Savage Love Live swooped into Seattles Egyptian Theater and Denvers Oriental Theater over the last two weekends. I couldnt get to everyones questions at these sold-out showsthere were so many great questions and Im just one lousy advice columnistso Im going to power through as many as I can in this weeks column.
Q: Weddings are terrible. I attended Dueling Dallas Lesbian Weddings, and both couples are pressuring me to tell them whose wedding was better (or better in the eyes of social media). Am I obligated to rat these couples out to each other? A: Weddings arent terrible, people aresome of them, not all of them. But you certainly arent obligated to rat these couples out to each other. You arent even obligated to speak to any of these terrible people again.
Q: What is the best relationship advice youve ever received? A: Cup the balls.
Q: Ive been talking to a guy for four months, and we still havent met in person. Hes recently divorced, and I find it odd that he is all into me with sexting, etc., but doesnt want to meet. What do I do? A: Stop wasting your time.
Q: I have always loved anal sex with my partner of more than a decade. He loves it, too. Weve noticed a trend over the years where he gets melancholy after we have anal sex. He doesnt know why. Do you have any ideas or theories about why? A: Nope.
Q: How do I make sure I enjoy my upcoming wedding instead of worrying about how it will go? A: Elope.
Q: Im a woman and Ive been in a relationship for two years. My partner is not able to make me orgasm. He is my first lover. HELP. A: If you can make yourself come, show your partner how you do it. If you cant make yourself comeif youre one of those people who have never masturbatedstart masturbating, learn how to make yourself come, and then show him how you do it.
Q: My boyfriend is a cuckold and very into the humiliation aspect of cuckolding. Ive been hooking up with one guy who is so into humiliating my boyfriend that its kind of freaking me out. They message each other so much, I feel like Im the one being cheated on! A: You get the D. Let your boyfriend have the DMs.
Q: We are married 10 years, monogamish, pansexual. My friends are opening up their relationship and so are we. Any good reason I shouldnt have sex with my friends? A: Only the most obvious one: If someone gets hurt, these friendships could end. But friendships end all the time without anyone getting off, so
Q: Im 31; hes 44. I know how you feel about splitting the rent in proportion to income, but my higher-earning boyfriend points out that Ive opted for more leisure time and less stress with my lower-paying job. How should we split the rent? A: Someone making two or three times as much money as their partner should be willing to pay more of the rent. Splitting the rent 50/50 wouldnt be fair, particularly if the higher earner wants a larger and/or nicer space, because then the partner making more money is effectively having their lifestyle subsidized by the one making less. But if someone chooses to make less money because they want more leisure time, they shouldnt expect to have that choice underwritten by a partner making more money. I dont think they should pay half the rentbut a higher percentage of their income should go toward the rent.
Q: How can I nicely convince my girlfriend to have anal sex? A: By using your wordsyour best noncoercive, nonthreatening, willing-to-take-no-for-an-answer words. And it will help if you tell her youre willing to take it slow and willing to take turns.
Q: My boyfriend of 1.5 years doesnt feel it is appropriate to tell me he is in love with me. I want so bad to have our I love you moment. What should I do? A: Say it to himand if he doesnt hit you with an I love you, too, then either hes not in love with you or hes in love with you and knows how badly you want to hear him say I love you but he wont say it because he likes to torture you.
Q: My partner discoveredwith someone elsethat she loves BDSM, including pain and humiliation. Im trying, but shes not impressed. What do I do? A: Presumably your partner doesnt love BDSM to the exclusion of all the hot vanilla sex shed been having with you previous to this discovery. So instead of trying to be something or someone youre not, let your partner enjoy BDSM with others while making sure you two maintain your sexual connection by continuing to explore your shared sexual interests.
Q: Blair says all blowjobs should end with a swallow. Thoughts? A: Blair is entitled to Blairs opinion, but Blair isnt the boss of blowjobs.
Q: Ive been with my partner for two years. We love each other and have no real issues, except family. Im out of the closet to everyone in my life. My partner is, too. Her mom accepts her being gay, except around extended family. At family gatherings, her mom pretends my partner is heterosexual and interested in men, as if our two-year relationship doesnt exist. Is it okay that I think this is not okay? A: Its okay that you dont find this at all okay. But Im curious what your partner thinks. Presumably your partner isnt a houseplantwhich means she must have feelings about this and presumably shes capable of communicating those feelings to her mother.
Q: How do you introduce BDSM into your sexual relationship? A: Suddenly and without warningtrust me, the element of surprise is crucial when it comes to kinky sex. Joking! For the record: You introduce BDSM into your sexual relationship by first initiating a conversation about your sexual interests and, if theres interest on both sides, gradually and slowly introducing JV BDSM play into your relationship.
Q: I ran into a coworker at a fetish party, and he was wearing a URINAL T-shirt. Does that mean what I think it means? A: It means you dont have to leave your workstation when you need to take a piss.
Thanks to everyone who came to Savage Love Live in Seattle and Denver! Savage Love Live is coming to San Francisco (with Stormy Daniels!), Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis (with Stormy Daniels!), Toronto, and Somerville. For more info and tickets, go to savagelovecast.com/events.
On the Lovecast, Dan chats with sex workers rights advocate Alex Andrews: savagelovecast.com.
[email protected] Follow Dan on Twitter @fakedansavage ITMFA.org