In a relationship or life jam? Lemme unstuck your life — send your questions to:
[email protected] or reach out to me on Facebook.com/AskMindaHoney
While I wait for you readers to send me more questions —Yes, You. Email me your questions –— I asked my Facebook friends if there was anything weighing on them that I could help lift them out of. Two folks came forward. I’m going to use their initials.
L.B.: How do you date men when you are kind of afraid of, and angry at, them? Asking for a friend. Um, and that friend is me.
Minda: I found myself in this position around this time last year. I’d written this epic essay unpacking my toxic dating history and was just wiped out. So, I went on a dating hiatus. I took all the online apps off my phone. I still went on a few dates with dudes I randomly met and sparked with, but it allowed it to be natural, which freed up a lot of time and mental space that had been occupied by figuring out the problem of dating men in the era of #MeToo. Just take a breather, and see if that helps you reset a little and find some optimism for these truly dire times. It’ll still be hard to handle when you come back, but hopefully you’ll feel rested and ready for another go ‘round. Also, you could just stop dating men. I read a very promising article the other day about this trend of straight, cis women leaving men and becoming lesbians in their mid-30s. Maybe, we’ll get lucky.
M.A.E.: Like OK, like, oh man, I haven’t been single in like five or six years and am about to turn 30. Like, what’s different about dating now, because I feel like I’m still 24 but everyone else isn’t.
Minda: That’s so weird, right? I feel like I’m 27 forever, and then I remember that my baby sister, who is six years younger than me, isn’t even 27 anymore. Maybe it’s because I’m perpetually meeting men who are like 26 to 27 years old… But, that’s a different issue. Over the last decade, the dating landscape has shifted so much that those of us actively traversing it perpetually feel lost, so I can only imagine how you feel exiting a relationship and landing here alongside us. Unfortch, I’m not sure if there’s any other way to get up to speed than a bunch of trial and error. Your friends can for sure help you some, but be careful not to let any jaded, veteran daters sully your fresh outlook.
M.A.E.: I know I’m supposed to be alone for a while but, like, how?
Minda: You’re only supposed to be alone until you meet the next person you want to be with. If you feel like you’re forcing yourself to be with someone you’re meh about because it’s better than being by yourself, you need to be alone and work that shit out. But if you meet someone five seconds from now who lights you all the way up, why not explore that? I mean, be honest about where you are emotionally, but I don’t think you have to isolate yourself.
M.A.E.: Also, like is everyone a f–kboy now?
Minda: Yes. Even me.
M.A.E.: Is it ever acceptable to date someone who slid into your DMs or is this always f–kboy territory?
Minda: Michael B. Jordan says he’s done it, and I want to live in a world where it’s possible to hook up with Michael B. Jordan because I sent him a winky emoji. So, yes totally acceptable. But also, see my answer to you last question.
M.A.E.: As you start dating, is it appropriate to just put everything on the table to cut the bullshit, or are we still playing coy in 2019?
Minda: So glad you asked this question. I’m listening to this great book, “Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find–and Keep–Love,” and it’s messing me all the way up because it’s making clear all the shit I’ve low-key learned over the last decade, which I could have learned a lot sooner if dating advice wasn’t so terrible, and if our culture wasn’t so phobic of honesty. I mean, don’t be extreme and have some boundaries, but, yeah, don’t even waste your time being coy. Totally be up front about what you want and need out of a relationship. Because, otherwise, what happens is you play hard to get, and you attract other people who want to play games and then you think you “win” by finding yourself in a relationship with this person, but actually you’ve lost, and you’re dating a loser who’s also going to be just out of your reach emotionally. So, just be honest about who you are, and if that person is into that, great, and if not, they can move along, so you can focus on finding people who are.