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I was encouraged to write you by a friend because of a recent relationship I have taken up. About two months ago, completely out of the blue and with no intent; I found myself deeply connected to a cam girl model. I had no intentions on falling for someone, nor was I even interested in a love connection, assuming that is what we actually have. Before her I had zero experience in the cam girl world, so I am a little lost about what is normal and what is not with them. A big part of my confusion here is that she looks in on my camera all day every day. She is online six days a week for six to seven hours, and we “hang out” during those hours. There is usually very little sexual activity between us. It is mostly chit chat whenever she has time around being busy. Sometimes this chit chat feels like something much more meaningful, and other times it doesn’t. I also know that there are only so many cameras that she can look in on at once, and normally she charges extra for that. There seems to be some legitimate signs that she actually cares about me as a person, or I would run for the hills and not look back.
I am currently feeling very lost and pretty vulnerable. This woman has definitely worked her way into my heart quickly, and, at times, I feel like I have become a part of her heart. I genuinely miss her when she is not around. I am wondering what your thoughts are on a relationship like this might be and what, if any, advice you might have on navigating what appear to be some very treacherous waters. I feel like the end result could very well be worth the energy, effort and risk of being sunk.
And lastly, I am well aware she could be simply using me for emotional and possible financial support through a tough time in her life. She recently graduated college with an advanced degree in early childhood education and could not find work in her field. So that led her to the cam girl world (which, if she is being honest, she is miserable doing it, but making really good money so she continues to). She has been online for just about a year now. Oh, and she happens to live in Medellín [Colombia], and I am in North Carolina. Any advice, wisdom or thoughts you might be able to provide would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for your time,
The subject line of your email was, “What are the odds?” I’m sad to say, I don’t think the odds are in your favor. I chatted about your situation with a few of my office-mates (after I explained a cam girl is basically the Internet version of your own private dancer). Here’s the thing, your email is eloquently written, and your answers to the follow up questions I asked were equally endearing, so I was swayed — maybe this was a love connection, but my coworker JB — we will be known as the “The Spinster and the Married Man” going forward — had some questions of his own. One of your follow-up responses mentioned that you hadn’t gone into this looking for your soulmate. You’d simply brought up the site to play in the background while you remodeled your home. That’s expensive background noise! JB wondered, “What about a TED Talk?”
Before answering your question, I Googled, “Fell in love with a cam girl,” and it appears this is a fairly common situation. The issue here is that you’re getting exactly what you’re paying for — human connection — and mistaking it for more than what you paid for. I am not accusing your lady love of being manipulative, but cam girls know that the personal, nonsexual connection is where the payday is, just like any other woman (or person really) in the service industry, sex worker or not.
Now, like I said, I found you to be truly wonderful over email. And who among us hasn’t built up a relationship to be more than what it was, particularly when we wanted to avoid emotional risk and vulnerability? I mean I did that for like the bulk of my 20s. So, my friend, another thing you mentioned was that you had your heart broken real bad and it’s been five years since you were last in a relationship and that casual dating isn’t your jam. I don’t really know anyone who isn’t like 22 that enjoys the dating grind, so I would encourage you to put yourself back out there. Do some local dating and see if your feelings/perspective about your cam girl changes. I just feel like if she were really into you, she’d say so and move your relationship off the platform and into a situation where money isn’t exchanged. If you can’t shake your feelings for her, go ahead and let her know, but be prepared for things to be awkward and possibly end. It will be on you to handle the rejection gracefully (Maybe even float her a little severance cash to help her deal with the loss of the steady income you were giving her?). Please feel free to write back anytime with an update.
For anyone interested in hearing more from my coworker JB, we’ll be going live Wednesday on my Ask Minda Honey Facebook page as “The Spinster & the Married Man” to exchange banter about this question.