Ask Minda Honey: How Can I Be a Better Me After a Break Up?

In a relationship or life jam? Send your questions to: AskMindaHoney@leoweekly.com or reach me on Facebook.com/AskMindaHoney

MINDA!
I just got dumped! Do you have any good book/audiobook suggestions to help me move on and be the best version of myself?
—Dumped-but-Motivated

Hi there!

I have so many good suggestions to get you back to feeling like yourself again. Not feeling like you anymore is a major part of what hurts about being dumped. Being dumped shakes our understanding of who we are and how others see us. It makes you ask a lot of questions about your value, and, just on a logistical and practical level, you need to restructure your entire life around the gaping hole your ex left behind. Suddenly, the texts throughout the day are gone. You no longer need to be conscious of defaulting a large percentage of your free time to that person. There’s a bunch of info about someone else’s preferences that are no longer relevant to your life.

What does your life look like, and who are you now? Generally, our life and its goings-on will rush in like water to fill in the empty spaces, and we’re basically brought back to who we are at our core because that doesn’t tend to change. So, getting over heartache is a lot about getting back to you. That being said, before I give you my recommendations, I have a few suggestions for things you shouldn’t do, as well. Don’t force yourself to get over someone by getting under someone new. This is all good and well if you’re feeling the vibe. Otherwise, you’ll just feel 5,000 times shittier and potentially break someone else’s heart in the process. Don’t do a ton of social media spiraling. I saw someone on Twitter call this “emotional cutting.” And I advise against getting shitty drunk in a bid to prove to everyone how little you care and how fun you are. That’s a bad idea…

OK, so finally, my recs for moving on and being the best you that you can be.

Books:

“Attached.” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. I listened to this on audiobook. It helped me understand why some people make bad partners and how that doesn’t really have a lot to do with me. Don’t take it personally. Just move on. This book will also help you discover your attachment style.

“It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single” by Sara Eckel Eckel lays it all out. Love happens on its own timeline. And often, you don’t have any control over the randomness of it. This book comforted me in my early 30s. All you can do is live your best life and be the best person you can be and hope someone comes along that can appreciate that.

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Podcasts:

“Ghost of a Podcast” by Jessica Lanyadoo. This is actually an astrology podcast, but she gets a lot of relationship advice questions, so it’s a worthwhile listen. It can also be helpful in reminding you that you’re not the only one going through what you’re going through. So many people are facing the same struggles.

“Where Should We Begin?” by Esther Perel. This podcast allows you to sit in on an anonymous couples’ counseling session. Perel is an expert in her field. Her advice can often be applied to your own situation, even if yours is nothing like the couple’s in question. I feel like my emotional intelligence explodes every time I listen to a few episodes of her podcast.

“Big Magic” by Elizabeth Gilbert. This is all about getting unstuck creatively. When you’re serving your most creative self, you really don’t have time for any nonsense in your life.

Distractions:

A Catch-Up Tour. Go on a catch-up tour of all your friends you were probably neglecting while caught in all your relationship drama. And don’t just spend the time lamenting about your ex. Actually get up to speed on what’s happening in their lives.

Get a Goal and Accomplish It. Anytime I’ve been in a tough place in life, setting a goal and methodically going about achieving it has always helped me get by. Getting consumed by something beneficial is a way better way to spend your time than frittering it away on hurt feelings.

—Minda

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