Rolls Royce Immigrants… African American AG?

It’s been a quiet week or two for us immigrants. Not much going on. Not much to bless with our sage commentary.

Yeah, I can’t think of anything remotely noteworthy for us immigrants.

England won the cricket World Cup for the first time ever, which is impressive since we only invented the sport in approximately the year 1750. It’s been a long wait, but tough to drum up interest about that in Kentucky.

It’s tough to drum up interest with me too. It’s a posh sport for the upper classes — the precise opposite of its equal in tedium, baseball.

It keeps plebs like you at arm’s length. I’ve played it a bit here down on River Road and in Goshen, and you know it’s the only time I’ve ever been subjected to the drive-by “Go home, this is America!” cobblers so beloved of so many Midwesterners. For a brief moment, I felt what it was like to be a real immigrant… by which, of course, I mean a non-white person.

You are a real immigrant, mate, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. How could you not be? And don’t tell me you’re an “ex-pat,” which is what English immigrants who refuse to assimilate with the local culture call themselves before they go home and complain loudly about other people coming to Britain and doing exactly the same thing.

No, that’s not what I mean. I am an immigrant. What I mean is that we — pasty, white Brits like us — suffer through only a tiny fraction of what most immigrants over here have to suffer through. We’re the Rolls Royce of immigrants. Not only do we not have to learn the language, but we think we speak it better. Not only do we feel completely free to speak down at Americans, but sometimes we even get paid by Americans to do it.

Paid for it? Are you still claiming LEO pays us for this? I’ve seen no evidence.

The cheque’s in the post. Trust me this time. But the point is that we can only do this because we’re Brits. No other immigrant group can do this. Not even the French. The idea that there’s anything anyone here can say to us that will offend or frighten us is preposterous. We strut about thinking and behaving as if we still own the place. What other immigrant can do that?

I get that. I get that our experience, and that of most Brits, is very different from someone fleeing war or famine or genocide and having to start from scratch here. Telling me to fuck off back where I came from is water off.

But we can partially appreciate just how utterly cuntish it is to hear MAGA deplorables chant that bollocks about people who struggled through untold misery to get here. As for Mitch McConnell saying it isn’t racist, somehow I don’t think a septuagenarian white guy from Alabama is best placed to judge.

One of the good things about this country is if you don’t like it, you can run for public office and try to make it better. Or, you can pay some schmuck to write a book for you called “Crippled America,” say how shite it all is, then run for presidency and make it infinitely worse.

Speaking of running for office, I’ve only just realized that the GOP’s attorney general candidate, who would be Bevin’s rubber stamp, is an African American. Can you imagine, being a black American and consciously deciding that you want to be on the same side as David Duke?

A McConnell protégé, so we’re told. It does beg the question why someone would be part of a group that systematically endorses and institutionalises the very system that keeps him subjugated. Although that, of course, has been an accusation the rest of the world has directed at Yanks for half a century.

True. And more specifically, how can anyone, especially an African American, possibly think he can represent equal justice for all Kentuckians as attorney general while representing the same party that’s headed by someone credibly accused of multiple felonies including rape? He probably doesn’t think Trump should even be investigated. How many black men swung from trees based on a fraction of the evidence against Trump? Not just men, boys. The same party as William Barr, who just decided that the rozzer who capped Eric Garner should walk free despite strangling him on film for selling loose fags? While the bloke who filmed it wallows in chokey? How can anyone expect justice from someone willing to take that side? I mean, I understand how a white guy can do it, but if Daniel Cameron gets a single vote from an African American it’ll be a fucking disgrace.

It’s a good job you rarely try to make a serious point. You’re so long-winded and inarticulate, I always end up forgetting the point you were trying to make in the first place. Let’s just say that if you’re African American, and you’re on the same side as Trump, it’s equivalent to being Jewish and defending Hitler because his administration built the autobahns.

Wrapping up, it’s been quite the week for Kentucky pols, all the more remarkable considering the Don Quixote of the Bluegrass managed not to make a total cockwomble of himself.

Give Massie time. He’ll make up for it — although if we’re talking wanker of the week Rand Paul has it sewn up. Imagine being so smug and self-satisfied that you think dying Twin Tower firefighters shouldn’t get help until some other poor chav gets his benefits cut? An absurd argument. If we expect emergency service workers to risk their lives for ours they need to know they and their families will be supported whether the books balance or not. This from some wanker who happily uses millions in taxpayer money to play golf with Trump.

Exactly. It’s the sort of smug self-satisfaction that only two British ex-pats can fully appreciate. •