If youre not sure what a hype man is, just picture Flavor Flav, the guy from Public Enemy who sports the giant clock pendant and oversize sunglasses. His entire function in the band was to get the crowd going, praise the lead singer and make the people want more.
I was shopping for canned cat food on Amazon, and one of the options was a case of extra gravy!-style paté. Click! Upon opening the first can, I realized that extra gravy simply meant less actual cat food and more stinky goo that somehow always ends up on your hand. The cats looked at me accusingly, and with good reason. They dont know that Flavor Flav was in my head yelling Extra Gravy, Yeeaah, Boiii! when I ordered it.
Ving Rhames is Arbys hype man these days. Bless its horsey sauce hearts, but you wont catch me in an Arbys. Not that Im too fancy to eat fast food Im not! But I dont find Arbys to be particularly good. Still, when ol Ving starts his voice-over, on top of that slightly sinister, pompous marching band music in their commercial, I do sometimes start to think wait, do I want a gyros from Arbys? and also wait, you mean that isnt James Earl Jones in the Arbys ads?
Every restaurant has a hype man. Its the person who writes the menu descriptions. That might be the chef, but it also might be the owner, the owners spouse, the maître d or a PR firm. Or, some poor line cook. Anyway, the job of the menu description hype man is to make everything sound so special youll beg them to take your money. Sun-dried tomato aioli is probably just mayonnaise with commercial dried tomatoes mixed in and some salt and pepper if youre lucky. (Also: Does anybody think they actually dried those tomatoes in the sun? Ew. Nope. They were likely dried in an industrial dehydrator in a factory.)
If a dish is served with organic concord grape conserve, that means were putting jelly on it before it comes to the table. Now, a lunch counter doesnt get away with these menu embellishments without some side-eye, but smack a white tablecloth and an LED candle on the table, and its a whole new premier world-class sporting event.
Upscale restaurant hype men know that overwrought descriptions mean dollars, and every additional adjective can add at least 50 cents to the price of the dish (and a dime to the tip). Thats how a nice piece of baked cod with rice and veg at $8.99 becomes Wild Line-Caught Atlantic Cod with Beurre Blanc, Organic Sprouted Brown Rice Pilaf and Oven-Roasted Baby Vegetables for $15.75 if you slosh some melted butter sauce over it. And if we ladle the sauce into a pool and drag a spoon through it, maybe youll pay $25!
Of course, not every restaurant hype man is a bald-faced liar, and Im not saying every high-end menu description is bullshit. I mean, some of them have good information, but at an upscale place if you need to know what farm the lamb came from, your server should know or be able to find out quickly when queried. But most of these paragraph-long menu specs are far too flowery. Speaking of flowers, garnished with edible flowers always makes me laugh. I should hope were not putting inedible flowers on your plate.
Then theres hand-dipped ice cream yeah, Ive got my eye on you over there behind the counter making my sundae with your feet. And my all-time favorite has to be the use of fresh as a descriptor. Caesar Salad with Fresh Superlative Farms Romaine Lettuce blah blah blah itd better be fresh! Waiter please take this brown lettuce away. I wanted fresh!
But, in a way, those flowery descriptions can add to your experience somewhat; if nothing else, they look great in your Instagram caption. So, please enjoy your local farm-sourced, cruelty-free omelet with shaved smoked pork belly and butter scones with house-made forcemeat béchamel for $21.99. Ill just be over here behind my newspaper loving my scrambled egg and bacon platter with biscuits and extra sausage gravy (yeahh, boi!) for $6.50 and giving the cashier a fat tip.
Marsha Lynch has worked at many Louisville independent restaurants including Limestone, Jack Frys, Jarfis, L&N Wine Bar and Bistro, Café Lou Lou, Marketplace @ Theater Square, Fontleroys and Harvest.