Sexual harrassment, a GOP brand

I’m thinking about becoming a survivalist.

Again? Make your bloody mind up. As you know, I’d strongly advise against it in your circumstances.

Because Louisville would be a much poorer place without this column and my wisdom, you mean?

No, because a private school wazzock like you would last about 30 seconds in the wild. You’re such a wimp you make Elton John look like Grizzly Adams. So no, I don’t advise it. I’ve a horrid feeling you’re making me repeat myself too.

Mate, Costco has started selling a 27-pound tub of mac ’n’ cheese that has a 20-year shelf life. How is that not a clear sign of the end of civilisation?

Judging by the sight of you that’ll last about three meals, tops. Besides, it’s only the apocalypse when the gullible are getting fleeced by their religious leaders. Despite being the slow one in a long line of village idiots, I thought you knew better.

How do you get to be both an optimist and a misanthrope at the same time?

I work at it. Look, if the horsemen do turn up, no amount of mac ‘n’ fuckin’ cheese is going to see you through. Anyone with functioning taste buds faced with 27 pounds of that shite would likely open their wrists with their teeth anyway. Imagine trying to outlast the End Times eating that rubberised crap. What’s worse in the world now than it was six months ago? Democrats have won the House, and Trump’s approval is only heading in one direction. Things are improving.

Perhaps. I just feel a little overwhelmed by the wave of toxic nihilism that’s engulfed our home country. At least the opposition here is still vaguely sane, principled and not interested in tearing down society. The opposition on the other side of the Pond appears perfectly happy to help push the entire country off Beachy Head.

Before any readers write pissed-off notes to LEO telling us they don’t give a toss about what’s happening in the UK, we’re Brits, so STFU, or move on to the next column. And, unless it’s Yarmuth going on about college basketball, it’s probably more credible and interesting than this one anyway. But yeah, watching the place we left self-immolate isn’t fun. Frankly, if Britain leaves the EU without a continuity deal, it’ll make the 2008 crash — which essentially boiled down to a few poor sods not paying their mortgages — look like Amateur Hour at the Bognor Regis Old People’s Home.

Possibly, but at least it looks as if we’ll find out. So that’s that off our chests. Speaking of chests, Jeff Hoover. Man, what a total slimeball he is. He and Meredith. If Al Franken was right to resign — which in my opinion he was — then these two should already be long gone.

The one thing Bevin did that was absolutely correct was to call for these two to get the hell out of Frankfort, posthaste.

Agreed, again, but with the caveat being that getting away with sexually harassing anyone and everyone is very much on-brand for Republicans, so I find it difficult to sum up a huge amount of sympathy for anyone who works for these people. They’re either sexually repressed to the point of being totally weird about it, like Pence, or “Get your tits out, darlin’” like the rest of them. That’s not to excuse it, but come on, their leader is a self-proclaimed lifelong groper and credibly accused rapist, including in print by his ex-wife, and nobody in the GOP gives a shit.

Least of all that steaming pile of hypocrisy Bevin. Do you think McConnell will make it possible to reopen the government? He could do it tomorrow if he wanted to.

Nope. The more I think about it, the more I think he believes he’s untouchable. His lifelong thirst for power has reached its absolute zenith. He knows there isn’t going to be a strong challenger in Kentucky, so his job is his as long as he wants it. There isn’t going to be any challenge to his power in the Senate, either. He’s pretty much running the show with Trump in the White House.

I suspect he’s clean too.

What, as in not a drug addict?

No, you plonker. As in not compromised… which makes him the most powerful of all. Disciplined and boring enough to have nothing in his closet to worry about. And as probably the only vaguely clean one surrounded by desperadoes with the potential to die in prison, his absolute power is reinforced, which he rather enjoys. He’s on their side, doesn’t mind people knowing that, but has convinced himself that he isn’t one of them.

So basically Mitch McConnell is the Johnny Fontane of the Senate.

If Johnny Fontane had massive jowl implants and had eyes like piss-holes in the snow. How about the kerfuffle around those Covington Catholic lads, eh?

Their parents believe a virgin gave birth to one god after another god knocked her up, so why should we be surprised to find out they’ve stupidly dropped themselves into the middle of something they shouldn’t be getting in the middle of?  And why the hell is any school — never mind one that’s about to go to Frankfort and demand that taxpayers subsidise it — going to a rally like that in the first place? I’d be pretty pissed off if my kids’ school tried to do anything that’s remotely as arrogant and political as that.

The media did pretty well, I’d say. Reported it after it went viral, straight but cautiously despite the outcry from liberals and conservatives alike, and lo and behold more evidence turns up later that changes the narrative. Courier Journal did a solid job covering it, too. That said to feign my objectivity, I reckon if you wear a MAGA hat and walk and talk like a duck, you need to be prepared to pay the price sooner or later — they were lucky there was 100 of them and only four of the protestors. They would’ve had the shit kicked out of their penny loafers otherwise.

I get why they do it, though. They think the little red hat gives them the power of life and death over the marginalised, and since this country is jailing people for leaving food and water in the desert in an effort to stop brown people from dying, perhaps they’re right. So we’re fucked.

All right. When you put it like that, I’m in. When are we moving to the Yukon?