Din din for Mitch

Normally, when Kentucky hits the national news it’s for embarrassing, over-the-top reasons in dumb-fuckery — we built a biblical dinosaur boat, Rand Paul got body slammed, Matt Bevin is a vindictive, shallow shit head out here doing what vindictive, shallow shit heads do, Rick Pitino is poorly slinging dick in a public space and catching a pink slip for being slippery as fuck, a Bullitt County preacher-politician biker bro offs himself after being outed as a sex offender and so forth and so on.

Half-baked, bare-ass villainy is our brand, and we push it hard!

But, every so often, we have a real Robert Penn Warren moment, from the dung heap that is Kentucky… a wild rose will rise and take its place in the spotlight, and we can once again take a deep breath and assure ourselves that, yes, we are still better than Indiana and Ohio combined! Which is why Mitch McConnell being chased out of local eateries by concerned citizens is so beautiful, so blazed and downright politically correct that I wonder why no one hadn’t thought of it before?! I mean, I’m sure Mitch McConnell, one of the most justifiably-hated figures in the country today, has been scarfing down boogers, loogies, eye coals and other foul-based human waste squeezed out of orifices I never even knew existed for years now, since the early ‘80s, at least. Some line cook just blasting Mitch McConnell’s Cobb salad with a dairy-rich fart has probably happened at least 200,000 times since the old scarecrow first took office, and that’s all swell and good… downright hilarious, in fact, but chasing him out and haranguing his royal awfulness is way better!

It’s downright divine!

Ruining a rich man’s dinner automatically places you on the page reserved for legends in my book! It’s sending a message and getting the job done in ways that calling a senator or writing a letter to the fucking mayor never will, ‘cause they don’t listen or read that shit, ‘cause they don’t give a single fuck about you or me. But what they do care about is somebody putting them on blast, in real time, in person, while they’re stuffing their dry-rotted, miserable faces with spaghetti and meatballs.

Fuck civility to anyone who is gleefully enjoying themselves, while they allow infants to stand trial and simultaneously trying to steal away grandma’s Social Security check. Steve Bannon shouldn’t be allowed to walk among the public and shop for books when he actively hates the public.

If I owned a chicken shack, and Ted Bundy walked through the door wanting a dinner box and a Big Red, it would be my civic duty to my loyal patrons to whack that dude in the side of the head with a broom handle and then toss his ass into the dumpster, because Ted Bundy was a dangerous abomination to all living life, the same as are Scott Pruitt, Sarah Huckabee Sanders and this whole rogues gallery currently operating out of Washington.

So sorry, not sorry, if you plan on making a bundle by selling off huge portions of the Grand Staircase to be strip-mined, and someone walks up to you and explains what a piece of shit you are at your favorite ice cream shop. You deserve to be dressed down, spoken low to and straight up tongue-lashed for all to see! I want Mitch McConnell eating Spam while hiding behind his bodyguards, scared of being roasted, yet again.

Let Jeff Sessions eat Alpo from the can in a dark bunker somewhere all alone, because he’s too fucking horrific to be allowed to have any contact whatsoever with decent human beings.

I mean, what did you expect to happen when you send a bunch of malicious racist, sexual predators and flat-out criminals to run the government? That the people would just turn over and wait to die? Nah, fool, this ain’t mother Russia no matter how badly conservatives want it to be. In America, we still got the fucking moxie to tell you where, when and how you can go fuck yourself.