Savage Love Live at Denvers Oriental Theater last week was epic. I fielded sex questions in front of a sold-out crowd, singer-songwriter Rachel Lark performed amazing news songs, comedian Elise Kerns absolutely killed it, and Tye a token straight guy plucked at random from the audience joined us onstage and gave some pretty great sex advice! We couldnt get to all the audience questions during the show, so Im going to race through as many unanswered questions as I can in this weeks column
Q: Youve famously said, Oral comes standard. How long before anal comes standard?
A: How does a week from next Tuesday grab you?
Q: I enjoyed a great sex life with many kinky adventures until my husband died suddenly two years ago. I have insurance $$$ and a house to sell and a dream of using the proceeds to become a sex-positive therapist. Crazy idea? Or something the world needs more of?
A: Judging by how many people tell me theyre having a hard time finding sex-positive, kink-positive, open-positive, and poly-positive therapists, I would definitely file sex-positive therapist under world needs more of. Chase that dream!
Q: How do you introduce your inexperienced-but-willing-to-try partner to BDSM?
A: By starting a two-person book club. Order Playing Well with Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring, and Navigating the Kink, Leather, and BDSM Communities by Lee Harington and Mollena Williams, The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play, and the Erotic Edge edited by Tristan Taormino, and SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman. Read and discuss, and discuss some more and when youre ready to start playing, take it slow!
Q: What resources are available which do you recommend to share with my male partner so he can improve (learn) oral sex? (Girl oral sex!)
A: Two more book recommendations: The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus: How to Go Down on a Woman and Give Her Exquisite Pleasure by Violet Blue and She Comes First: The Thinking Mans Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner.
Q: My boyfriend told me that women orgasm only 60 percent of the time compared to men. I said I want orgasm equity. How do I navigate his pansy-assed male ego to find a solution?
A: The orgasm gap 91 percent of men reported climaxing in their last opposite-sex sexual encounter compared to 64 percent of women (National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior) doesnt exist for lesbians and bi women in same-sex relationships. So the problem isnt women and their elusive orgasms, its men and their lazy-ass bullshit. A contributing factor is that women often have a hard time advocating for their own pleasure because theyve been socialized to defer to men. Theres evidence of that in your question: You want to navigate this problem the problem being a selfish boyfriend who doesnt care enough about you to prioritize your pleasure and has taken cover behind the orgasm gap but you want to spare his ego in the process. Fuck his precious ego. Tell him what you want and show him what it takes to get you off. If he refuses to do his part to close the orgasm gap in your apartment, show him the door.
Q: How do you prioritize sex with your partner when life gets so busy and masturbation is so much easier? My fiancé is down for quickies sometimes but not always.
A: Forgive my tautology, but you prioritize sex by prioritizing sex. Scheduled sex can be awesome sex and when youre truly pressed for time, you can always masturbate together.
Q: How do I come out to my family as a stripper? Ive been dancing for more than two years and dont plan to stop. Some of my family members are biased against sex workers, but Im tired of keeping up the facade (I told them Im a bartender).
A: Its a catch-22: People are afraid to come out to their closed-minded families as queer or poly or sex workers or atheists, but closed-minded families typically dont open their minds until after their queer or poly or sex working or nonbelieving kids come out to them. To open their minds, youll have to risk blowing them first. Tell them your truth and stand your ground.
Q: I keep having sex dreams about Kanye West. What does that mean?
A: Youre Mike Pence.
Q: Am I doing society a disservice by dating an international drug dealer?
A: A sexually frustrated international drug dealer is arguably more dangerous than a sexually satisfied international drug dealer so you may be doing society a service.
Q: Can I want to be monogamous without any reasoning? My boyfriend would probs be in an open relationship, but Im not interested for no reason in particular.
A: Speaking with a low-information voter is frustrating because they cant tell you why they voted for someone; speaking with a low-information fucker someone who cant tell you why theyre doing/screwing what theyre doing/screwing is just as frustrating. Its even more frustrating when the low-information/low-self-awareness fucker happens to be the person youre fucking. Its fine to want what you want because of course it is but unless youre interested only in solo sex, you need to be able to share your reasons.
Q: I dated a guy who said he was in an open relationship. We started working together on a podcast. I got irritated because after two months he never did any preliminary research. When I pointed that out, he deleted all our work and blocked me on FB. Now hes asking for some stuff he left at my place. Do I give it back?
A: Yep. As tempting as it might be to hold on to his stuff or trash it, that just keeps this drama alive. If you keep his stuff, hell keep after you for it. If you trash his stuff, youll have to worry about the situation escalating. If you want him out of your life and out of your head, put his crap in a bag, set it on your porch or leave it with a neutral third party, and tell him when he can swing by and get it.
Q: How clean should a bottom be? A little bit of shit is kinda expected, isnt it? I mean, you are fucking an ass, right?
A: My expectations for sterling silver, crystal stemware, and fuckable ass are the same: I want it sparkling.
Zooming out: One doesnt have anal sex with an ass full of shit for the same reason one doesnt have oral sex with a mouth full of food its going to make a mess. Making sure your mouth is empty is easy, of course, but its not that difficult to empty or clean out an ass. Also, a good, fiber-rich diet empties and cleans out the ass naturally. Yes, you are fucking an ass, thats true, and shit sometimes happens. The top shouldnt poop-shame the bottom when it does happen, and the bottom doesnt need to have a meltdown. It just means you need to pivot to some other sexual activity after a quick cleanup restores the sparkle.