Savage Love Live swooped into Seattle’s Egyptian Theater and Denver’s Oriental Theater over the last two weekends. I couldn’t get to everyone’s questions at these sold-out shows—there were so many great questions and I’m just one lousy advice columnist—so I’m going to power through as many as I can in this week’s column.
Q: Weddings are terrible. I attended “Dueling Dallas Lesbian Weddings,” and both couples are pressuring me to tell them whose wedding was better (or better in the eyes of social media). Am I obligated to “rat” these couples out to each other?
A: Weddings aren’t terrible, people are—some of them, not all of them. But you certainly aren’t obligated to “rat” these couples out to each other. You aren’t even obligated to speak to any of these terrible people again.
Q: What is the best relationship advice you’ve ever received?
A: Cup the balls.
Q: I’ve been talking to a guy for four months, and we still haven’t met in person. He’s recently divorced, and I find it odd that he is all into me with sexting, etc., but doesn’t want to meet. What do I do?
A: Stop wasting your time.
Q: I have always loved anal sex with my partner of more than a decade. He loves it, too. We’ve noticed a trend over the years where he gets melancholy after we have anal sex. He doesn’t know why. Do you have any ideas or theories about why?
Q: How do I make sure I enjoy my upcoming wedding instead of worrying about how it will go?
Q: I’m a woman and I’ve been in a relationship for two years. My partner is not able to make me orgasm. He is my first lover. HELP.
A: If you can make yourself come, show your partner how you do it. If you can’t make yourself come—if you’re one of those people who have never masturbated—start masturbating, learn how to make yourself come, and then show him how you do it.
Q: My boyfriend is a cuckold and very into the humiliation aspect of cuckolding. I’ve been hooking up with one guy who is so into humiliating my boyfriend that it’s kind of freaking me out. They message each other so much, I feel like I’m the one being cheated on!
A: You get the D. Let your boyfriend have the DMs.
Q: We are married 10 years, monogamish, pansexual. My friends are opening up their relationship and so are we. Any good reason I shouldn’t have sex with my friends?
A: Only the most obvious one: If someone gets hurt, these friendships could end. But friendships end all the time without anyone getting off, so…
Q: I’m 31; he’s 44. I know how you feel about splitting the rent in proportion to income, but my higher-earning boyfriend points out that I’ve opted for more leisure time and less stress with my lower-paying job. How should we split the rent?
A: Someone making two or three times as much money as their partner should be willing to pay more of the rent. Splitting the rent 50/50 wouldn’t be fair, particularly if the higher earner wants a larger and/or nicer space, because then the partner making more money is effectively having their lifestyle subsidized by the one making less. But if someone chooses to make less money because they want more leisure time, they shouldn’t expect to have that choice underwritten by a partner making more money. I don’t think they should pay half the rent—but a higher percentage of their income should go toward the rent.
Q: How can I nicely convince my girlfriend to have anal sex?
A: By using your words—your best noncoercive, nonthreatening, willing-to-take-no-for-an-answer words. And it will help if you tell her you’re willing to take it slow and willing to take turns.
Q: My boyfriend of 1.5 years doesn’t feel it is “appropriate” to tell me he is in love with me. I want so bad to have our “I love you” moment. What should I do?
A: Say it to him—and if he doesn’t hit you with an “I love you, too,” then either he’s not in love with you or he’s in love with you and knows how badly you want to hear him say “I love you” but he won’t say it because he likes to torture you.
Q: My partner discovered—with someone else—that she loves BDSM, including pain and humiliation. I’m trying, but she’s not impressed. What do I do?
A: Presumably your partner doesn’t love BDSM to the exclusion of all the hot vanilla sex she’d been having with you previous to this discovery. So instead of trying to be something or someone you’re not, let your partner enjoy BDSM with others while making sure you two maintain your sexual connection by continuing to explore your shared sexual interests.
Q: Blair says all blowjobs should end with a swallow. Thoughts?
A: Blair is entitled to Blair’s opinion, but Blair isn’t the boss of blowjobs.
Q: I’ve been with my partner for two years. We love each other and have no real issues, except family. I’m out of the closet to everyone in my life. My partner is, too. Her mom “accepts” her being gay, except around extended family. At family gatherings, her mom pretends my partner is heterosexual and interested in men, as if our two-year relationship doesn’t exist. Is it okay that I think this is not okay?
A: It’s okay that you don’t find this at all okay. But I’m curious what your partner thinks. Presumably your partner isn’t a houseplant—which means she must have feelings about this and presumably she’s capable of communicating those feelings to her mother.
Q: How do you introduce BDSM into your sexual relationship?
A: Suddenly and without warning—trust me, the element of surprise is crucial when it comes to kinky sex. Joking! For the record: You introduce BDSM into your sexual relationship by first initiating a conversation about your sexual interests and, if there’s interest on both sides, gradually and slowly introducing JV BDSM play into your relationship.
Q: I ran into a coworker at a fetish party, and he was wearing a “URINAL” T-shirt. Does that mean what I think it means?
A: It means you don’t have to leave your workstation when you need to take a piss.
Thanks to everyone who came to Savage Love Live in Seattle and Denver! Savage Love Live is coming to San Francisco (with Stormy Daniels!), Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis (with Stormy Daniels!), Toronto, and Somerville. For more info and tickets, go to savagelovecast.com/events.
On the Lovecast, Dan chats with sex workers’ rights advocate Alex Andrews: savagelovecast.com.
Follow Dan on Twitter @fakedansavage