Covington fuckin’ Catholic on the cross… I feel amazing! Have you ever been proven so right on a massive subject that your very soul shines ever so goddamn bright there’s no fuckin’ way the giant intergalactic space spiders who run this whole shitshow don’t see you blasting holy light from your pores from up high?
Well no, of course you don’t, because you, yes you, are a mook! From a long line of mooks you have descended, so you have not a clue in your empty cavernous skull of what it is I speak. But, that’s OK, my simpleton. I will explain it in the lamest of laymen terms, and I will add a solution to what ails your stupid ass as a bonus, a gift to you and your unremarkable family.
I spent days reading what idiots wrote about that shit online, and I walked away knowing I was now dumber for having done so.
America is the grossest, most self-obsessed country, spilling over with morons, dipshits and the most completely worthless that the universe has ever known, and I’ve been screaming this undeniable fact for the last 37 years. I straight up came out of the womb giving your dumb grandma the finger because your grandma is a murderous fool with blood on her hands and, thanks to a bunch of MAGA, teen, Catholic chuds from Kentucky, Black Hebrew Israelites, a First Nation elder full of stolen valor and the ultimate human hellscape that is Washington D.C., my words have been proven true!
America as a whole and you as an individual are a big, ol’ hateful bag of rotting trash, and no high-horse ridin’, soapbox standin’ will ever free you of that curse. Righteous tweet all you want, you lying moron… you’re still shit, still wrong, and always and forever will be vomit.
You have sussed out nothing!
You have proved nothing!
Every single person who was involved in that whole sequence and who commented on it in any way should feel gross and dumber for having added what amounted to further proof this country is a dump ready to set itself ablaze.
Facebook detectives and Twitter preachers are all bogus flimflammers, and I personally find it hilarious! It doesn’t matter if you’re an all cap-typin’, truck-lifted super bubba typing out your patriotism from some meth-ruled, rural toilet, or a wine-sniffin’, $30 chunk of cheese eatin’, academic city slicker, furry with a degree in bullshit and a memoir on your plights and self-induced persecutions no one wants to read. You are one and the same, to me… you’re an American, dammed and marked as such, so let us get onto the right page of the next chapter and stop all this digital horsin’ around, because there is only one solution to the American mess, and, seeing as I’m such a nice fella, I’m gonna give it to all you itchy assholes free of charge.
Thunderdome. I demand satisfaction!
Thus, I demand Thunderdome!
Let’s do this, you slack-jawed imbeciles: The time has come for all Americans to shut up and put up, drop the chitchat and throw down, one on one inside of a cage to the death using a variety of implements of carnage from chainsaws to crowbars, to cheese graters and channel locks. The time has come for you to face your enemy, not online like a sniveling weakling, but face to face in front of a paying, roaring crowd that cares nothing of the ideological bullshit you have draped over your pathetic carcass and hid behind for far too long now, because you are a soulless, insipid doofus who got hipped to some podcast run by other soulless, insipid doofuses and said to yourself in your loneliness, “This is me! This is what I am too!”
And, away you went on your Rollerblades, sowing the seeds of stupidity as far as your three-odd followers would allow you. Well congrats you oaf, you have solved not a thing, because here we are in the 2019, and America hasn’t even yet hit peak nonsense, but Lord knows we’re trying! So, let’s get Macho Man Randy Savage with each other behind fencing festooned with the entrails of the fallen.
You mad bruh?
Got beef with your fellow nitwit?
Call them out and enter the gates of war. If you win, you win… no trophy, no prize, just a few hours to yourself to let the idea that you bested another by snatching their breath away forever sink in, and if you lose, well no ballads will be sung in your honor, no beautiful obituaries written. We simply cart your corpse off to the landfill where you belong.
And no one is too young, old, feeble, protected or privileged to squirm their way out of a fight. If you are named for any reason whatsoever, you must enter the Thunderdome and attack or be attacked.
This will not bring peace to America, but it will free us up of a lot of useless baggage and after, say 20-odd years of this blood sport in action, it will greatly reduce the population and pollution currently plaguing us.
Whoever is still around in this greatly reduced population can thank all the idiots, who got decapitated by a greater savage, for making our bad traffic but a faded memory for the human condition.