and B. My partner B has another female partner who well call C. Since were already connected anyway, would it change anything for me to have a threesome with B and C?
If B is fucking C and then coming home and fucking you and then youre running down the hall to A, then C is essentially already in your sexpod. The bigger your sexpod, the more people youre in contact with, the greater your risk of contracting and/or spreading COVID-19. Ideally C would move in with you and A and B if youre all going to be fucking each other. But not having a threesome with B and C while B is out there fucking C wont protect you and A from whatever B might bring home from C.
Q: Gay, black male from NYC here. Two months ago I lost my partner of 17 years to COVID19. I have a pretty strong support system but its really hitting me really hard right now because my partner was very politically active and supportive of the struggles of black and brown people. Ive been in therapy but any suggestions or resources for how to deal with such a loss in the midst of all this chaos?
Im so sorry for your loss and I apologize for not spotting your question during the show. Im glad you have a strong support system and that youre working with a therapist. If you need more support, your therapist should be able to refer you to an online grief support group. And Ill just add grief isnt something we deal with and then were done. Its something we carry with us. And in my experience time doesnt lighten the load. Still, the longer we walk with it, the stronger we get, and the lighter it feels. My heart goes out to you.
Q: Longtime listener and magnum subscriber! We will keep this short: We are in a happy monogamish marriage and have heard one is not supposed to share toys under any circumstances. What are your thoughts on this?
One shouldnt share a toy one hasnt cleaned and one should make sure ones toys arent made of porous materials that are hard or impossible to clean. But if one has, say, a silicone toy that can be run through a dishwasher, well, one can share that toy. A fluid-bonded couple can safely share toys during sex, of course, so long as toys arent going from assholes to vaginas between cleanings. You also shouldnt put a dildo in your spouse and then turn stick it in your very special guest star. But if you obey those simple rules clean toys, no ass-to-vag, no used toys in thirds or toys used by thirds in primaries its safe to share your toys.
OK, thank you again to everyone who bought a ticket to the Savage Love Livestream! All proceeds every single cent raised went to Northwest Harvest. If anyone reading this in a donating mood right now, you can donate to Northwest Harvest directly at northwestharvest.org/donate.
[email protected] Follow Dan on Twitter @FakeDanSavage www.savagelovecast.com