Joke Bill is ballsy, AG’s battles are tedious and cig tax falls short

Why the long face? Has the ceaseless pissing rain got you down?

No, not the weather. On the contrary: constant drizzle interrupted only by torrential downpours fills me with nostalgia for the Albion. I’m also hoping that the Ohio will turn your new gaff into a subaquatic curiosity. No, I’m worried that thanks to being the Toby Ziegler of LEO Weekly I’ll be offered the White House comms job, which my wife would force me to consider.

I know the world has gone really pear-shaped over the last year, but it’s not a Terry Gilliam nightmare yet, so I wouldn’t sweat it mate. While you’re undoubtedly a total wanker, you’re definitely not the sort of wanker they’re looking for.

Yes, I get it, and I sometimes feel like we’re the only two people who do get it. I’m not enough of a real villain. I’m not quite Paul Ryan or Mitch McConnell enough, eager to trade whatever tiny bit of decency and integrity I once had for a chance to kiss Trump’s ring.

Right. If you’re running the White House with a focus on doing the best job you can, like Obama and probably every president before him, even including Witless W., you look for people who might actually be good at whatever the job is. So being a normal administration you value experience and competence above everything else. But if you’re running the White House as a criminal enterprise, which Trump and his gang are, your top priority is appointing people who’re willing to join in the scam… but  people who, more importantly, are willing to do stir for you rather than rat you out.

I prefer to live my life unthreatened by charges of treason, which I gather are an inconvenience. It’s weird how the media spend endless hours talking about how Trump values loyalty above anything else without stopping to mention why he might value loyalty. Bizarre because it’s crystal. The moment you accept that this is a mob in the fundamentally criminal sense, understanding everything he does is infinitely easier.

Bingo. Frightened to say it. Anyway, enough with the national politics. I’m done with it until pretty-boy-failed-son-in-law gets indicted, which won’t belong. Anyway, a pat on the back for our local representation: Mary Lou Marzian and Jim Wayne hit the nail on the head with this joke bill to hand the state over to right-wing interest groups, although sadly this stunt won’t get anything like the publicity it deserves. It’s the kind of ballsy calling-out we need, the kind that shows total contempt for Republicans.

It seems as if Democrats are finally getting out of this mindset that says you have to be polite to people who disagree with you or you’re just as bad as they are. It’s total cobblers, always has been… as if people are ever going to respond to polite reasoning. They don’t, so you have to treat them with the unfiltered scorn they deserve. You have to nutmeg them; then, when they whine, nutmeg them again.

You forget that I nutmeg you relentlessly, in public, and the humiliation has so far only made you want to come back for more.

As my old Latin tutor would say, exceptio firmat regulam. The exception proves the rule.

Enough with the Latin, Little Lord Fauntleroy. The only tutor I’ve had is life, and an infinitely better education it got me. But speaking of nutmegging Republicans, Andy Beshear needs to get some better lines. “What you’re doing is illegal” just isn’t cutting the mustard anymore; people have tuned out, and Bevin provides such a rich seam of opportunity that calling him out for the hapless, revolting stool he is ought to be much more entertaining.

Attempting to address our shooting addiction by gun control is naïve, says the bloke who thinks the opioid epidemic can be tackled with prayer rocks?

So if a quarter-wit like you can do it, Beshear has no excuse. His battles with Bevin have become tedious — nobody cares anymore, which is daft just the way it is, especially when there are so many other fights going on across the state legislature. Speaking of which, aren’t you allegedly a finance-wonk or something? What do you think of this tax fight?

I’m stunned at how little we tax a packet of fags. A buck a pack makes sense, and if it means people start smoking fewer of them, all the better.

You were an enthusiastic smoker yourself once. Is there anything worse than a preachy ex-smoker?

Says the preachy teetotaler. But seriously, this is the smokingest state in the union or close to it, the lung-cancerest state in the union, and, outside of North Dakota and Virginia, the lowest-fags-pricingest state in the union, too. You don’t think those three could be connected, do you?

Hearing people say that raising taxes on ciggies hurts people is fucking bonkers, as if getting lung cancer is no biggie. I understand that an excise tax can prove to be an unreliable source of revenue in and of itself, but ultimately fewer people will die from smoking-related causes, which’ll put less strain on state budgets.

I’d take that trade. Still, the legislature is controlled by people who think Trump is a great businessman — despite knowing less about global economics than my 7-year-old — so I’m not getting my hopes up. When it comes to making sensible economic decisions, ave Imperator, morituri te salutant.

Ah, not unlike the Cards graciously accepting they got busted for cheating?

Exactly. Except the opposite.