Q: Im a straight woman and have been sexually active for about six years. Im in my mid-20s now and about ready to become a man-hating feminist. I feel like I can figure out what a guy wants in bed pretty easily. I cannot remember a single time when Ive had sex with a guy that he has not had an orgasm. I, on the other hand, have never had an orgasm. Quite the opposite! Ive barely even been aroused lately when I am having sex because its easy to tell when the guy Im with just wants to come and that is the only thing on his mind. This makes me want to just get it over with. Ive become really angry with the male population and their lack of care for pleasing a woman. Will it take a Womens Pleasure Revolution for men to realize that their female counterparts have needs, too? Granted, Ive had sex with only five guysbut in my mind, Dan, thats five too many. I also have girlfriends in the same boat. Men skip foreplay, they dont return the favor when it comes to oral, and theyre so eager to get their penises in my vagina, they barely touch me before doing so! THIS MAKES ME FEEL USED. Im a giving woman by nature, but I feel like men just take. I dont hate men. I actually really like men. In fact, I was madly in love with one of the five.
Really Enraged/Vexed Over Lazy Turds
A: Lots of foreplay, mutual oral, enough touch to get me going or, better yet, get me off at least onceall of these things have to happen before we fuck. Practice saying that in a mirror, REVOLT, and then say it out loud to the next guy you sleep with. Say it and mean it. And if those things dont happenif he skips the foreplay or wont go down on you or refuses to touch you with anything other than his dickthen he doesnt get to fuck you. Get up, get dressed, and go. The sooner you walk out on guys who dont want to do those things, the sooner youll find yourself in bed with guys who do. So no more having sex to get it over with (GIOW), no more sticking around for shitty GIOW sex that leaves you feeling used.
Some guys will be happy to see you go. Given a choice between a woman they cant treat like a crusty tube sock and an actual crusty tube sock, a statistically significant percentage of straight guys will choose the crusty tube sock. Dont waste your precious time or pussy on guys like that. And dont waste a moment of your time or any of your pussy on guys who will engage in a little half-assed foreplay or go down on you for 30 seconds before they try to stick their dicks in you. Only fuck the guys who enjoy foreplay and are excited to eat your pussy before fucking youor instead of fucking you.
The revolution you want isnt going to come because some homo ordered straight boys everywhere to start engaging in foreplay and eating pussy. The revolution is only going to comeyoure only going to comeif you and your friends and all women everywhere stop settling for GIOW sex. Now, some women have GIOW sex because theyre afraid a guy might react violently if they withdraw consent. They fear male violence, and thats a sadly reasonable fear. But too many women have GIOW sex to avoid disappointing male partners who have already disappointed them; too many women slap on a smile and fake an orgasm to spare the feelings of dudes who dont give a shit about their feelings or their pleasure.
You say you were in love with one of the five guys you had sex with, REVOLT, which I hope means you didnt fear him and could talk to him. Yet every single time you had sex, you allowed this guy to essentially masturbate inside you. You didnt stick up for yourself, you didnt advocate for your own pleasure, you didnt say, Heres what you need to do to please me. Take a little personal responsibility here: You let Mr. One-In-Five get away with it. He let you downhe should have been more proactive about pleasing youbut you also let yourself down. No more. Insist on more and better from here on out, REVOLT, and you will get more and better.
P.S. If what you meant by I have never had an orgasm is that youve never had an orgasm at all, ever, alone or with a partner, then you need to start masturbating right now. Youll enjoy partnered sex more if you know what it takes to make you come and you can show your partners exactly what that looks like. And whether youre already masturbating or not, please get your hands on a copy of The Vagina Bible, Jen Gunters new book on everything vaginal, vulval, and clitoral.
Q: Im a straight woman in my mid-30s. For most of my adult life, Ive gotten off on fantasizing about my boyfriends fucking other women. So far its been fantasy-only, but Im intrigued by the prospect of a real cuckquean scenario. However, Ive always been reluctant to share my kink. Its not that I fear rejection or judgment. I think most guys would be into it, including the lovely man Im currently in a committed relationship with. Rather, its my own discomfort with a kink that I fear stems from an unhealthy emotional place. Insecurity, avoiding intimacy, and difficulty trusting men are all issues Ive struggled with, and the cuckquean kink plays right into all of that. Ive worked with therapists over the years and gotten into a somewhat solid place emotionally. Alas, my kink remains, and has gotten stronger to the point where Im imagining my guy fucking someone else about 99 percent of the time in order to come. I wish I could get more enjoyment from normal sex. Ive read your column long enough to know that I should probably just embrace my kink and enjoy it. But while Im trying my damnedest to be sex-positive, I cant get around the nagging feeling that theres something unhealthy about this fantasy. If my kink is based on specific insecurities/fears, do they get even more hardwired into my brain with every orgasm?
This Reluctant Cuckquean
A: Two quick questions: (1) How much more hardwired could something possibly become if you already have to think about it 99 percent of the time in order to climax? (2) What if imagining your guy fucking other women is normal sex for you?
A lot of peoples kinks are essentially eroticized fears: the fear of being humiliated, the fear of being exposed, the fear of being cheated on, etc. Not everyone eroticizes these fears, of course, but so many of us do that it really should be covered in sex-ed courses. In your case, TRC, your erotic imagination took something that scares youbeing cheated onand turned it into something that arouses you. The difference between your worst fear and your ultimate turn-on is control. If your man fucks another woman, it will happen because you wanted it to (you gave him permission) and there will be something in it for you (it will get you off). Which is not to say you ever have to act on this. You dont. Plenty of straight men are turned on by the fantasy of their wives being with other men but know they couldnt handle the reality of it, so they enjoy it as a fantasy only. But they dontor the healthy ones dont deny themselves the fantasy, whether its just playing it out in their heads or their monogamous partners indulging them with a little cheating-centered dirty talk during sex.
We cant will kinks away, TRC, we can only embrace and accept them. Again, that doesnt mean we have to act on themsome fantasies can never be realized for moral reasonsbut to beat ourselves up about our kinks is a waste of time.
On the Lovecast, rival advice columnist E. Jean Carroll: savagelovecast.com.
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