Ask Minda Honey: Should I Have a Threesome with My Friend and her New Girlfriend?

Dear Minda,

I have a good friend and her girlfriend who have recently expressed that they want to have a threesome. I have always, always, always wanted to have a threesome, so it’s kind of a dream to me. They’re both gorgeous and very funny, and I think it would be fun. But: I think my friend might have a genuine crush on me, and also, they’ve only been dating a few months. I also only have so many close friends, so I’d be heartbroken if things went awry and I got pushed out of the friend group. I should probably not… Right?

—3rd Wheelin’

Hey there 3rd Wheelin’,

Lemme answer your question with a question: What would Rihanna do?

To be clear, you are the Rihanna in this arrangement. Is it absurd that a gorgeous, brilliant couple wants to bed their hot, free-spirited pal Rihanna? Of course not. Could someone, anyone who is friends with Rihanna, possibly not have a genuine crush on her? No, no that is definitely not an option. All friends of Rihanna clearly have a crush on her. Can anyone be bitter their partner is vibing with Rih-Rih? Nah, that’s just a part of life when Rihanna is the center of your social group. You just have to cope. And Rihanna, when given the opportunity to do a thing she’s always wanted to do with people she definitely wants to do, would say yes. She would fall right into that bed of abundant joy and life. So, why are you hesitating?

Is it because the laws of threesomes we’re supposed to abide by are generally written for the benefit of the couple, and a major rule is that the third should be someone you don’t know and won’t ever see again? But why does that have to be the default? Those rules were written for straight, monogamous couples so they could get edgy without jeopardizing the traditional nature of their relationship. But something tells me your friends don’t share in those priorities. So, what are their priorities? What are the parameters of their relationship? Knowing this info might make you feel more comfortable. There might not be as much risk of this threesome harming their relationship or your friendships as you think there is.

And hey, maybe the fact your friend has a crush on you isn’t an issue. Maybe they have an open relationship. Maybe they’re looking for a steady third to add their partnership. Maybe your friend’s partner just isn’t the possessive type. I think it’s sweet that you’re trying to do so much work on your own to protect their relationship, but it might be the kind of work that no one asked for and isn’t really benefiting anyone.

Any degree of intimacy is risky. Something could happen tomorrow between you and your friend that is completely unrelated to hooking up, and y’all could be on the outs. So, why deny yourself — why deny yourselves of this? Your energy in this letter is really leaning more toward wanting to do it than not but feeling like you “know better.” So, this will basically be one of those situations where y’all “unintentionally” get a lil’ tipsy and well… It just kind of happened. Lol. Why play those games? Y’all are grown.

This is not advice I would give to everyone or in every context. But safe sex is just as much about being emotionally and mentally cautious as it is physically cautious. There’s an emotional maturity here that makes me feel confident you all can navigate this situation without damaging any of the relationships and friendships at play.

Ultimately, I think the fact you care so much about them, and they care so much about you, can’t be a bad thing. It means you all will be exploring in a loving, respectful environment. If you’re still feeling nervous, remember you don’t have to rush right in (even if Rih would). You can always build up to the act. Maybe you all start with a Netflix night with some heavy cuddling. Or go on a date together. Get sweaty on a dance floor. Spend some time massaging each other. Check in and see how folks feel after each of these activities. If anyone feels weird, uncomfortable or jealous, you can decide not to move forward and find a different way to fulfill your dreams of a threesome. If you do decide that it’s on, you can also have a conversation beforehand about what everyone is cool with happening and what boundaries need to be respected in the bedroom. Like I say almost every week, basically anything is possible with enough communication.

—Minda