Wanker Brits Lob Last Bombs In Final Column

So, the end of two eras. As we said last time, if Bevin obliges us and maintains our perfect losing record on political predictions, our work here is done.

Our record against reality is worse than his against Beshear, so we should both bow out. The end of the Bevin era, and the end of the ‘Two Brits in the Lou’ era. In posterity, I know which’ll be viewed as the more influential.

Yes. Bevin will assuredly fade into obscurity.

Our legacy and legend will grow. a bit like MC5 was to punk, so we are to swearing at politicians in Louisville’s print media, such as it is. Except we’re leaving on our own terms, whilst Bevin trades whatever trace amount of dignity he has left in the wretched hope that somehow the election will get overturned in his favour.

Right, because without it he’s nothing. No jobs in Agent Orange’s Shite House for losers. Even Holy Sam Brownback got some minor, religion D.C. gig after bankrupting Kansas, but he only got that because he won a second term.

Bevin’s going to get sweet FA out of this, so he’ll probably become increasingly desperate as he throws whatever accusations against Beshear hopeful that something’ll stick. But it won’t, because Beshear is boringly clean — or at least does a passable impersonation of someone who is — and Frankfort isn’t going to bail Bevin out. Proves the value of not being a total bellend to virtually everyone you come across in life. Frankfort might be willing to go to the crease for him if he had any friends there, but Stivers is his only mate and only by virtue of giving his missus a hundred grand a year in taxpayer money. Why was more never made of that, by the by?

In jobs-for-the-boys terms it barely made the radar, I suppose. But in fairness you haven’t done too badly from being a cock to most people. You and me both, which is why we started writing this tripe in the first place. The pitch was literally “We’ll be rude to everyone and say wanker a lot.” Perhaps the difference is that unlike Bevin we actually followed through on our promises.

And Stumbo got a right pasting, too. He’ll go back to being a partner at a midsize law firm if he wants to, and life will be far from awful. Pity, but at least Cameron will get the opportunity to prove his chops as a lawyer, and maybe he’ll be up to it. I predict a more cordial relationship between the guv’nor and the AG’s office on account of Beshear being generally law-abiding, a proven lawyer and not a prick.

Any other standout winners from last week?

Weirdly, I’d say McConnell and McGrath, both of them. McConnell because he’s now pretty sure that Trump can’t drag him down. And McGrath because in fundraising terms, last week was manna from heaven, especially for an opportunist like her. She’ll rake in the dosh, but if she’s the nominee, Mitch’ll be rubbing his hands in glee thanks to the down-ticket Democratic slaughter.

Rocky Adkins and Matt Jones probably are taking a look at the non-Bevin vote and having second thoughts, I’d think. That said, I’d still like both of them to jump into the primary. They’re both stronger candidates than “Verb-Noun-Combat Flights” McGrath.

I’m pretty sure she could kick the bollocks out of you, so don’t get too lippy, Chippy. But sure. Do you have any other highlights from almost-four years of writing this patronising fortnightly ode to living in this city?

Has it really only been four years of this agony? To think, we must’ve made at least 100 nicker out of it. My personal highlight has been calling Mitch a cunt on multiple occasions in print. I’ll go to my grave satisfied with that. Groundbreaking journalism.

I notice you kept on putting that word in the italics part, you gutless nonce. Meanwhile you trashed Stephen Reily on multiple occasions for no good reason. That has to be up there.

I’m looking forward to him reigniting his political career by campaigning for Bloomberg on behalf of trust-funders everywhere. Fischer actually complained to me in person that we’re too harsh on him… and much as I think he’s a decent mayor and, importantly, a decent person, I still think he could have been so much more. I suppose incremental progress is still progress, and even if The West End isn’t going to end up transformed on his watch, he can point to a lot and be proud about it.

You’ve always got to consider what the alternative would have been. I’ll take Fischer every time. The Trump era outlasts us, just like the Creation Museum. Every silver lining has a cloud.

Perhaps it’s time for one final political prediction: Ignore the polls. Whoever the Democrats nominate, and given how politically incurious people are here, Trump will be incredibly difficult to get out of office next year, unless he’s convicted in the Senate, which is as likely as you going in the first round of next year’s NBA draft.

Ah, I’ll miss your tired rehashing of the same rubbish joke once a month. Classic Dewson.

I never tire of pointing out your shortcomings. But the GOP is compromised and corrupt at every level. There are no good public GOPers, haven’t been for a generation. They love Russia because it turned out that once the commies left town, what was left was every bit as nasty, racist and homophobic as they are. They’re all mobsters, and there’s no chance they’ll give the mobster in chief the boot. Zero.

You’re right you know: This isn’t as funny as it used to be. What are you going to do without this column to virtue signal from twice a month? Don’t think I’m coming over to your gaff for supper either; it was bad enough when you had this outlet; your pontificating will reach excruciating new heights without it.

As a true champagne socialist, I might start playing golf again. Just when all of the courses I can afford to play get shut down. But we’d better sign off. We’ve run out of space.

And like the true hack you are, you leave with a whimper not a bang. Leave it to me then: As the great Vinnie Jones, footballer, actor, raconteur once said, “It’s been emotional.” Adios, amigos.