Q: Ive been enjoying consensual nonmonogamy for the past two years, in part thanks to your column and podcast. I have a delightful young lover, and our connection has evolved into a kind of Master/slave relationship. I allow her to fuck other men and women, and she delights in asking my permission and recounting the details of her other trysts to me. We are curious how much of this she needs to disclose to her other lovers. They know she isnt monogamous and they are aware of her relationship with me, but so far she has chosen not to tell them the extent to which I own her and have jurisdiction over her body and actions. Of course, its just an elaborate role-playing game but is it wrong to be using these people as pawns in our game without their knowledge and consent? If so, when should she tell them? Before she sleeps with them even once? Or after shes developed a more intimate rapport with them? Theres a perverse thrill in her other lovers being totally oblivious to it, but we want to be ethical in our polyamorous ways.
Masochists And Sadists Tackling Ethical Relations
A: This falls under the header of permissible secret perving (PSP), MASTER, and I will allow it with one caveat.
My go-to example of PSP is the foot fetishist who works in a shoe store. So long as hes good at his job and his secret perving is undetectable no bulges, no heavy breathing, no creepy comments no harm done. And if he goes home and jacks off about all the sexy, sexy feet he saw and, yes, handled during his shift, hes not hurting anyone or doing anything unethical. Its important, however, to note that the foot fetishist salesclerks perceptions arent the ones that matter. If he thinks hes playing it cool he thinks his perving is secret but his customers or coworkers are creeped out by his behavior, demeanor, heavy breathing, etc., then his perving isnt secret and is therefore impermissible.
The secret perving youre doing the girlfriend has to beg for your permission to fuck other people and report back to you afterward is small and its a bank shot. The other people shes fucking provide mental fodder for your D/s role-playing games, MASTER, you arent directly involving them. Your role-playing games take place before she fucks someone else (when she asks your permission) and after she fucks someone else (when she recounts her experience). And what turns you on about your girlfriend sleeping with other people and how you and your girlfriend talk to each other about it is no ones business but yours.
Now for the caveat: If one of your girlfriends lovers strongly objects to Dom/sub sex, relationships, or role-playing games, and your girlfriend is aware they object, and you two want to be exquisitely ethical, MASTER, then either your girlfriend shouldnt fuck that person or she should disclose your Master/slave dynamics to that person and allow them to decide whether they want to fuck her anyway.
Zooming out for a second: Some people in open relationships dont want to know what their partners get up to, and these couples usually have dont ask, dont tell agreements about sex outside the relationship. But many more people in open relationships do want to hear about their partners adventures because it turns them on. Someone who doesnt want to risk being fodder for a couples dirty talk or even their D/s role-playing games shouldnt be sleeping with people who are partnered and in open relationships. There are things we have a right to ask the people with whom we have casual sex like whether theyre practicing ethical nonmonogamy, if they have an STI, what kind of birth control theyre using, whether theyre on PrEP, etc. but a casual fuck isnt entitled to details about your relationship.
Q: My boyfriend of one year has refused to delete photos from his Instagram account that show him with his ex-girlfriend. They were together for three years and briefly engaged, and they broke up two years before we met. They arent in contact in any way, so I dont have any worries there, but I think making photos of him with someone else available to his friends and family and now my friends, too, as many are now following him is incredibly disrespectful. Weve had numerous arguments about this, and his solution is for me to stop thinking about it. He also insists that no one is looking at five-year-old pictures on his Instagram account. If thats true, why not delete them? He refuses to discuss this issue, even as I lose sleep over it. Ive tried calmly discussing this with him, Ive tried crying, Ive tried screaming my head off nothing works.
Personal Insult Causing Stress
A: Theres definitely something your boyfriend should delete, PICS, but its not old photos of his ex.
Q: The man Im going to marry has a huge boot fetish. He has about 200 pairs of boots in his size. His size also happens to be my size and Im half convinced he wouldnt have proposed if we didnt have the same size feet and I couldnt wear his boots. I want to surprise him with a very special bachelor party (that well both attend): It would be all guys with the same size feet as us, and everyone will be wearing different pairs of boots from his collection. Im picturing a big group of guys doing for him what I do for him: stand on him, let him lick my (actually, his) boots, make him crawl and grovel. His feet arent an uncommon size (11.5), and Im guessing enough of our mutual friends would fit into his boots that I could actually make this happen. Hes the only fetishist Ive ever been with all my other boyfriends were vanilla and Im wondering how he would react if he walked into a room and found a bunch of his friends wearing his boots and then I ordered him to start licking. I think it would be way better than going to a strip club or a drag show.
Boyfriend Obsesses Over Tall Shoes
P.S. Hes not really out about his kink.
A: Wow, BOOTS, you saved the most salient detail for that postscript: Your boyfriend isnt out to his friends about his kink. So unless youre talking about a small subset of his friends only old friends that once had benefits do not out your boyfriend as a boot fetishist to all his friends with size 11.5 feet. If your fiancé has fantasized about some sort of group boot-worshipping session, and hes shared that fantasy with you, and you want to help him realize it, thats great. But he needs to be involved in determining where, when, how and with whom hed like to make this fantasy a reality.
Q: My bi girlfriend and I are getting married in a month. Were in a cuckold relationship she sleeps with other men and women, while I am completely monogamous to her and my best man is one of her regular male sex partners and her maid of honor is one her girlfriends-with-benefits. No one else at our big traditional church wedding (that her mother is paying for) will know. But I wanted to let you know, Dan, since reading your column is what inspired me to be open about my kinks, and our relationship the best Ive ever been in wouldnt exist without you.
The Happy Couple
A: Permissible secret perving at its finest/hottest, THC. Thanks for sharing, and be sure to send me a photo of the wedding party for my records.