In a relationship or life jam? Send your questions to: [email protected] or reach me on Facebook.com/AskMindaHoney
Hi Minda!
I’m so excited to ask you relationship advice. OK, here’s the deal. I had been hanging out with a guy for about three months. I thought we hit it off pretty well. We share a love for music and the arts and spent a lot of time in those spaces together. We never had sex and were only intimate twice. I accidentally put a hickey on his face, and soon after that he got busy, and we stopped hanging out. I’m not sure the hickey was a thing but perhaps (shrugs shoulders). He eventually told me that he didn’t want intimacy with me, that he didn’t want to be thinking about someone, and he doesn’t want anyone thinking about him. I wish I could have told him that he should have thought about that before he asked me out and massaged my hand while we listened to his friends’ band! He made quite an impression on me and then seemingly ghosted me. We follow each other on IG. We used to share music and other things via that platform, but he’s stopped engaging me. Except, he views every story I put on IG! To the point, where I look forward to seeing that he’s witnessed my latest meal, or that he has some idea of the fun my girls and I had over the weekend. It’s very annoying. I miss him and don’t know really why we don’t hang out anymore. I find it unfair and it’s starting to bother me that I don’t have access to him like I want but he sees my IG stories. I think it’s petty to ask him about it or to block him from my stories, but that’s where I am with it. I definitely won’t ask — maybe it’s an ego thing. Should I just block him?
Missing my playmate and wanting some boundaries...
Well...
Before I could respond to this reader, she sent me a follow up, “FYI — I blocked him.” But I still wanted to address her question. Because the only thing worse than That Someone watching all your videos, is them not watching any of your videos. When someone you have unresolved emotions around continues to watch your IG stories, you — and by you, let’s be real, I mean Me — begin to check to make sure they watched and get a certain thrill from it or even begin to post content with them in mind. You ascribe all sorts of things to this behavior, like maybe they still miss you or are jealous of your life proceeding without them, when really you’re prolly just in their IG Story queue, and they’re just watching a string of them without realizing yours are coming up next (Also, Me if you’re some dude wondering why I keep watching your stories but don’t respond to your texts… My bad!).
Anyways, my point is that you’re letting someone who supposedly wants less of you take up a ton of space in your head. The best thing to do is block them like this reader did. If you’re not ready for the block button, there are options in IG to hide your stories from an individual, and you can also use the “Close Friends” feature for a while until you stop caring if they’re watching or not or they just get bored and stop watching on their own.
Minda,
My girlfriend broke up with me over two months ago. We had been talking about marriage and having a kid together... all of it. I know she still loves me, and I know that she’s my person — as hard as that is to know after it has ended. I don’t think I can ask her to get back together with me, but I do want her in my life still. I talked to her about everything. Is this possible? I’ve sent her two emails and she hasn’t responded or acknowledged either of them.
— Lost
Hey Lost,
I’m so sorry, love, I know this hurts and will be hard to hear, but she can love you and feel like she needs to keep her distance. She’s aware you’re interested in having her in your life and that you still love her. She will contact you when she’s ready to engage again. But there’s a chance she won’t ever be ready, and you’re going to have to make peace with that. Please trust that she’s doing what she needs to do to take care of herself right now and you should focus on doing the same, otherwise this wound can’t even begin to heal.
—Minda •
