Mitch and hemp, Bevin and polling gold

Lots of reasons I love living here, but let me tell you what I don’t like about it.

Oh, Joy. But don’t tell me — let me guess. Trying to look and sound like a poor man’s Bond villain, but still being the lamest nonce in Jefferson County?

Not even close. What I dislike most about living in this country is the British section of Kroger. The stuff of nightmares.

I can’t say it’s had quite the same effect on me. Not enough Marmite?

You wretched peasant. Marmite’s the devil’s arsewipe, the sole menu item in my personal Room 101. But that vile stuff has nothing to do with what’s wrong at Kroger. What is wrong is that nine of their Yankee dollars for a squeezy jar of Heinz Salad Cream. Seven for two days’ supply of Branston Pickle. Eating like an immigrant is bankrupting me.

One thing most Americans don’t get is that the more abusive our insults are, the more obvious it is that we’re mates. But yeah, a very odd thing to be upset about, especially when you consider the working-class origins of both. I’d have put you down as more of a Piccalilli man, and I use the word “man” as liberally as I spread my Marmite.

As Churchill said, any civilization that has not embraced Salad Cream and Branston Pickle is no civilisation at all.

The oddities of the British diet, though. I’m amazed our crap sells anywhere — although presumably botulism is considered artisanal nowadays. Not that it matters if McConnell gets his way; we’ll all be reduced to eating hemp-burgers.

Right, and Boehner will have us all puffing blunts outside the fire escape. Disgraceful. McConnell with his hemp, and Boehner with his weed. Nobody should be able to make a farthing legally from weed or hemp until every one of the poor bastards languishing in jail’s released, compensated and has had their record scrubbed. The same applies to anyone out of jail but burdened by a marijuana-related criminal record.

Yes and no. It was a crime at the time. Should we retroactively pardon people who knew damn well that what they were doing was illegal, even if it isn’t now?

Yes we should, especially when white people are getting rich from doing exactly what black people are doing porridge over. Presumably, you’re OK with the British government issuing pardons for people who were prosecuted for being gay when being gay was illegal? Oscar Wilde, Alan Turing?

All right, point taken. I’m just being a wanker for the sake of it. And being a wanker for the sake of it is this column’s entire raison d’etre, right? Much like our state government.

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I think one of the main attractions with some form of authoritarian government is that theoretically you don’t end up being governed by amateurs. I mean, when you boil it down Bevin’s an amateur every bit as much as any of the rest of them. So we have people making far-reaching decisions on issues that they have no understanding of. It’s like you advising Manute Bol on how to play the post.

I have no idea what that fucked-up reference is about, but I catch your drift. In a functioning democracy, people who’re voting on such things are self-aware enough to know they’re out of their depth, so they have staff who can delve into the details and give them the lowdown. These prannets actually think they understand multi-billion dollar budgets, actuarial science and the macroeconomic impact of marginal changes to taxation, when patently they don’t.

The bottom line is that you have to be a complete stupid to be a Republican; and so not surprisingly, when a whole mess of them get together, they do very stupid things. Did you see that video of the committee discussion about the pension bill? Jerry Miller had the hostage-video-message look about him. If Beshear can’t defeat that bill in court with that video as Exhibit A, then he should resign from the bar.

Fun to see Bevin completely melt down, though.

A week’s a long time in politics, is it not? Two weeks, a lifetime. Weren’t you just predicting Bevin would primary and beat McConnell? Based on your recent record, a prediction that Trump will never see the inside of a jail cell would be most welcome.

First of all, he won’t; anyone who thinks Mueller will indict Trump, never mind put him inside, is in for major disappointment. Just like your mum when you were plucked by an innocent midwife from her womb. Second, although Bevin’s meltdown was simultaneously hilarious and scary — it was simply the reaction of a spoiled, entitled brat who didn’t get his own way and who happens to have a grown-up’s job. Long and short, I don’t see it harming his electoral chances.

The custom is that train-wreck television interviews poll badly.

Not so badly to his base, I wouldn’t think. How many teachers will vote for him in a GOP primary or a general election? Almost none. Plus, now he gets to say “I stood up to them, tried to veto a tax increase, did everything I promised to do.” I mean, it looks dreadful to anyone who’d never vote for him, but to the kind of deplorable who would? The man’s a latter-day Robert E. Lee. And throw in a Trump tantrum and a gaslighting non-apology and Robert’s your mother’s brother: ergo, polling gold.

More nourishment for his Messiah complex.

Right. Although not as good as Marmite.

Vile. So on that note, I’m toast.

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