Bevin’s Laziness Is Beshear’s Opportunity

Go easy on me, mate — I’m feeling a trifle groggy.

Either you did some actual work, and you’re so unused to it you’re in deep shock, or you got Brahms and Liszt. The chances of the former are close to zero, so I’ll put my well-earnt on the latter. 

Fair dibs. Yes, I got pissed. I went to a beer festival with a couple of Aussies, and the rest is a blur. Hence me feeling a trifle tender and not particularly interested in our usual combat.

And let me guess: everyone you ran into thought you were either all Aussies or all Brits?

I used to be baffled at how many people here think I’m an Aussie. Talk about insulting an Englishman. But now I don’t care because I realise you can go a long time living in Kentucky and never hear a foreign accent. You and I on the other hand grew up watching Australian daytime soaps, played the same sports, got served by them in pubs, sat next to them on the Tube and so on. To my ear, the accents are completely different because I’m so used to hearing it. But to ears here, not so much. Anyway, I’m far more forgiving now.

That’ll be a relief to the locals. “Dewson forgives. All is well.” Moving on, though, fashion guru Mitch McConnell is taking a stand in the racist-ish, flag-themed joggers’ market, and Matt Bevin is rapping, so I’m guessing you’re not the only one who’s been on the sauce this week.

I can’t wait for McConnell to get his own range of Velcro-strapped, old-git plimmies. That’ll teach Nike to take Kaepernick’s side! I think he should ditch the Betsy Ross flag and baseball cap and go full-on Confederate flag with matching white hood. And high end so that the retail price reflects McConnell’s price: at least a few thousand Rubles.

Did watching Bevin rap make you feel worse or better?

Any time he makes even more of a prat of himself I feel good. But Beshear needs to do better than an endorsement from Tim Kaine, who added even less to Clinton than you do to me. To be fair, though, that probably did deserve some abuse. I wonder what Bevin’s Koch connections made of it all.

I expect they’re well into him. He does what they want without question and eats their toads while he’s at it. As we’ve said before, he’s seen the internal polling, and he thinks he’s cruising and can do whatever he likes. So, in between shaming his poor kids with his shit attempts at rapping, he swans off to fundraising and scheming events in Texas and Kansas — rather than doing the hard yards here. But his laziness is Beshear’s opportunity, because he still thinks Kentucky’s poor are so lockstep in line with the GOP brand that it won’t make a difference.

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I suppose we’ll see if it does or not — no punter ever lost money betting on rednecks making informed decisions. How about this, though: two major coal miners going bust in the space of a week, one literally robbing miners of their own pay-cheques. Plus fewer miners working now than during the Obama presidency and not a word from Bevin. Do you think they’ll fall for it again? The whole “I’ll protect mining jobs” bollocks?

I’m inclined to say they’ll fall for it until there are no mining jobs left at all. People are fundamentally quite stupid creatures. The state should be embracing renewables instead of appealing to moribund industries like mining. But they’ll end up like Easter Islanders, buggering the place up until one day it’ll dawn on them that they’ve only succeeded in buggering themselves. And as further proof of that, there’s LG&E strutting around doing whatever the fuck it likes — as only a monopoly with politicians in the bag can do — about to dig up Bernheim Forest.

Probably the only time Kentucky has been accurately compared to Easter Island. It’s no wonder this state struggles to attract major investment. Russian gangsters investing in boondoggle aluminium plants aside, what was the last big business to move to Kentucky? I can’t think of one. What can we offer besides turkeys voting for Christmas and untreated black lung. Mouthwatering it ain’t. Did you watch the footie and root for the Shermans this week?

I’d never cheer for the Yanks against anyone, even with Piers Morgan apparently on my side. However, no, I didn’t watch the match… although it definitely got me pulling for the Dutch on Sunday. Overall, anything that gets more Americans watching football is probably a good thing, though. Presumably the civilised world will eventually wean them off their own peripheral sports. In the meantime I’ve had to suffer the consequences of the Lionesses bottling it in the last 10 and getting abused by every Tom, Richard and Harry on Facebook.

I’m very pleased to hear it. Speaking of women’s footie, my wife wanted to buy my son and heir a women’s team footie shirt, and I stopped her. Does that make me a misogynistic twat and a terrible father?

First of all, you puffed-up ponce, stop calling it fucking “footie.” It’s football. Second of all, I’ve never bought into your self-proclaimed enlightenment. You were and are both a Muppet and a misogynist long before there was any talk of women’s football shirts. But to answer you, nobody bats an eyelid if they see a girl wearing a man’s name on the back of a shirt, so progress would be nobody batting an eyelid about a boy wearing a woman’s shirt. So, I’m firmly on the wife’s side here. What was your kid’s favourite movie with a strong female lead?

Erm. “Mulan”?

OK, there you are. He’s totally OK with it. He’s only going to become totally not-OK with it through you. So, for all of your pontificating about being progressive you’re actually part of the problem. Buy him the women’s shirt. At least they won the tournament — unlike the men who couldn’t even make the finals.

All right. But just don’t ask me to drink to it. •

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