Fake Issue 2018: Louisville Offers Amazon Entire City

Here’s LEO’s 2018 Fake Issue, complete with letters to the editor and op/eds and feature, news, music and food stories. First up is a LEO exclusive: Louisville gives entire city to Amazon for its new headquarters. To read the rest of this issue’s fakery, believe us when we say: use the index and blue hyperlinks below to easily navigate all of the satire from this year’s Fake Issue.

Feature Stories

Dan Canon rids Indiana of Pence taint, Jesus visits Kentucky, Gov. Bevin makes violent Bible games, Dan Johnsons change their names, bourbon snob says Pappy is just “OK,” LouVelo bikes turned into classroom guns, Haymarket Whiskey Bar has men-only night, the tawdry, trailer park tale of SCALA, Castleman statue is replaced with one of Ali and Klansman, state pensions funded with thoughts and prayers and state lawmakers not sure about ending child marriages.

Views

SCALA leader David Jones Sr.’s pact with the devil, Inside Out news blog eschews profits for handouts, Thorns and Roses takes on Courier Journal, tree ordinance and more…

News

Thorns and Roses takes on Courier Journal, tree ordinance and more…

Staff Picks

Baby cobra playtime for kids, Kim Davis album release party, homeless camp clearing, Omni Hotel unveils newest olive oil for really rich people, use your left turn signal this Sunday, Rick Pitino in Louisville for speaking tour and the mayor explains what he means by “compassionate city.”

Music

New festival to have food, bourbon, multicultural experience… and possibly bands, new half-filled venue to open and ghost of Waterfront Park cow to haunt Forecastle mosh and Completely Unimpressed rues the rise of rock.

Food

Mirin’s latest creations, beer community battles over Solo cup service, Omni Hotel’s speakeasy thwarts LEO reviewer and state lawmakers pass bill to provide restaurant workers with health insurance and sick leave.


Louisville to Amazon: Take the entire city for your new headquarters

Apologizes for ‘lame’ first application

Metro Louisville and state officials have deeded the entire city to Amazon as a last, desperate gambit to be chosen for the online retailer’s new headquarters, LEO Weekly has learned.

In an unpublicized, second application to Amazon, Mayor Greg Fischer, Gov. Matt Bevin and business leaders including David Jones Sr. offer to take the entire city by eminent domain and hand it over for the headquarters, according to documents leaked to LEO on spy microfilm hidden in a bathroom at Cherokee Park.

Louisville would be renamed Amazonville… or Loumazon… or Nashville, under the plan.

As a condition for choosing Louisville to build its second headquarters and owning the city, Amazon would be required to give each household in the metro area one Prime subscription for life, one Amazon T-shirt in XXL and one key chain.

Fischer told LEO in an exclusive interview that he believes residents of Louisville will understand why he is offering the entire city without their consent or any public debate.

“They should appreciate my progressive, pro-business leadership on this matter. Why should they care if Amazon owns the city? I have already given half the town to developers, after all,” Fischer said. “Part of the bargain is that we get Amazon swag, too, so there is that. But more important — we get to beat Nashville! Now, that would make us a world-class city!

The single-page document opens with several statements of apology from Fischer and others for the crappy first application, which was roundly dismissed as the work of a second-place ad agency. LEO Weekly was the only media to publish the contents of that application, which proposed “an incentive package totaling $2.5 billion over the next 20 years,” creating a water taxi on the Ohio River and gifting Amazon Butler State Park. [Ed. note: That part is not fake.]

One development official, whose name was redacted, apologized for the “lame” and “amateurish” first application, which Amazon rejected in favor of finalists including Nashville and Wakanda.

“For our first application, the best ad agency in the city didn’t want to help us, so we did it ourselves with the new Windows PowerPoint 2000, help from ‘Grant Writing for Dummies 2010’ and my brother-in-law, who has a communications degree,” the official wrote. “This new application was created by the best minds who would still take us seriously.”

Bevin apologized for having any part in the first effort to woo Amazon, noting that he is unqualified to do much of anything other than make bells, block critics on Twitter and blow dog whistles at teachers and other people with actual talent.

“I am much better in 280 characters, the same as my mentor, our Dear Leader,” he said in a tweet, which was reproduced for the application.

A video for the second application, recorded on state-of-the-art Beta, is titled “We Are So Sorry. Now, Take Our City.” It includes apologies in different languages from the cast members of the Louisville Downtown Partnership’s “I Go Downtown” video, who then break into the Feist song: “So Sorry.”

“We think Amazon will be impressed with our use of technology,” said Fischer.

The second application proposes that Amazon could use the Mercer Tower, formerly called the Aegon Center, as part of a lipstick or sex toy promotion, or perhaps for a missile, “ … if you want to take on Elon Musk and other rich people who harbor cosmological delusions.”

In addition to deeding the entire city to Amazon, the state has offered to hand over Red River Gorge so can it can be dammed for hydroelectric power to run the retailer’s massive warehouses and server farms. Bevin called the trade a “win-win,” as his coal cronies have wanted to mine there for ages. “Dig, baby, dig! Coal is back,” Bevin crowed. •


Haymarket

Haymarket rolls out ‘Safe Space Sundays,’ for men feeling threatened by #MeToo accusations

Haymarket whiskey bar has earmarked Sundays for area men finding it difficult to have a good time in an era when women have begun publicly naming their rapists and abusers.

“A bar, for true bourbon connoisseurs, is an intellectual environment,” said one customer. “But then a woman comes in, and suddenly everything is sexual. This is a great way for us to protect ourselves.”

His companion agreed. “People think sexual assault accusations define us as people, but we’re actually quite friendly — we love to share our opinions about politics, especially online.”

Haymarket owner Matthew Landan said he got the idea when he sued a woman who had accused him of rape (an allegation he denies). “I realized that there are support groups for people like her, but all I have is Reddit.” Pausing, he added, with a hint of bashfulness, “I guess it’s the typical underdog story.”

The rules for Sundays are clearly posted. Only one topic is off limits: sexual assault. Landan explained, “When one woman starts talking about it, they all join in. They remember every single thing every man has ever done to them. It’s almost obsessive.”

Safe Space Sundays aren’t without its critics.

“I saw the rape van online and was excited about it, but that’s not part of this,” said one customer, who left after just a few minutes. “It’s for non-commercial use only.”

All customers preferred to remain anonymous. •


Photo of Dan Canon by  Scotty Perry

Congressional Candidate Dan Canon pledges to rid Indiana of ex Gov. Pence taint

In his most audacious campaign promise, Indiana’s 9th District congressional candidate Dan Canon has vowed to remove the dreaded Mike Pence taint, which previously has proven resistant to even the most potent cleaners.

Described by Kentucky residents as “the smell of bad driving,” the Pence taint has defied scientists hoping to categorize the phenomena — an amorphous cloud of smell that continues to cling to a person well after they’ve left the state.

Canon, a Democrat, said he recognizes the potential for a national epidemic, perhaps carried beyond the borders of Indiana as disseminated by Vice President Mike Pence.

“As the worst of us, Pence in no way represents the ideals of Indiana, and his stench is a pestilence that we must hose off with the water of freedom. While Hoosiers have a long history of bad smells, Pence’s odor is the most egregious, like a stale, Taco Bell fart at a Klan rally, or the music of Kid Rock,” Canon told LEO.

Residents of Indiana are optimistic that Canon and his team of field scientists can finally rid them of the odor that has long haunted the population. According to Vernon Pile, a portable toilet steward in Jeffersonsville, “For real though, I just want to see my Kentucky cousins without them clowning me for something that I can’t even control. I feel like it’s a form of discrimination, if you think about it in your mind’s eye.”

Known for his work as a lawyer and activist, Canon said he has refocused on chemical engineering to help eradicate the Pence taint, described by some as a musty smell of failure and stale Cheetos, or a fog of malaise and self-doubt.

“Through my studies, I’ve come to learn that the Pence stink creates nose-blindness that Indiana natives can barely identify, but which other people avoid at all costs. We can scrub the world of that Pence taint with the help of truckloads of Axe Body Spray, which I believe will in turn enhance the nascent club scene across the state,” said Canon. •


Castleman Statue Replaced With Muhammad Ali Punching A Klansman Statue

Now defaced twice, the John B. Castleman statue, which for many represents the worst of Jim Crow America’s whitewashing, has been removed and replaced by a statute of the Double Greatest punching a member of the KKK in the dick.

Gone but not forgotten, Ali was a renowned voice for social injustice, and many consider it a grave injustice that he did not have the opportunity to brutalize members of the Klan in a bare-knuckle beating.

The outspoken boxer, famous for refusing to serve in Vietnam, is now immortalized doing what he loved best — boxing and punching racists where it hurts the most.

The statue depicts Ali in his prime throwing a wicked left jab at the groin of a Klansmen, while one attempts to run away, and another has visibly pissed their pants. The statue will face Cherokee Park to remind residents that the specter of racism will always suffer the threat of being punched in the nuts by a prominent boxing figure, both figuratively and literally. Ali’s frame will be cast in titanium to reflect the primal strength of his figure as an athlete, a provocateur and an inspiration for Antifa nationwide.

Local commentators noted the disrespect to the Castleman name, saying that replacing the statue was an affront to history.

“It just ain’t right. I get all my history from statues, and wouldn’t know no different otherwise. Castleman was a hero, and you can tell because he rides a horse and pissed of liberals,” said Gomer Pudd, a retired baby boomer.

Still, while the removal of the statue initially caused an uproar in the local community, it was soon forgotten, erased from memory as the statue was replaced. •


State legislature unsure about marrying kids or not

Often faced with daunting legal decisions, state lawmakers had difficulty with a law that would change the age of marrying children to 18 years of age.

Lawmakers were perplexed by the concept that adulthood is somehow relative to age and the ability to make decisions and agree to consent. Opponents of the bill argued that government should not decide the legal age of consent.

“We should not expect the nanny state to rule over children under the age of 18. They should pull themselves up by the bootstraps and make decisions about who they can and should marry at a young age, so long as their parents first ordain it,” said state Sen. Billy Joe McFee, a Boone County Republican.

When pressed on questions regarding the idea of arranged marriages, McFee and other senators balked at the idea, decrying it as beneath “Western” culture and “our freedoms.”

Kentucky says 18 is an appropriate age to consent to join military efforts or purchase cigarettes and pornography, but some lawmakers asserted that marriage is a sacred vow between man and child and sometimes their parents.

“What we understand,” said Republican Sen. Freddie Fauxner, “is that we can best relate to minds unshaped by liberal corruption, who have neither the time nor the agency to argue against the morals that the good Lord gave us to multiply on this green Earth. We crave supple minds, free of ideas like consent or flighty feminist things, which are gross and stupid to real men.”

No one objected to males under 18 getting married, but a round of high fives went up among certain lawmakers who thought that such a thing would be totally awesome all the same. •


Compassion Lounge

New Butchertown stadium to honor homeless with upscale ‘compassion lounge’

Responding to public outrage over the razing of homeless camps to make way for the new Butchertown stadium, Louisville City FC investors are planning a “compassion lounge” where members can watch sports, have a cocktail and contemplate the homeless problem.

“We discovered our passion for the homeless when we saw how angry everyone was about the encampment we razed,” the project manager explained.

The honor is more than just a plaque on the wall. Any homeless person displaced by the stadium will receive Louisville City FC season tickets — excluding home games — and an iTunes gift card.

There is also a partnership with local artists in the works, for a mural that depicts the harsh realities of life on the streets. “The initial pitch was for portraits, but we’ve decided to move toward an abstract interpretation,” our contact said. “Otherwise, it’s too depressing. At this point, the best way to describe it is a blue square.”

An early report on the project incorrectly stated that the lounge would host actual homeless people, but that is not the case. “Not in the compassion lounge. That’s a place for members to meditate on gratitude and escape the crowds. And if things go as expected, we’ll have a lot of conversations about homelessness in this lounge. And how truly blessed we are.” •


Jesus Returns To Most Biblical State: Kentucky

It worked — it actually worked. Gov. Matt Bevin’s plan to turn Kentucky into a state worthy of the Old Testament has attracted the attention of God.

On Easter Sunday, as Bevin stepped out of the mega-church he attends, what can be described only as a divine playground slide opened up through the clouds and out of the bottom slid Jesus Christ.

“What up party people! I’m back!”

Bevin began to sob uncontrollably, which really bummed out Jesus.

“Come on dude, you’re killing my high…”

Bevin, overwhelmed with pride, asked to take Jesus on a tour of his state. But after only a day of seeing how Bevin treated the homeless, drug addicted and pretty much everyone who wasn’t a rich Christian, Jesus condemned his actions.

“This is pretty weak dude… You should be less of a douche,” said Jesus.

Bevin, confused, asked Jesus why he had come here if he didn’t approve of his actions? Jesus said his dad told him to.

“My dad was all like, ‘Go tell Bevin I like the cut of his jib,’ or whatever, and I was like ‘I can’t, ODB is playing in heaven tonight!’ But he was like ‘you and your New Testament friends are pussies!’ So, yeah, here I am. But I think I’m gonna bounce.”

Since then, Jesus has been seen partying with drag queens, hosting foodie parties for the homeless and playing hoops with “gang members.” •


Rash of Dan Johnsons to change their names after local dan johnson scandals

Dan Johnsons across Kentucky and into Southern Indiana have been legally changing their names following scandals tied to former Metro Councilman Dan Johnson and the late state Rep. Dan Johnson.

“Anytime I told someone my name, they would either break out laughing or punch me in the taint,” said Rod B. Good, a Louisville resident formerly named… Dan Johnson. “It got so my wife couldn’t even look me straight in the eye.”

Local courts and county clerks also confirmed the wide-scale movement for name changes. But they could not explain the choice of replacement names, all of them seemingly single entendres for… penises.

“Just last week, I had to ask the state’s chief presiding clerk whether it was OK to let someone change his name to Tommy Banana,” said Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis. “He told me he had gotten used to the dick jokes, but he couldn’t handle the outrage.”

In an exclusive telephone interview with LEO, former Councilman Johnson said he was keeping his name, as far as he knew. “My pants might fall down a lot, but my name is staying on me,” Johnson said, adding, that he had to cut short the interview because his pants had fallen down. •


Bikes for Bullets

‘Bikes for Bullets’: LouVelo bikes upcycled into guns for teachers

The highly-anticipated, but ultimately ignored, LouVelo bike stations will be removed this summer, as they are upcycled into guns in the first SCALA-endorsed change for JCPS.

The move comes after research found that 98 percent of LouVelo rentals are used for Instagram photo ops and returned in under 15 minutes.

Logistical Coordinator Andy Montana told us that “Bikes for Bullets” is indicative of a new direction in public schools. “Guns are actually all around us, if we use our imaginations. See that playground? Boom, it’s a gun. That old school bus? Thirty guns.”

Amidst cuts to arts programs, there has been talk about repurposing marching band students — and their equipment — into a security force. “It makes sense,” said the SCALA rep. “Those band kids already have a lot of discipline, and when you think about it, a gun isn’t very different from a saxophone.” He quickly added, “We’re not going to go crazy — they’re kids, so they’ll get something small, like a 9mm Glock.”

When reached for comment, Mayor Fischer expressed mixed emotions. “Louisville imagines itself an artsy city,” said Mayor Greg Fischer. “We’re hands-on and environmentally aware — I think this really adds to that aesthetic. Just think about it: Our schools will be filled with small-batch weapons. But do we want guns in schools at all? We’ll have to figure that out later.” •


Area Man Discovers Pappy Van Winkle is ‘OK’

Donning a “Save Water Drink Bourbon” T-shirt over his medium frame and beer belly, Louisville resident and whiskey enthusiast Julian Hayden, 41, shocked his friends and acquaintances when he announced Friday that his bottle of 15-year Pappy Van Winkle bourbon was “OK.”

“I mean, it’s fine,” he said between sips, circling his nose around the rim of the glass to absorb the vanilla and oak notes of the wheat-forward spirit. “I can’t really tell the difference between this and, like, that bottle of Weller 12 over there,” he said, referring to W.L. Weller.

“Except that bottle of Weller I got from Old Town [Liquors] didn’t separate me from a few hundred bucks and five goddamn hours of my life,” he said.

Hayden secured his bottle during last fall’s Pappy Day release at Liquor Barn. While celebrities of the food and drink world such as  Anthony Bourdain and David Chang extol the virtues of the brand, only 7,000 cases go to market each year — creating an induced demand with inflated prices. “Fuckin’ Buffalo Trace makes this?!” Hayden said upon learning that Pappy Van Winkle isn’t a distillery.

“Shit fire,” he said, shaking his head.

On why he battled crowds and frugality to take home a bottle of the Family Reserve, Hayden said, “Man, I just wanted to say I got one.” Hayden said he doesn’t plan on waiting in any more long lines or spending exorbitant amounts of money until the next iPhone drops. •


Kentucky GOP: Teacher Pensions To Be Funded By Thoughts and Prayers

Facing threats from what Gov. Matt Bevin calls teacher union “thugs,” he made the bold decision to fund their pensions with thoughts and prayers, a valuable currency among the Republican elite.

While Bevin considers the protesting teachers to be selfish, he has altruistically committed the full resources of the state Republican Party to unleash their thoughts and prayers. The only previous time that has occurred is when lawmakers were faced with the possibility of something unfavorable for the NRA or guns.

While the governor recently cut pension funding in favor of funding state employees and police — a move certainly not meant as retribution or to benefit himself and his cohorts — Bevin believes his gesture will assuage growing concerns among the teachers. Although initially intending to invest the teachers’ pension at the Horseshoe Casino and on Kentucky Derby hopeful, Papa’s New Sack, a dappled stallion, Bevin has shifted his focus to the spiritual well-being of the state’s educators. He believes it is this shift in attention that will encourage educators to fall in line and just deal with it.

“Honestly, it’s these educators who are the real problem to begin with. When I’ve needed money in the past to bail out the business that I inherited, I didn’t just go to the government for a handout, I did it because I deserved it. If teachers weren’t so greedy for money and bent on the indoctrination of our youth into anti-American things like facts and statistics, then they would see why they truly are undeserving of any reward beyond their retirement. What they need is a spiritual cleansing to awaken their souls to the virtues of taking money away from those who need it and claim it for my own, just as Jesus would do,” said Bevin.

Bevin was later seen tweeting at educators, while throwing prayer rocks at schools. •


SCALA chart

Trailer-Park Tryst Sinks SCALA

Louisville was shocked yesterday by the news of an unseemly domestic disturbance in the family of David A. Jones Sr., who is leader of Steering Committee for Action by Louisville’s Aristocracy, or SCALA. It has threatened the group’s continued existence.

According to Louisville police reports, it began when Jones decided to stake out the Trailer Park Home (The East End historical landmark built by pioneer William A. Trailer and later owned by railroad tycoon Preston O. Park) where his son, David A. Jones Jr. was staying — all in a bold effort to catch him in a tryst with the elder Jones’ political consort Mayor Greg Fischer.

Peering through the steamy pane of a fully-restored, double-casement window, he saw the two men wrapped in a passionate neoliberal embrace. This so angered Jones Sr. that he fell off the crouching out-of-town educational consultant he was standing on to see better.

The loud crunch of consultant bones alerted the young Jones who charged out and allegedly began beating his father with a thick report on charter schools, before trying to choke him with a bumper sticker from his failed school board campaign.

Recovering, Jones Sr. then fled to the sanctuary of the Pin + Proof bar in the new Omni Louisville Hotel where the police eventually found the two Joneses glowering at each other as an abashed Fischer nursed a Red Light Negroni. Junior was then booked and fingerprinted; all three men listed their profession as “wealth supremacist” in the police report.

Later, a still-livid David Jones Sr. deleted SCALA’s secret website and dissolved its super PAC.

“I’m done! SCALA is dead,” he told reporters. “The press has won. That [explicative] Ryan Fenwick can be mayor for all I care.” •


Want your school with guns or without? Thanks, SCALA.

Set your calendar forward: Time has flown, and Gov. Matt Bevin and the dweebs at SCALA have successfully concluded their putsch at the Jefferson County Public Schools, and all the rules have changed.

In a dramatic compromise between the NRA backers and a citizen group led by student activists, JCPS schools have been divided into two categories: gun-free campuses and open-carry campuses. In a weird, new take on busing, students and their families may choose to sign up for transportation to a campus where nobody carries a gun; or they may strap on a holster and opt to be bused to a facility where everyone carries.

The “Carry or Don’t” program has been in place for a year now. How is this working out for us? There’s certainly been plenty of action, so let’s look at the numbers.

First the good news: There have been only 182 deaths attributable to gun violence during the past school year. Even with the precipitous decline from 100,900 students to only 64,500 after many families fled the newly-armed (or not) schools, that’s only about 3/10 of 1 percent. “Lost in the statistical noise,” SCALA guru J. David Grissom hoarsely whispered. “Collateral damage.” Forty of the fatal shots were self-inflicted, mostly in accidents related to improperly secured weapons. Fully, 60 deaths occurred in the Great Massacre at Germantown Middle School, an armed school, where warfare reportedly broke out over the questions on an American Literature exam. There were 10 suicides.

SCALA ignored open-records requests for data on non-fatal gun injuries, and Grissom declined a follow-up verbal request with a silent sneer and a discreet hand gesture. A deep, data analysis by Louisville Public Media estimated, however, that there were at least 1,000 injuries requiring hospitalization and 10,000 more requiring only first aid.

No gun deaths occurred in no-carry schools. SCALA leader David Jones Jr., a former school board chairman, declined to speculate in detail about possible reasons for this.

“Coincidence, probably,” he said with a shrug. •


Gov. Bevin replaces violent video games with violent Bible games

Divine inspiration has struck Gov. Matt Bevin, who claimed violent video games were at the root of recent school shootings, including one in his own state that killed two kids and injured 18.

Bevin said he prayed for guidance in his office.

“I asked: ‘What can I do Lord? Should I invest in mental health programs? Take legislative action to prevent guns from falling into dangerous hands?’ And I heard him respond, clear as day. In a booming voice he said, ‘Nah, bruh — the real problem is all these wack-ass video games … You know what you should do? You should make a video game about everything I’ve done! That would be sick.’”

Bevin said he replied, “Your will shall be done,” and he then embarked on a courageous journey to change the face of video games.

That next morning, he posted a video on Twitter asking for help.

“I’m calling on anyone who is in a position of influence, every CEO of every media company that produces a video game that is violent in its nature. We’ve got to step our game up, and I am willing to offer funding to anyone who produces a video game about the Bible.”

Bevin’s call did not go unheard, as the video game industry responded with a variety of biblical video games.

In “Defend The Ark!” you play as Noah as he shoots arrows at, and chops the limbs off of, people clinging to the Ark to survive the great flood.

“Wilderness Slaughter,” where you play as a Levite commanded by Moses to kill the Israelites who built the golden idol.

There is “Cain vs. Abel,” a graphic fighting game similar to “Mortal Kombat,” and “Crucifixion Simulator” where you play as a Roman crucifying Jesus and countless games revolving around the Book of Revelations.

When Bevin saw what he had done, he returned to his office to pray for forgiveness. This time, the aroma of marijuana accompanied God’s booming voice, as he said “Yo, I can forgive you dawg, but you gotta legalize it! Ya feel me?!”

It was later discovered that an intern with a bullhorn had been hiding in Bevin’s office to smoke weed on his breaks. •


Your Views 

On: editor’s note — take your hopes, prayers and shove them

Great editorial, Yarmouth Jr. Reminds me of the days when Yarmouth Sr. wrote for The LEO. — Aaron Yarmouth

You libtard snowflakes don’t know anything other than trying to pry my guns from my cold, dead hands.
— Amiri King [Ed. note: Yup.]

On: Omni Hotel grocery — a half foods for the rich

Sure, the city should have held the Omni to a stricter standard for the grocery store. But we didn’t want to screw the goose, like we did by losing Wal-Mart and FoodPort. — Mayor Greg Fischer

on: uofl rehires jurich and pitino,
issues apology, adds $2 million bonuses

That is great! —Said No One Ever

on: white people — here are 10 requests from a black lives matter leader

Thank you, Chanelle, for writing such a wonderful piece , flushing out all of the closeted and overt racists and proving that we are not in a post-racial society. —Barrack Obama

Thank you, Chanelle, for helping us divide the U.S. and sow dissention. You fit right into our propaganda plan. —Vladimir Putin 

on: scala’s next project —  why so many head shops on bardstown road?

Simple: because everyone smokes dope! —Mitch McConnell

on: many dan johnsons change names after two dan johnson scandals 

I cannot believe he wants to change his name to BJ Peters. What a douche. — Justin Beaver

Gawd. How juvenile. How many dick jokes are you guys going to make? — Man Standing on Lawn
[Ed. note: Until we run out, or find funnier fart jokes.]

on: courier journal quietly killing printed paper by jacking up price and
publishing stories online weeks earlier

Shhh! Who said that? —Joel Christopher, CJ executive editor

Someone called me an dick?! —Joe Gerth. CJ metro columnist

on: shane peabody powell
‘smoke an owl’

Disgraceful, LEO! I cannot believe you printed this trash. Why must you perpetuate violence against animals? — Lady with Cats [Ed. note: He is referring to a joint, a blunt… marijuana.] 

Clarification:

Due to an editing error, not everything in LEO’s Fake Issue is fake… or even funny.


David Jones Sr. on SCALA’s actual secrets: ‘We do have a pact with Satan’

Discovery of the Steering Committee for Action on Louisville’s Agenda, or SCALA, has concerned residents and the media over the group’s intentions and potential for forcing change through its money and influence. SCALA has said it wants to study — and recommend solutions for — the city’s crime problem, poor performance in schools and the lack of direct flights to just about anywhere other than Destin, Florida. LEO snagged an exclusive interview with SCALA leader, former Humana cofounder David Jones Sr. while eight homeless people carried him on a settee along Main Street.

LEO: Let’s get right down to a major criticism of the group. Did you intend for SCALA to be a secret organization, and if so, why?

David Jones Sr.: Yes and no. We really rich, connected, powerful people do not want you self-appointed busybodies in our, er, business. But I am shocked that a group of 70 or so people — people as important as we are — could meet for a year before anyone wrote about it. It just shows how lame and out of touch the local media is. My son had to leak the story to his Insider Louisville, but even they screwed it up. That said, we did fashion the group after the Illuminati, because, you know, we do have a pact with Satan. I mean, how else do you think we got to where we are with so little? Skill? Hard work? As if.

Satan, I see. Well, why do you feel it is OK to use your power and influence to go outside of the democratic processes?

You see, there you go… Our privilege entitles us to tell you all what to do. Each has earned leadership of a substantial entity in the voluntary, religious, education or private sector. I came from nothing, a child of The Depression, one of many whose fathers was unemployed. We had little money but lots of love and library books. And Satan.

Satan, again, huh? So should we just do away with elections and let oligarchs run the city and state? And… well, they already run the country.

The short answer is: Yes. The longer answer is: We already do! Why do you think [Mayor Greg] Fischer is the only… uh, elected… official in this invite-only group? Oligarch. Minor oligarch, but one nonetheless. Why do you think lobbyists spend millions of dollars a year in Frankfort? Not for their health, unless you count those steak dinners and back-room martinis. Look, the business of this country has always been business. Even the U.S. Supreme Court says corporations have free-speech rights. So this is us speaking.

But doesn’t Louisville already have a chamber of commerce, Greater Louisville Inc.?

Ha, ha, ha! [Several minutes of laughing.] The only commerce they are encouraging is their own, right? Notice that [GLI CEO Kent] Oyler is not in SCALA?

So you want the state to take over the schools? Why would this be beneficial?

Actually, I want my son to take over the schools. He was ousted from the school board by socialist [Chris] Kolb, so now we have a chance to cut him off at his weak knees. Scoundrel. Back in my day, we had tar, feathers and a rail to run them out on…

Why would this be good for the kids and the community, though?

I am not sure. But that is not the point. Nothing ever improves if it stays the same. In business, you take big risks, swing for the fences and maybe hit a home run once every few games. Louisville schools are failing. Just ask Bevie [Gov. Matt Bevin]. Of course, think of all of the money that can be made by opening private schools and funneling public funds into them. Let the marketplace decide who provides the best education.

What about Louisville’s homicide and opioid problems? As the former CEO of a healthcare company, do you believe the opioid problem is a health issue or a crime issue?

I say let them all kill themselves and overdose. I mean, really. We make choices in our lives. And, besides, none of this touches any of us.

Seriously?

No. I say spend more money on outfitting police with the latest military gear. That will scare the murder out of those miscreants. •


Inside Out Louisville: Local news blog eschews profit, sees big future in handouts

By Sally Geese  |  sgeese@insideoutlouisville.com

You may have heard that Inside Out Louisville is seeking nonprofit status. Some of you… OK, most of you… thought that Inside Out already was not profitable. Even IO’s major investor and majordomo David The Vanquished conceded: “You can’t make money publishing real local news.”

Well, that’s the beauty of nonprofit, sillies!

Before deciding to go nonprofit, we raised $1.5 million in 2016… burned through that. But I have good news for all of our well-heeled investors who stuck with us despite our unreasonably-high overhead and fuzzy business plan! Now, you can write off your… er, donations… on your taxes! (At least, I think so. I am no accountant.)

We still will run sponsored content, such as:

Sponsored

Magik Touch Massage

A happy ending for every story

and…

Sponsored

Humanoid Healthcare

We get coverage we want — you can, too!

Oh, don’t get your high-horse panties in a twist. Just because we accept gifts, grants and sponsorships from individuals, organizations and foundations — even allowing business to sponsor specific areas of coverage or stories — we will stick by the same rock-solid journalistic ethics that haven’t gotten us sued… yet. We will make public all supporters who give $5,000 or more per year. As a nonprofit, nonpartisan news organization, we will avoid accepting donations from anonymous sources. [Pro tip: multiple gifts of $4,999 in small bills placed in a brown bag and dropped by the door, please.] So what if we take money? That rag LEO Weekly runs ads. Don’t you think editors there get their marching orders from the plastic surgeons and titty bars littering their pages every week?

Here’s big news! The James Graham Brown-Noser Foundation just gave us a $500,000 grant, its largest this year. We understand this was a bit a of a departure for the Foundation, the first programmatic grant for nonprofit journalism. I guess it didn’t hurt that our former investors know every whale in town. Like, for instance, several members of the Brown-Noser Foundation board are members of the Steering Committee for Action on Louisville’s Agenda, or SCALA, which David The Vanquished and his dad, David The Vanquisher, created to subvert democratic rule in the city with their money and influence. (We broke that story, by the way, and David The Vanquished did not leak it to us, much.) Oh, and even better — he said IO has obtained “commitments from individuals” of “slightly more” than the $500,000 grant.

We are rich! But you are not? No problem. Anyone can donate! Why invest in membership? Well, for instance, if you become an IOu-er for $10 a month, you get “donor wall recognition,” but for $25 a month, you can become an IOu-evenmore-er and get VIP access to IO symposiums. (I think we had 10 people at the last one, but creative cropping made it look bigger.)

More important, you get to be part of IO’s mission to prop up our claim that we are “our community’s source for indispensable local news.” You know, like when a new restaurant opens, or whatever comes across our desks in press releases. You may recall when that nasty LEO Weekly called us a “dragnet of a website.” Well, at least no one calls us a blog anymore… Hey, we have Big Scoops, such as the aforementioned SCALA story. Sure, we made too much about finding a secret hidden in plain sight, and the story lost focus by not clearly explaining SCALA’s intent and impact, and we should’ve disclosed far sooner that David The Vanquished is a SCALA member and investor. But, then, there was our piece on a Gov. Matt Bevin crony whom UofL was poised to hire. Sure, we missed the lede on that, too — how could UofL hire a $200,000-a-year teacher as Bevin tries to cut its budget? We promise to do better when we use the grant to buy… I  mean, hire more writers. (We plan to drain the freelancer pool by outspending other media, that is, until the Benjamins run dry.)

And as you might expect, Inside Out also has a robust social media presence, especially that of our lovable, curmudgeon, grand inquisitor Java Sanka, who tweets like a woodpecker on meth. (I wish he would file stories sooner, but wait! I keep forgetting — no deadline on the internet.)

So, now that you understand IO better, please help us revolutionize Louisville’s news media by proving that rich people will pay for your free content online… because advertisers.


Gov Matt Bevin TMZ
Thorns & Roses

Thorns & Roses

Impossible to fake (It’s real)  |  Thorn
State lawmakers could conduct the public’s business on their private cell phones, and they would not be compelled to disclose what was said or texted. Yup, that’s how House Bill 302 is written for now. Another Stalin-esque bill moving through during the last days of the session is HB 373 — new restrictions on public viewing of footage from police body cameras.

Who is the joke?  |  Thorn
Mayor Greg Fischer finally relented by declaring Louisville a sanctuary city. Almost immediately, President tRump tweeted that he would pull all federal funding from the city. Fischer then rescinded the declaration, saying: “Jkng! Love you, T-Bone!”

Honk if you believe  |  Absurd
What looked like Muhammad Ali’s gold medal from the 1960 Rome Olympics washed up from the Ohio River during the Great Flood of 2018. It turned out to be chocolate wrapped in gold foil and a note, which said: “Honkies sure bought into that one!”

Perchance to dream…  |  Thorn
U.S. Sen. Mitch McConnell bought two, full-page ads in Courier Journal in which he apologized for screwing up the country and setting the foundation for Donald tRump’s election. Wrote McConnell: “When you get to a certain age and look back at the wreckage of your life, you begin to make amends.” Residents with pitchforks and torches outside of his mansion did not accept his apology. CJ, however, was happy to have an ad other than ones for Amish heaters and hearing aids.

UofL’s new president: punchy  |  Thorn
UofL trustees passed over president candidates including the enormously qualified Dr. Ricky L. Jones in favor of hiring an actual punching bag. “We might as well call the president’s office what it is,” said board Chairman J. David Grissom, adding that trustees also were honest with themselves — they specified the punching bag is for lightweights, not heavyweights.

Council never out on a limb  |  Thorn
The Metro City Council passed a tree ordinance after deliberating for more than a year. The new rules require absolutely nothing in regards to trees, but council members noted that they had saved trees by making the ordinance only half a page.


Staff Picks 

Kids With Cobras

Right After Feeding Time
From The Creators Of Tiger Baby Playtime: ‘Cobras With Kids’
That roadside zoo in Southern Indiana
So, here’s the deal: That dude in Southern Indiana with all the super dangerous, gnarly, wild animals in cages in his backyard had his world famous Tiger Baby Playtime shutdown by some dipshit judge, so he’s bringin’ out the cobras. “Cobras With Kids,” as he’s calling it, has all the same ingredients — small children and wild animals — but this time he’s pivoting from mammals to reptiles, which automatically bypasses any sort of court order. The kids, layered in Kevlar and given flutes to calm the snakes (who will not be defanged, because that’s fucked up), will enter an old, octagon-shaped MMA ring that’s been converted into a jungle-themed snake cage, where they’ll interact with, and attempt to, dodge various types of cobras — from the bad-boy King Cobra, to the handsome Monocled Cobra, to the super-venomous, extremely-agile war machine and final boss, the Caspian Cobra. —LEO


Possibility: 30
Mayor Greg Fischer Explains ‘Compassionate City’
Somewhere with a cool backdrop  |  Whenever he needs to deflect criticism
After coming under fire for not declaring Louisville a sanctuary city, while reports circled that the LMPD was working with ICE to target immigrants, Mayor Greg Fischer has decided to formally announce what he means by the term he frequently uses, “Compassionate City.” The phrase seems to fall in the gray area between not caring at all and actually doing something proactive, but Fischer said the tag line for the city is a profound and powerful thing. In a press release for the event, he described it as “a social contract to the thousands of Louisvillians who dream for a better tomorrow, and, as a government, we will continue to dream with you. I mean, we could actually do something or whatever, but then the Feds and the Commonwealth might pull their funding for cool legacy projects, and I like cool legacy projects.” —LEO


When it rains next
Let’s Clear Out A Homeless Encampment
Louisville Anti-Compassion League  |  Too many places  |  Search Facebook
Tired of those tired liberals and their tired compassion rants? Want to teach your kids the values that made you hard, jaded and self-loathing? Join the Louisville Anti-Compassion League’s spring homeless encampment clear out, during which you will evict homeless people and destroy their belongings with no notice and certainly no cares. This is one in a series of events the group has held, including last summer’s Report Any Brown People to ICE and, in December, Steal From Salvation Army Buckets. —LEO


After mass
Kim Davis Album Release Party
The Vatican (Just kidding: the far left side of the Wal-Mart parking lot)
Kim Davis, that lady who became a pseudo-celebrity among hard-lining right-wingers for being awful, is set to release a companion Christian folk album with her new book. The album, I Refused To Do My Job, And Now I’m Sort Of Famous, is a concept record about denying people basic human rights. The somehow current county clerk of Rowan County refused to sign a marriage certificate for a gay couple and was justifiably arrested. Now, she is making cash from a book about it, so she decided to double down on her profiteering and cut an album, which features songs including “Stuck In Jail With The Jesus Mumblin’ Blues Again,” “God’s Got The Whole World In His Hands (But Should Honestly Just Flood It Again)” and “Please Don’t Forget About Me Until I Net Seven Figures.” She’ll also be signing house cats as long as they’re baptized. —LEO


Once a week
Omni Hotel Unveils Latest Olive Oil
Omni Hotel  |  400 S. Second St.  |
justforrichpeople.com  |  $25-$250  |  7 p.m.
Come celebrate from afar with rich people who can afford the Omni Hotel Falls City Market’s latest olive oil: Multo Bene Olivio Oilio super extra virgin $$$. Each two-ounce bottle costs $250. This is the latest addition to the Omni’s vast offering of olive oils, which now takes up the entire market. Gone is the overpriced produce and the one bag of flour. For the unveiling, proof of income is required to get close to the oil. For plebes who do not make the cut, stadium seating will be provided for a small fee of $25. —LEO


After Hours
Rick Pitino’s Speaking Tour:
‘How To Beat The Press’
A neighborhood Italian joint
Former UofL men’s basketball Coach Rick Pitino survived multiple scandals, the first dating to before Led Zeppelin broke up, before the FBI finally scared someone into punishing him last year. And now he returns to Louisville as part of his speaking tour. Titled “How To Beat The Press,” Pitino aims to provide the audience with his tried-and-proven, 10-step method for doing shady shit and avoiding ramifications during an investigation — from step No. 1, blindly denying any wrongdoing, to step No. 10, making cash off of whatever you’re accused of. Mimicking the speech he gave in 2000 when the then-coach of the Boston Celtics flipped out on his own team’s fans, Pitino recently said at a speaking event in Denver: “The local police are not walking through that door. The FBI is not walking through that door. If you’re waiting for that, you’re going to be gray and old. I’m too rich and famous to be arrested.” —LEO


Sunday!
Left Turn Signal Sunday
The Pro Turn Signal Association
dontbeadipshit.org
On a road or highway near you  |  Free
You are invited to use your left turn signal this Sunday when you are driving and want to turn left. As an extra challenge, use the turn signal before you actually make the turn! The Pro Turn Signal Association said it plans to organize a Right Turn Signal event soon. Until then, you are free to keep driving like a dipshit! —LEO


Music 

NXT LVL FE$T

New music festival features high-end food and booze, ‘a multitude of cultural experiences’… possibly some bands 

Claiming a shortage of area music festivals to go along with a “plethora of underutilized spaces,” a group of circling carpetbaggers has announced NXT LVL FE$T.

“It’s just a cutting-edge music festival with a multitude of cultural experiences,” promoter Sebastian Allen said. “We provide this sort of choose-your-own-adventure thing, where you, like, augment reality for three days by diving into a bunch of different situations that you’ve never paid witness to before. Our aim is to totally change the way people currently perceive the way society is engineered.”

There will be a football field-size tent with top-shelf liquor and more than 300 area chefs, who will plant, grow, harvest and cook all of their food each day, serving it at “market rates” for the duration of the festival. But, that’s just the beginning of what makes this festival different from all the others, Allen said.

NXT LVL FE$T will also include:

• A 1950’s style dance marathon that will be announced on the radio

• A roundtable discussion on what Friedrich Nietzsche would think about Twitter

• A competition for who can make the best GIF of David Byrne

• A hologram of Hillary Clinton winning the election

• A two-part documentary about the people who got trapped on that island at Frye Fest last year

• A maze that mimics The Lost Woods in The Legend Of Zelda

• A 3-D simulator of what it’s like to ride the city bus

There are also VIP options:

For $2,000, you get The Super Roadie Showcase, where you stand a little bit closer to the stage, with a private bar that carries the same drinks at the same prices.

For $5,000 you get the Keith Richards Special, where you tell a bunch of chemistry students what kind of high you like to be, and then they make it happen.

For $7,000, you get the Traveling Band Upgrade, where you and your friends get access to a houseboat that’s also a Land Rover for maximizing mileage.

For $10,000 dollars, you can have the Super-Charged Rock Star Experience, where you parachute out of a plane into “the most epic stage dive off all time.”

No bands have been announced at this time, but Allen said to check the NXT LVL FE$T website in a couple of weeks for updates. Tickets start at $400.


Another half-empty music venue to open

Without researching market trends in local tickets sales or noticing the crop of venues that have come and gone throughout the city in recent years, live music fan, self-described “beer nerd” and local attorney Chad Thompkins plans to open a new, live music venue in Louisville’s Schnitzelburg area.

“I love live music. Like me, I think there are tons of people in Louisville who can’t get enough live music, and want more of it, every single night of the week,” said Thompkins, blissfully unaware of three entertainment venues within a one-mile radius of his Shelby Street lot, each of which serve a ticket-buying community of perhaps a few thousand.

Thompkins revealed this week the name, Nevermind Music Hall, referencing his favorite album. “I mean, what a great band, the best,” Thompkins said. Starting from the ground up, the music hall plans to build out a 450-person capacity venue with state-of-the-art sound production, a VIP area and an industrial-chic aesthetic.

“We’re gonna have it all, seven days a week — blues, alternative rock, rap, electronica, some rockin’ tributes, maybe some local bands to give them a platform, anything that sounds just awesomesauce,” said Thompkins, who admitted he has no experience in the music industry.

“Being in this cool, really authentic part of town, it’s like the Kevin Costner movie, if you book it they will come,” said Thompkins, who has not yet consulted any of the city’s handful of independent promoters about how often their rooms are actually filled to capacity.

The Nevermind Music Hall will directly compete with well-established rooms including Zanzabar, Kaiju and Headliners Music Hall, Mercury Ballroom, owned by the national conglomerate LiveNation, and the forthcoming venue in Paristown Pointe, a public-private investment to create an entertainment district in the area.

Nevermind Music Hall will also compete with the variety of massive festivals throughout the region in warmer months.

Thompkins isn’t worried about the bubble bursting, though. “Look, I have good taste, I know what I’m doing, and it’s gonna be totes awesome,” he said. “And these other venues don’t even have bottle service.” •


Billy Corgan

Smashing Pumpkins Change Venue to Kaiju

During a recent, mostly-nonsensical temper tantrum, Billy Corgan announced the upcoming Smashing Pumpkins reunion tour will move from the KFC Yum Center to the much smaller, local staple Kaiju.

Corgan has termed the move “pragmatic,” explaining that the cozy nature of the room will allow a much homier, organic feel than would the stadium show for which they had over-budgeted.

“It’s not about all those failed music publications full of flunkies publishing lies about ticket presales going poorly in these enormous venues we booked. That’s fake news. It’s sad,” Corgan said. “It’s about making small venues great again. Rock and roll has been intellectually corrupt for a long time, and I’ve nominated myself to save it.”

Corgan assured members of the Louisville press that Kaiju is an excellent spot to not only see the theatrical display of Wig-Corgan, an hourlong pre-show, presentation of Billy Corgan trying on wigs and various hats, but also for a post-show meet-and-greet Goldeneye tournament. Please note, players are required to sign a non-compete clause to participate, and they are not allowed the use of any weapons other than the PP7 (although players are not allowed to use the gold or silver versions, and the silenced version may be used only if Corgan is allowed to screen watch).

“My advice is just to let him win, because he’ll just say you cheated and smash the game if you don’t, because that’s just who Billy is,” a former Smashing Pumpkins bass player who chose to remain anonymous said. “Back in the ‘90s, I remember him pressing the reset button when Eddie Vedder got hot with the Sniper Rifle. Then he threatened to cancel the event. But, it was a festival, and he eventually found out that he didn’t have that kind of power, so he just sat in the corner for four hours, glaring at everyone.”

Leaked documents say Corgan’s tour rider includes, but is not limited to, a bouncing house filled with Crunchwrap Supremes; a “crystal” massage; a quartet of mimes who serve as his personal bathroom valets; two limousines to drive him to La Bamba in case he gets drunk; a Ned Beatty impersonator who has to pretend that Corgan’s synth music is profound; and a Skype connection, which he allegedly plans to use to connect with Alex Jones mid-set.

When contacted for comment, the good folks at Kaiju were very confused. •


Ghost of waterfront park cow to haunt Forecastle mosh

Moove over Hologram Michael Jackson, because Forecastle has a new hot attraction that will udderly blow your mind.

Tired of the same-old, same-old at every festival? The folks behind Forecastle have used sorcery to resurrect Blessie, the cow carcass that washed up in Waterfront Park in February during flooding. The ghost cow, which has already risen from the dead to terrify park goers, has agreed to appear at this year’s festival, anchored to Waterfront Park by the use of the Necronomicon.

Scheduled to haunt the Grind Burger truck, the cow ghost’s plan is to bum out local hipsters and young folks who are enticed by the sweet smell of grilled meats but then are greeted by the half-decayed body of a cow that died like it lived: trying to surf the Ohio. Renowned in the farm animal community as a pioneer in surfing prior to that tragic accident in February, Blessie has a rare gift not seen since Air Bud, enchanting fans and bystanders with her unfettered athleticism.

Now, Blessie will shift her career to horrifying burger enthusiasts, saddened by their hunger for delicious beef.

As a special bonus, Blessie will be behooved to stage dive and crowd surf. Organizers hope that by throwing the ghost of a dead cow into a mosh pit, during what promises to be a particularly wild Father John Misty set, Blessie will be able to enjoy what she has so longed for: the feel of the waves underneath her hooves, and the cool breeze of the Ohio lightly touching her tail, as she ghost shits into a crowd of bedazzled and glittery teens.

“When I play my cover of Pearl Jam’s cover of Neil Young’s cover of Jimi Hendrix’s cover of Bob Dylan’s song ‘All Along The Watchtower,’ and there’s a zombie cow moshing, that’s going straight to the ironic-things-I-do-because-I’m-edgy hall of fame,” Misty told LEO, via fax. •


Food & Drink 

Mirin’s

Mirin’s next menu: Even more over the top than the last one

Say what you like about Mirin — and we like just about everything about it — those guys never stop, stand still and rest on their shiitakes. When proprietor Griffin Paulin talks about flavor combinations such as scallops, duck and buna shimeji carnitas dressed with lime ponzu butter, fermented sofrito and blood orange, it can be tempting to snicker. But then you taste the results and whoa, whoa, whoa! It don’t get no better than this.

But they just can’t stop working on the next big dish. They’ve got to keep on moving, and we’re not talking little bitty steps here but great big Sasquatch stomps. The current menu, just launched last month, is a real keeper. I want to try everything on it.

But if you think spicy triple soup with foie two ways is something, or that dakgang jeong Korean fried chicken with rice grits is hard to beat, you haven’t seen anything yet. We got an advance peek at Mirin’s next menu this week, and it’s amazing! Here are some highlights:

• Top Ramen with locavore accents. Yes, we said Top Ramen. The standby of midnight dorm room snacks takes on an entirely different character in this retro specialty when it’s prepared sous vide for eight hours, then dressed, seasonally, with edible Easter-basket “grass” and bits of guanciale, and garnished with a flash-fried goldfish harpooned with an old-school purple swizzle stick.

• The new menu’s version of Dakgang Jeong elevates the traditional Korean fried-chicken treat with regional accents: It substitutes Nashville-style hot chicken for the Asian version, and swaps Weisenberger Mill cornbread drizzled with Indiana maple syrup for the rice grits. We’ve heard rumors that the Nashville chicken comes from Joella’s. Too soon?

• Yuengling triple soup. A milder, intentionally blander version of Mirin’s spicy triple soup made with Yuengling beer in place of tonkatsu broth, this hearty bowl compensates for the brewery’s corporate deplorability through delicious flavorings hand-carried to the U.S.A. by undocumented immigrants. It’s served within a tiny, tongue-in-cheek wall. •


why tap that… beer?
‘Grab ’em by the cans’:Local beer scene erupts in tweet-storm

A beer-fueled Tweet-storm ripped through the Louisville beer scene last week when Against the Grain Brewery co-owner Sam Cruz lashed out at Kentucky Guild of Brewers Executive Director Derek Selznick over his inappropriate handling of an Against the Grain Citra Ass Down IPA.

Selznick was caught on video pouring a can of the AtG core beer, brewed with generous doses of aromatic Citra hops, recklessly into a plastic cup at a beer tasting event that took place weeks after he was named to the Guild of Brewers. The beer foamed over and spilled down the sides of the red plastic cup, to the horror of the shocked attendees.

On the video, Selznick was heard saying, “I’m automatically attracted to Citra IPAs — I just start drinking them. It’s like a magnet. Just drink. I don’t even wait. And when you’re el presidente, they let you do it. Grab ‘em by the cans. You can do anything.”

The video made the rounds, drawing the ire of many in the beer scene, including Cruz.

“If we were in high school, I’d take him behind the gym and beat the hell out of him,” Cruz said last week, asked about the now-infamous “grab ‘em by the cans” video.

Hours later, the guild director responded to Cruz on Twitter, saying, “Crazy Sam is trying to act like a tough guy. Actually, he is weak, both mentally and physically, and yet he threatens me, for the second time, with physical assault.”

Selznick wasn’t done. He added, “He would go down fast and hard, crying all the way. Don’t threaten people, Sam!”

The exchange has erupted into a media firestorm, culminating in fantasized outcomes of what a Cruz vs. Selznick bout might look like, general criticism from the social media world and beer snobs across the city nervously pacing around their kegorators.

At press time, rumors of protests had begun to circulate, including one warning of bearded, hipster protesters gathering outside Selznick’s office with cans of IPA, silently pouring them into rippled-bottomed glasses to perfect, one-and-one-quarter-inch heads. •


Do you know Joe?: Leo tries to get into the Omni’s speakeasy

I was really eager to check out Pin + Proof at the Omni Hotel, the swanky new bar and light-bite eatery plus bowling lane. The classy new downtown hotel bills Pin + Proof as “our speakeasy … travel to a bygone era when alcohol and jazz flowed freely during Prohibition.”

Sounds great!

Of course, nobody wants to go back to Prohibition for real, but speakeasies sound like fun, except possibly for the nasty bathtub-brewed gin that could make you go blind. But a fine fake speakeasy wouldn’t be like that, and I wanted to experience it. With legal adult beverages, of course. And maybe bowl a couple of frames.

So I put on my fedora and headed for the big gray block that just popped up on the downtown skyline. Ohboy ohboy ohboy! Speakeasy fun! But then I ran smack dab up against an old speakeasy problem: I don’t know Joe, and nobody would tell me the password.

I really wanted to review the place. So I put on my game face, nosed up to the peephole, and knocked. An eyeball appeared, blinking. “Password,” a voice barked. “I didn’t get one,” I admitted. “Can I register inside?”

“Nope.” The peephole slid shut. Damn.

I knocked again.

“Password?”

“Speakeasy!”

“Nope!”

“Booze!”

“Nope!”

“Bathtub gin?”

“Get outta here!”

The door cracked open, but not to let me in. I retreated behind a potted plant.

I’d wait a while. Maybe someone coming out would share the password. Sure enough, Mayor Greg Fischer appeared, smiling happily. “Hey, Greg! Tell me the password?” “Umm … I want to be compassionate. But… well, it’s a SCALA thing. Confidential.”

Next came U.S. Sen. Mitch McConnell. He didn’t want to stop, but I blocked his way.  “C’mon, Mitch. Password?” He mumbled something, but dammit, I couldn’t make it out.

Hey! It’s Rick Pitino! “You’ll tell me, won’t you, Rick?” Dang! Rick ran the other way.

Finally came a big guy wearing a sharkskin suit. “You want me to make you an offer you can’t refuse?” Um, nope! We’ll review this place later. •


Kentucky Independent Restaurant Workers finally get their day in Frankfort

The state General Assembly on Thursday unanimously passed the controversial T.I.P.S. (To Insure Paid Sick Leave) bill. The bipartisan effort mandates a living wage, affordable employer-subsidized health-care, and three paid sick or vacation days a year for employees of Kentucky restaurants with more than two employees.

“We just felt it was the right thing to do,” Senate President Courtsworth Larue said during a news conference.

“Yep,” agreed House Speaker Jiminy “Jim” Coletrain.

A counter-protest of approximately three people stood to one side of the press conference. “I guess we’re just too late,” said a woman holding a sign that read “Burger Flippers Go Home, If You Have One.”

“What’s next? They’ll get full of themselves, and before you know it, cooks’ll start dating servers, and all hell’s gonna break loose. Good luck enjoying your amuse bouche while the pantry guy is making eyes at some hostess, if it doesn’t make you sick with rage,” she added darkly. The woman declined to be identified.

Hundreds of restaurant workers and supporters gathered Friday for a celebration at Vodka is the New Bourbon, the ‘80s-themed pinball arcade and bar at the newly opened Galleria Revival! space in Fourth Street Live downtown.

Chaz Connerton, 37, a fry cook at Shrimpin’ Ain’t Easy in Danville, traveled to Louisville for the party, which was paid for by the Kentucky Restaurant Association.

“Now, next time I crack a molar on the house-made artisanal rock candy we have for dessert at employee meals, I’ll be able to go to an actual people dentist instead of that pig dentist guy that takes cash in Butcher Holler three hours away (seven by fixie). This,” he said with a grin as he lit a hand-rolled cigar with a flaming vegan tasting menu, “is gonna take some getting used to.” •”>Target TextNews

Thorns and Roses takes on Courier Journal, tree ordinance and more…

Staff Picks

Baby cobra playtime for kids, Kim Davis album release party, homeless camp clearing, Omni Hotel unveils newest olive oil for really rich people, use your left turn signal this Sunday, Rick Pitino in Louisville for speaking tour and the mayor explains what he means by “compassionate city.”

Music

New festival to have food, bourbon, multicultural experience… and possibly bands, new half-filled venue to open and ghost of Waterfront Park cow to haunt Forecastle mosh and Completely Unimpressed rues the rise of rock.

Food

Mirin’s latest creations, beer community battles over Solo cup service, Omni Hotel’s speakeasy thwarts LEO reviewer and state lawmakers pass bill to provide restaurant workers with health insurance and sick leave.

Advertisement

Louisville to Amazon: Take the entire city for your new headquarters

Apologizes for ‘lame’ first aunique-namepplication

Metro Louisville and state officials have deeded the entire city to Amazon as a last, desperate gambit to be chosen for the online retailer’s new headquarters, LEO Weekly has learned.

In an unpublicized, second application to Amazon, Mayor Greg Fischer, Gov. Matt Bevin and business leaders including David Jones Sr. offer to take the entire city by eminent domain and hand it over for the headquarters, according to documents leaked to LEO on spy microfilm hidden in a bathroom at Cherokee Park.

Louisville would be renamed Amazonville… or Loumazon… or Nashville, under the plan.

As a condition for choosing Louisville to build its second headquarters and owning the city, Amazon would be required to give each household in the metro area one Prime subscription for life, one Amazon T-shirt in XXL and one key chain.

Fischer told LEO in an exclusive interview that he believes residents of Louisville will understand why he is offering the entire city without their consent or any public debate.

“They should appreciate my progressive, pro-business leadership on this matter. Why should they care if Amazon owns the city? I have already given half the town to developers, after all,” Fischer said. “Part of the bargain is that we get Amazon swag, too, so there is that. But more important — we get to beat Nashville! Now, that would make us a world-class city!

The single-page document opens with several statements of apology from Fischer and others for the crappy first application, which was roundly dismissed as the work of a second-place ad agency. LEO Weekly was the only media to publish the contents of that application, which proposed “an incentive package totaling $2.5 billion over the next 20 years,” creating a water taxi on the Ohio River and gifting Amazon Butler State Park. [Ed. note: That part is not fake.]

One development official, whose name was redacted, apologized for the “lame” and “amateurish” first application, which Amazon rejected in favor of finalists including Nashville and Wakanda.

“For our first application, the best ad agency in the city didn’t want to help us, so we did it ourselves with the new Windows PowerPoint 2000, help from ‘Grant Writing for Dummies 2010’ and my brother-in-law, who has a communications degree,” the official wrote. “This new application was created by the best minds who would still take us seriously.”

Bevin apologized for having any part in the first effort to woo Amazon, noting that he is unqualified to do much of anything other than make bells, block critics on Twitter and blow dog whistles at teachers and other people with actual talent.

“I am much better in 280 characters, the same as my mentor, our Dear Leader,” he said in a tweet, which was reproduced for the application.

A video for the second application, recorded on state-of-the-art Beta, is titled “We Are So Sorry. Now, Take Our City.” It includes apologies in different languages from the cast members of the Louisville Downtown Partnership’s “I Go Downtown” video, who then break into the Feist song: “So Sorry.”

“We think Amazon will be impressed with our use of technology,” said Fischer.

The second application proposes that Amazon could use the Mercer Tower, formerly called the Aegon Center, as part of a lipstick or sex toy promotion, or perhaps for a missile, “ … if you want to take on Elon Musk and other rich people who harbor cosmological delusions.”

In addition to deeding the entire city to Amazon, the state has offered to hand over Red River Gorge so can it can be dammed for hydroelectric power to run the retailer’s massive warehouses and server farms. Bevin called the trade a “win-win,” as his coal cronies have wanted to mine there for ages. “Dig, baby, dig! Coal is back,” Bevin crowed. •


Canon and Pence

Congressional Candidate Dan Canon pledges to rid Indiana of ex Gov. Pence taint

In his most audacious campaign promise, Indiana’s 9th District congressional candidate Dan Canon has vowed to remove the dreaded Mike Pence taint, which previously has proven resistant to even the most potent cleaners.

Described by Kentucky residents as “the smell of bad driving,” the Pence taint has defied scientists hoping to categorize the phenomena — an amorphous cloud of smell that continues to cling to a person well after they’ve left the state.

Canon, a Democrat, said he recognizes the potential for a national epidemic, perhaps carried beyond the borders of Indiana as disseminated by Vice President Mike Pence.

“As the worst of us, Pence in no way represents the ideals of Indiana, and his stench is a pestilence that we must hose off with the water of freedom. While Hoosiers have a long history of bad smells, Pence’s odor is the most egregious, like a stale, Taco Bell fart at a Klan rally, or the music of Kid Rock,” Canon told LEO.

Residents of Indiana are optimistic that Canon and his team of field scientists can finally rid them of the odor that has long haunted the population. According to Vernon Pile, a portable toilet steward in Jeffersonsville, “For real though, I just want to see my Kentucky cousins without them clowning me for something that I can’t even control. I feel like it’s a form of discrimination, if you think about it in your mind’s eye.”

Known for his work as a lawyer and activist, Canon said he has refocused on chemical engineering to help eradicate the Pence taint, described by some as a musty smell of failure and stale Cheetos, or a fog of malaise and self-doubt.

“Through my studies, I’ve come to learn that the Pence stink creates nose-blindness that Indiana natives can barely identify, but which other people avoid at all costs. We can scrub the world of that Pence taint with the help of truckloads of Axe Body Spray, which I believe will in turn enhance the nascent club scene across the state,” said Canon. •


Castleman Statue Replaced With Muhammad Ali Punching A Klansman Statue

Now defaced twice, the John B. Castleman statue, which for many represents the worst of Jim Crow America’s whitewashing, has been removed and replaced by a statute of the Double Greatest punching a member of the KKK in the dick.

Gone but not forgotten, Ali was a renowned voice for social injustice, and many consider it a grave injustice that he did not have the opportunity to brutalize members of the Klan in a bare-knuckle beating.

The outspoken boxer, famous for refusing to serve in Vietnam, is now immortalized doing what he loved best — boxing and punching racists where it hurts the most.

The statue depicts Ali in his prime throwing a wicked left jab at the groin of a Klansmen, while one attempts to run away, and another has visibly pissed their pants. The statue will face Cherokee Park to remind residents that the specter of racism will always suffer the threat of being punched in the nuts by a prominent boxing figure, both figuratively and literally. Ali’s frame will be cast in titanium to reflect the primal strength of his figure as an athlete, a provocateur and an inspiration for Antifa nationwide.

Local commentators noted the disrespect to the Castleman name, saying that replacing the statue was an affront to history.

“It just ain’t right. I get all my history from statues, and wouldn’t know no different otherwise. Castleman was a hero, and you can tell because he rides a horse and pissed of liberals,” said Gomer Pudd, a retired baby boomer.

Still, while the removal of the statue initially caused an uproar in the local community, it was soon forgotten, erased from memory as the statue was replaced. •


State legislature unsure about marrying kids or not

Often faced with daunting legal decisions, state lawmakers had difficulty with a law that would change the age of marrying children to 18 years of age.

Lawmakers were perplexed by the concept that adulthood is somehow relative to age and the ability to make decisions and agree to consent. Opponents of the bill argued that government should not decide the legal age of consent.

“We should not expect the nanny state to rule over children under the age of 18. They should pull themselves up by the bootstraps and make decisions about who they can and should marry at a young age, so long as their parents first ordain it,” said state Sen. Billy Joe McFee, a Boone County Republican.

When pressed on questions regarding the idea of arranged marriages, McFee and other senators balked at the idea, decrying it as beneath “Western” culture and “our freedoms.”

Kentucky says 18 is an appropriate age to consent to join military efforts or purchase cigarettes and pornography, but some lawmakers asserted that marriage is a sacred vow between man and child and sometimes their parents.

“What we understand,” said Republican Sen. Freddie Fauxner, “is that we can best relate to minds unshaped by liberal corruption, who have neither the time nor the agency to argue against the morals that the good Lord gave us to multiply on this green Earth. We crave supple minds, free of ideas like consent or flighty feminist things, which are gross and stupid to real men.”

No one objected to males under 18 getting married, but a round of high fives went up among certain lawmakers who thought that such a thing would be totally awesome all the same. •


Compassion Lounge

New Butchertown stadium to honor homeless with upscale ‘compassion lounge’

Responding to public outrage over the razing of homeless camps to make way for the new Butchertown stadium, Louisville City FC investors are planning a “compassion lounge” where members can watch sports, have a cocktail and contemplate the homeless problem.

“We discovered our passion for the homeless when we saw how angry everyone was about the encampment we razed,” the project manager explained.

The honor is more than just a plaque on the wall. Any homeless person displaced by the stadium will receive Louisville City FC season tickets — excluding home games — and an iTunes gift card.

There is also a partnership with local artists in the works, for a mural that depicts the harsh realities of life on the streets. “The initial pitch was for portraits, but we’ve decided to move toward an abstract interpretation,” our contact said. “Otherwise, it’s too depressing. At this point, the best way to describe it is a blue square.”

An early report on the project incorrectly stated that the lounge would host actual homeless people, but that is not the case. “Not in the compassion lounge. That’s a place for members to meditate on gratitude and escape the crowds. And if things go as expected, we’ll have a lot of conversations about homelessness in this lounge. And how truly blessed we are.” •


Jesus Returns To Most Biblical State: Kentucky

It worked — it actually worked. Gov. Matt Bevin’s plan to turn Kentucky into a state worthy of the Old Testament has attracted the attention of God.

On Easter Sunday, as Bevin stepped out of the mega-church he attends, what can be described only as a divine playground slide opened up through the clouds and out of the bottom slid Jesus Christ.

“What up party people! I’m back!”

Bevin began to sob uncontrollably, which really bummed out Jesus.

“Come on dude, you’re killing my high…”

Bevin, overwhelmed with pride, asked to take Jesus on a tour of his state. But after only a day of seeing how Bevin treated the homeless, drug addicted and pretty much everyone who wasn’t a rich Christian, Jesus condemned his actions.

“This is pretty weak dude… You should be less of a douche,” said Jesus.

Bevin, confused, asked Jesus why he had come here if he didn’t approve of his actions? Jesus said his dad told him to.

“My dad was all like, ‘Go tell Bevin I like the cut of his jib,’ or whatever, and I was like ‘I can’t, ODB is playing in heaven tonight!’ But he was like ‘you and your New Testament friends are pussies!’ So, yeah, here I am. But I think I’m gonna bounce.”

Since then, Jesus has been seen partying with drag queens, hosting foodie parties for the homeless and playing hoops with “gang members.” •


Rash of Dan Johnsons to change their names after local dan johnson scandals

Dan Johnsons across Kentucky and into Southern Indiana have been legally changing their names following scandals tied to former Metro Councilman Dan Johnson and the late state Rep. Dan Johnson.

“Anytime I told someone my name, they would either break out laughing or punch me in the taint,” said Rod B. Good, a Louisville resident formerly named… Dan Johnson. “It got so my wife couldn’t even look me straight in the eye.”

Local courts and county clerks also confirmed the wide-scale movement for name changes. But they could not explain the choice of replacement names, all of them seemingly single entendres for… penises.

“Just last week, I had to ask the state’s chief presiding clerk whether it was OK to let someone change his name to Tommy Banana,” said Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis. “He told me he had gotten used to the dick jokes, but he couldn’t handle the outrage.”

In an exclusive telephone interview with LEO, former Councilman Johnson said he was keeping his name, as far as he knew. “My pants might fall down a lot, but my name is staying on me,” Johnson said, adding, that he had to cut short the interview because his pants had fallen down. •


Bikes for Bullets

‘Bikes for Bullets’: LouVelo bikes upcycled into guns for teachers

The highly-anticipated, but ultimately ignored, LouVelo bike stations will be removed this summer, as they are upcycled into guns in the first SCALA-endorsed change for JCPS.

The move comes after research found that 98 percent of LouVelo rentals are used for Instagram photo ops and returned in under 15 minutes.

Logistical Coordinator Andy Montana told us that “Bikes for Bullets” is indicative of a new direction in public schools. “Guns are actually all around us, if we use our imaginations. See that playground? Boom, it’s a gun. That old school bus? Thirty guns.”

Amidst cuts to arts programs, there has been talk about repurposing marching band students — and their equipment — into a security force. “It makes sense,” said the SCALA rep. “Those band kids already have a lot of discipline, and when you think about it, a gun isn’t very different from a saxophone.” He quickly added, “We’re not going to go crazy — they’re kids, so they’ll get something small, like a 9mm Glock.”

When reached for comment, Mayor Fischer expressed mixed emotions. “Louisville imagines itself an artsy city,” said Mayor Greg Fischer. “We’re hands-on and environmentally aware — I think this really adds to that aesthetic. Just think about it: Our schools will be filled with small-batch weapons. But do we want guns in schools at all? We’ll have to figure that out later.” •


Area Man Discovers Pappy Van Winkle is ‘OK’

Donning a “Save Water Drink Bourbon” T-shirt over his medium frame and beer belly, Louisville resident and whiskey enthusiast Julian Hayden, 41, shocked his friends and acquaintances when he announced Friday that his bottle of 15-year Pappy Van Winkle bourbon was “OK.”

“I mean, it’s fine,” he said between sips, circling his nose around the rim of the glass to absorb the vanilla and oak notes of the wheat-forward spirit. “I can’t really tell the difference between this and, like, that bottle of Weller 12 over there,” he said, referring to W.L. Weller.

“Except that bottle of Weller I got from Old Town [Liquors] didn’t separate me from a few hundred bucks and five goddamn hours of my life,” he said.

Hayden secured his bottle during last fall’s Pappy Day release at Liquor Barn. While celebrities of the food and drink world such as  Anthony Bourdain and David Chang extol the virtues of the brand, only 7,000 cases go to market each year — creating an induced demand with inflated prices. “Fuckin’ Buffalo Trace makes this?!” Hayden said upon learning that Pappy Van Winkle isn’t a distillery.

“Shit fire,” he said, shaking his head.

On why he battled crowds and frugality to take home a bottle of the Family Reserve, Hayden said, “Man, I just wanted to say I got one.” Hayden said he doesn’t plan on waiting in any more long lines or spending exorbitant amounts of money until the next iPhone drops. •


Kentucky GOP: Teacher Pensions To Be Funded By Thoughts and Prayers

Facing threats from what Gov. Matt Bevin calls teacher union “thugs,” he made the bold decision to fund their pensions with thoughts and prayers, a valuable currency among the Republican elite.

While Bevin considers the protesting teachers to be selfish, he has altruistically committed the full resources of the state Republican Party to unleash their thoughts and prayers. The only previous time that has occurred is when lawmakers were faced with the possibility of something unfavorable for the NRA or guns.

While the governor recently cut pension funding in favor of funding state employees and police — a move certainly not meant as retribution or to benefit himself and his cohorts — Bevin believes his gesture will assuage growing concerns among the teachers. Although initially intending to invest the teachers’ pension at the Horseshoe Casino and on Kentucky Derby hopeful, Papa’s New Sack, a dappled stallion, Bevin has shifted his focus to the spiritual well-being of the state’s educators. He believes it is this shift in attention that will encourage educators to fall in line and just deal with it.

“Honestly, it’s these educators who are the real problem to begin with. When I’ve needed money in the past to bail out the business that I inherited, I didn’t just go to the government for a handout, I did it because I deserved it. If teachers weren’t so greedy for money and bent on the indoctrination of our youth into anti-American things like facts and statistics, then they would see why they truly are undeserving of any reward beyond their retirement. What they need is a spiritual cleansing to awaken their souls to the virtues of taking money away from those who need it and claim it for my own, just as Jesus would do,” said Bevin.

Bevin was later seen tweeting at educators, while throwing prayer rocks at schools. •


SCALA chart

Trailer-Park Tryst Sinks SCALA

Louisville was shocked yesterday by the news of an unseemly domestic disturbance in the family of David A. Jones Sr., who is leader of Steering Committee for Action by Louisville’s Aristocracy, or SCALA. It has threatened the group’s continued existence.

According to Louisville police reports, it began when Jones decided to stake out the Trailer Park Home (The East End historical landmark built by pioneer William A. Trailer and later owned by railroad tycoon Preston O. Park) where his son, David A. Jones Jr. was staying — all in a bold effort to catch him in a tryst with the elder Jones’ political consort Mayor Greg Fischer.

Peering through the steamy pane of a fully-restored, double-casement window, he saw the two men wrapped in a passionate neoliberal embrace. This so angered Jones Sr. that he fell off the crouching out-of-town educational consultant he was standing on to see better.

The loud crunch of consultant bones alerted the young Jones who charged out and allegedly began beating his father with a thick report on charter schools, before trying to choke him with a bumper sticker from his failed school board campaign.

Recovering, Jones Sr. then fled to the sanctuary of the Pin + Proof bar in the new Omni Louisville Hotel where the police eventually found the two Joneses glowering at each other as an abashed Fischer nursed a Red Light Negroni. Junior was then booked and fingerprinted; all three men listed their profession as “wealth supremacist” in the police report.

Later, a still-livid David Jones Sr. deleted SCALA’s secret website and dissolved its super PAC.

“I’m done! SCALA is dead,” he told reporters. “The press has won. That [explicative] Ryan Fenwick can be mayor for all I care.” •


Want your school with guns or without? Thanks, SCALA.

Set your calendar forward: Time has flown, and Gov. Matt Bevin and the dweebs at SCALA have successfully concluded their putsch at the Jefferson County Public Schools, and all the rules have changed.

In a dramatic compromise between the NRA backers and a citizen group led by student activists, JCPS schools have been divided into two categories: gun-free campuses and open-carry campuses. In a weird, new take on busing, students and their families may choose to sign up for transportation to a campus where nobody carries a gun; or they may strap on a holster and opt to be bused to a facility where everyone carries.

The “Carry or Don’t” program has been in place for a year now. How is this working out for us? There’s certainly been plenty of action, so let’s look at the numbers.

First the good news: There have been only 182 deaths attributable to gun violence during the past school year. Even with the precipitous decline from 100,900 students to only 64,500 after many families fled the newly-armed (or not) schools, that’s only about 3/10 of 1 percent. “Lost in the statistical noise,” SCALA guru J. David Grissom hoarsely whispered. “Collateral damage.” Forty of the fatal shots were self-inflicted, mostly in accidents related to improperly secured weapons. Fully, 60 deaths occurred in the Great Massacre at Germantown Middle School, an armed school, where warfare reportedly broke out over the questions on an American Literature exam. There were 10 suicides.

SCALA ignored open-records requests for data on non-fatal gun injuries, and Grissom declined a follow-up verbal request with a silent sneer and a discreet hand gesture. A deep, data analysis by Louisville Public Media estimated, however, that there were at least 1,000 injuries requiring hospitalization and 10,000 more requiring only first aid.

No gun deaths occurred in no-carry schools. SCALA leader David Jones Jr., a former school board chairman, declined to speculate in detail about possible reasons for this.

“Coincidence, probably,” he said with a shrug. •


Gov. Bevin replaces violent video games with violent Bible games

Divine inspiration has struck Gov. Matt Bevin, who claimed violent video games were at the root of recent school shootings, including one in his own state that killed two kids and injured 18.

Bevin said he prayed for guidance in his office.

“I asked: ‘What can I do Lord? Should I invest in mental health programs? Take legislative action to prevent guns from falling into dangerous hands?’ And I heard him respond, clear as day. In a booming voice he said, ‘Nah, bruh — the real problem is all these wack-ass video games … You know what you should do? You should make a video game about everything I’ve done! That would be sick.’”

Bevin said he replied, “Your will shall be done,” and he then embarked on a courageous journey to change the face of video games.

That next morning, he posted a video on Twitter asking for help.

“I’m calling on anyone who is in a position of influence, every CEO of every media company that produces a video game that is violent in its nature. We’ve got to step our game up, and I am willing to offer funding to anyone who produces a video game about the Bible.”

Bevin’s call did not go unheard, as the video game industry responded with a variety of biblical video games.

In “Defend The Ark!” you play as Noah as he shoots arrows at, and chops the limbs off of, people clinging to the Ark to survive the great flood.

“Wilderness Slaughter,” where you play as a Levite commanded by Moses to kill the Israelites who built the golden idol.

There is “Cain vs. Abel,” a graphic fighting game similar to “Mortal Kombat,” and “Crucifixion Simulator” where you play as a Roman crucifying Jesus and countless games revolving around the Book of Revelations.

When Bevin saw what he had done, he returned to his office to pray for forgiveness. This time, the aroma of marijuana accompanied God’s booming voice, as he said “Yo, I can forgive you dawg, but you gotta legalize it! Ya feel me?!”

It was later discovered that an intern with a bullhorn had been hiding in Bevin’s office to smoke weed on his breaks. •


Haymarket rolls out ‘Safe Space Sundays,’ for men feeling threatened by #MeToo accusations

Haymarket whiskey bar has earmarked Sundays for area men finding it difficult to have a good time in an era when women have begun publicly naming their rapists and abusers.

“A bar, for true bourbon connoisseurs, is an intellectual environment,” said one customer. “But then a woman comes in, and suddenly everything is sexual. This is a great way for us to protect ourselves.”

His companion agreed. “People think sexual assault accusations define us as people, but we’re actually quite friendly — we love to share our opinions about politics, especially online.”

Haymarket owner Matthew Landan said he got the idea when he sued a woman who had accused him of rape (an allegation he denies). “I realized that there are support groups for people like her, but all I have is Reddit.” Pausing, he added, with a hint of bashfulness, “I guess it’s the typical underdog story.”

The rules for Sundays are clearly posted. Only one topic is off limits: sexual assault. Landan explained, “When one woman starts talking about it, they all join in. They remember every single thing every man has ever done to them. It’s almost obsessive.”

Safe Space Sundays aren’t without its critics.

“I saw the rape van online and was excited about it, but that’s not part of this,” said one customer, who left after just a few minutes. “It’s for non-commercial use only.”

All customers preferred to remain anonymous. •


Your Views 

on: editor’s note — take your hopes, prayers and shove them

Great editorial, Yarmouth Jr. Reminds me of the days when Yarmouth Sr. wrote for The LEO. — Aaron Yarmouth

You libtard snowflakes don’t know anything other than trying to pry my guns from my cold, dead hands.
— Amiri King [Ed. note: Yup.]

on: omni hotel grocery — a half foods
for the rich

Sure, the city should have held the Omni to a stricter standard for the grocery store. But we didn’t want to screw the goose, like we did by losing Wal-Mart and FoodPort. — Mayor Greg Fischer

on: uofl rehires jurich and pitino,
issues apology, adds $2 million bonuses

That is great! —Said No One Ever

on: white people — here are 10 requests from a black lives matter leader

Thank you, Chanelle, for writing such a wonderful piece , flushing out all of the closeted and overt racists and proving that we are not in a post-racial society. —Barrack Obama

Thank you, Chanelle, for helping us divide the U.S. and sow dissention. You fit right into our propaganda plan. —Vladimir Putin 

on: scala’s next project —  why so many head shops on bardstown road?

Simple: because everyone smokes dope! —Mitch McConnell

on: many dan johnsons change names after two dan johnson scandals 

I cannot believe he wants to change his name to BJ Peters. What a douche. — Justin Beaver

Gawd. How juvenile. How many dick jokes are you guys going to make? — Man Standing on Lawn
[Ed. note: Until we run out, or find funnier fart jokes.]

on: courier journal quietly killing printed paper by jacking up price and
publishing stories online weeks earlier

Shhh! Who said that? —Joel Christopher, CJ executive editor

Someone called me an dick?! —Joe Gerth. CJ metro columnist

on: shane peabody powell
‘smoke an owl’

Disgraceful, LEO! I cannot believe you printed this trash. Why must you perpetuate violence against animals? — Lady with Cats [Ed. note: He is referring to a joint, a blunt… marijuana.] 

Clarification:

Due to an editing error, not everything in LEO’s Fake Issue is fake… or even funny.


David Jones Sr. on SCALA’s actual secrets: ‘We do have a pact with Satan’

Discovery of the Steering Committee for Action on Louisville’s Agenda, or SCALA, has concerned residents and the media over the group’s intentions and potential for forcing change through its money and influence. SCALA has said it wants to study — and recommend solutions for — the city’s crime problem, poor performance in schools and the lack of direct flights to just about anywhere other than Destin, Florida. LEO snagged an exclusive interview with SCALA leader, former Humana cofounder David Jones Sr. while eight homeless people carried him on a settee along Main Street.

LEO: Let’s get right down to a major criticism of the group. Did you intend for SCALA to be a secret organization, and if so, why?

David Jones Sr.: Yes and no. We really rich, connected, powerful people do not want you self-appointed busybodies in our, er, business. But I am shocked that a group of 70 or so people — people as important as we are — could meet for a year before anyone wrote about it. It just shows how lame and out of touch the local media is. My son had to leak the story to his Insider Louisville, but even they screwed it up. That said, we did fashion the group after the Illuminati, because, you know, we do have a pact with Satan. I mean, how else do you think we got to where we are with so little? Skill? Hard work? As if.

Satan, I see. Well, why do you feel it is OK to use your power and influence to go outside of the democratic processes?

You see, there you go… Our privilege entitles us to tell you all what to do. Each has earned leadership of a substantial entity in the voluntary, religious, education or private sector. I came from nothing, a child of The Depression, one of many whose fathers was unemployed. We had little money but lots of love and library books. And Satan.

Satan, again, huh? So should we just do away with elections and let oligarchs run the city and state? And… well, they already run the country.

The short answer is: Yes. The longer answer is: We already do! Why do you think [Mayor Greg] Fischer is the only… uh, elected… official in this invite-only group? Oligarch. Minor oligarch, but one nonetheless. Why do you think lobbyists spend millions of dollars a year in Frankfort? Not for their health, unless you count those steak dinners and back-room martinis. Look, the business of this country has always been business. Even the U.S. Supreme Court says corporations have free-speech rights. So this is us speaking.

But doesn’t Louisville already have a chamber of commerce, Greater Louisville Inc.?

Ha, ha, ha! [Several minutes of laughing.] The only commerce they are encouraging is their own, right? Notice that [GLI CEO Kent] Oyler is not in SCALA?

So you want the state to take over the schools? Why would this be beneficial?

Actually, I want my son to take over the schools. He was ousted from the school board by socialist [Chris] Kolb, so now we have a chance to cut him off at his weak knees. Scoundrel. Back in my day, we had tar, feathers and a rail to run them out on…

Why would this be good for the kids and the community, though?

I am not sure. But that is not the point. Nothing ever improves if it stays the same. In business, you take big risks, swing for the fences and maybe hit a home run once every few games. Louisville schools are failing. Just ask Bevie [Gov. Matt Bevin]. Of course, think of all of the money that can be made by opening private schools and funneling public funds into them. Let the marketplace decide who provides the best education.

What about Louisville’s homicide and opioid problems? As the former CEO of a healthcare company, do you believe the opioid problem is a health issue or a crime issue?

I say let them all kill themselves and overdose. I mean, really. We make choices in our lives. And, besides, none of this touches any of us.

Seriously?

No. I say spend more money on outfitting police with the latest military gear. That will scare the murder out of those miscreants. •


Inside Out Louisville: Local news blog eschews profit, sees big future in handouts

By Sally Geese  |  sgeese@insideoutlouisville.com

You may have heard that Inside Out Louisville is seeking nonprofit status. Some of you… OK, most of you… thought that Inside Out already was not profitable. Even IO’s major investor and majordomo David The Vanquished conceded: “You can’t make money publishing real local news.”

Well, that’s the beauty of nonprofit, sillies!

Before deciding to go nonprofit, we raised $1.5 million in 2016… burned through that. But I have good news for all of our well-heeled investors who stuck with us despite our unreasonably-high overhead and fuzzy business plan! Now, you can write off your… er, donations… on your taxes! (At least, I think so. I am no accountant.)

We still will run sponsored content, such as:

Sponsored

Magik Touch Massage

A happy ending for every story

and…

Sponsored

Humanoid Healthcare

We get coverage we want — you can, too!

Oh, don’t get your high-horse panties in a twist. Just because we accept gifts, grants and sponsorships from individuals, organizations and foundations — even allowing business to sponsor specific areas of coverage or stories — we will stick by the same rock-solid journalistic ethics that haven’t gotten us sued… yet. We will make public all supporters who give $5,000 or more per year. As a nonprofit, nonpartisan news organization, we will avoid accepting donations from anonymous sources. [Pro tip: multiple gifts of $4,999 in small bills placed in a brown bag and dropped by the door, please.] So what if we take money? That rag LEO Weekly runs ads. Don’t you think editors there get their marching orders from the plastic surgeons and titty bars littering their pages every week?

Here’s big news! The James Graham Brown-Noser Foundation just gave us a $500,000 grant, its largest this year. We understand this was a bit a of a departure for the Foundation, the first programmatic grant for nonprofit journalism. I guess it didn’t hurt that our former investors know every whale in town. Like, for instance, several members of the Brown-Noser Foundation board are members of the Steering Committee for Action on Louisville’s Agenda, or SCALA, which David The Vanquished and his dad, David The Vanquisher, created to subvert democratic rule in the city with their money and influence. (We broke that story, by the way, and David The Vanquished did not leak it to us, much.) Oh, and even better — he said IO has obtained “commitments from individuals” of “slightly more” than the $500,000 grant.

We are rich! But you are not? No problem. Anyone can donate! Why invest in membership? Well, for instance, if you become an IOu-er for $10 a month, you get “donor wall recognition,” but for $25 a month, you can become an IOu-evenmore-er and get VIP access to IO symposiums. (I think we had 10 people at the last one, but creative cropping made it look bigger.)

More important, you get to be part of IO’s mission to prop up our claim that we are “our community’s source for indispensable local news.” You know, like when a new restaurant opens, or whatever comes across our desks in press releases. You may recall when that nasty LEO Weekly called us a “dragnet of a website.” Well, at least no one calls us a blog anymore… Hey, we have Big Scoops, such as the aforementioned SCALA story. Sure, we made too much about finding a secret hidden in plain sight, and the story lost focus by not clearly explaining SCALA’s intent and impact, and we should’ve disclosed far sooner that David The Vanquished is a SCALA member and investor. But, then, there was our piece on a Gov. Matt Bevin crony whom UofL was poised to hire. Sure, we missed the lede on that, too — how could UofL hire a $200,000-a-year teacher as Bevin tries to cut its budget? We promise to do better when we use the grant to buy… I  mean, hire more writers. (We plan to drain the freelancer pool by outspending other media, that is, until the Benjamins run dry.)

And as you might expect, Inside Out also has a robust social media presence, especially that of our lovable, curmudgeon, grand inquisitor Java Sanka, who tweets like a woodpecker on meth. (I wish he would file stories sooner, but wait! I keep forgetting — no deadline on the internet.)

So, now that you understand IO better, please help us revolutionize Louisville’s news media by proving that rich people will pay for your free content online… because advertisers.


Gov Matt Bevin TMZ
Thorns & Roses

Thorns & Roses

Impossible to fake (It’s real)
State lawmakers could conduct the public’s business on their private cell phones, and they would not be compelled to disclose what was said or texted. Yup, that’s how House Bill 302 is written for now. Another Stalin-esque bill moving through during the last days of the session is HB 373 — new restrictions on public viewing of footage from police body cameras.

who is the joke?
Mayor Greg Fischer finally relented by declaring Louisville a sanctuary city. Almost immediately, President tRump tweeted that he would pull all federal funding from the city. Fischer then rescinded the declaration, saying: “Jkng! Love you, T-Bone!”

honk if you believe
What looked like Muhammad Ali’s gold medal from the 1960 Rome Olympics washed up from the Ohio River during the Great Flood of 2018. It turned out to be chocolate wrapped in gold foil and a note, which said: “Honkies sure bought into that one!”

perchance to dream…
U.S. Sen. Mitch McConnell bought two, full-page ads in Courier Journal in which he apologized for screwing up the country and setting the foundation for Donald tRump’s election. Wrote McConnell: “When you get to a certain age and look back at the wreckage of your life, you begin to make amends.” Residents with pitchforks and torches outside of his mansion did not accept his apology. CJ, however, was happy to have an ad other than ones for Amish heaters and hearing aids.

uofl’s new president: punchy
UofL trustees passed over president candidates including the enormously qualified Dr. Ricky L. Jones in favor of hiring an actual punching bag. “We might as well call the president’s office what it is,” said board Chairman J. David Grissom, adding that trustees also were honest with themselves — they specified the punching bag is for lightweights, not heavyweights.

council never out on a limb
The Metro City Council passed a tree ordinance after deliberating for more than a year. The new rules require absolutely nothing in regards to trees, but council members noted that they had saved trees by making the ordinance only half a page.


Staff Picks 

Kids With Cobras

Right After Feeding Time
From The Creators Of Tiger Baby Playtime: ‘Cobras With Kids’
That roadside zoo in Southern Indiana
So, here’s the deal: That dude in Southern Indiana with all the super dangerous, gnarly, wild animals in cages in his backyard had his world famous Tiger Baby Playtime shutdown by some dipshit judge, so he’s bringin’ out the cobras. “Cobras With Kids,” as he’s calling it, has all the same ingredients — small children and wild animals — but this time he’s pivoting from mammals to reptiles, which automatically bypasses any sort of court order. The kids, layered in Kevlar and given flutes to calm the snakes (who will not be defanged, because that’s fucked up), will enter an old, octagon-shaped MMA ring that’s been converted into a jungle-themed snake cage, where they’ll interact with, and attempt to, dodge various types of cobras — from the bad-boy King Cobra, to the handsome Monocled Cobra, to the super-venomous, extremely-agile war machine and final boss, the Caspian Cobra. —LEO


Possibility: 30
Mayor Greg Fischer Explains ‘Compassionate City’
Somewhere with a cool backdrop  |  Whenever he needs to deflect criticism
After coming under fire for not declaring Louisville a sanctuary city, while reports circled that the LMPD was working with ICE to target immigrants, Mayor Greg Fischer has decided to formally announce what he means by the term he frequently uses, “Compassionate City.” The phrase seems to fall in the gray area between not caring at all and actually doing something proactive, but Fischer said the tag line for the city is a profound and powerful thing. In a press release for the event, he described it as “a social contract to the thousands of Louisvillians who dream for a better tomorrow, and, as a government, we will continue to dream with you. I mean, we could actually do something or whatever, but then the Feds and the Commonwealth might pull their funding for cool legacy projects, and I like cool legacy projects.” —LEO


When it rains next
Let’s Clear Out A Homeless Encampment
Louisville Anti-Compassion League  |  Too many places  |  Search Facebook
Tired of those tired liberals and their tired compassion rants? Want to teach your kids the values that made you hard, jaded and self-loathing? Join the Louisville Anti-Compassion League’s spring homeless encampment clear out, during which you will evict homeless people and destroy their belongings with no notice and certainly no cares. This is one in a series of events the group has held, including last summer’s Report Any Brown People to ICE and, in December, Steal From Salvation Army Buckets. —LEO


After mass
Kim Davis Album Release Party
The Vatican (Just kidding: the far left side of the Wal-Mart parking lot)
Kim Davis, that lady who became a pseudo-celebrity among hard-lining right-wingers for being awful, is set to release a companion Christian folk album with her new book. The album, I Refused To Do My Job, And Now I’m Sort Of Famous, is a concept record about denying people basic human rights. The somehow current county clerk of Rowan County refused to sign a marriage certificate for a gay couple and was justifiably arrested. Now, she is making cash from a book about it, so she decided to double down on her profiteering and cut an album, which features songs including “Stuck In Jail With The Jesus Mumblin’ Blues Again,” “God’s Got The Whole World In His Hands (But Should Honestly Just Flood It Again)” and “Please Don’t Forget About Me Until I Net Seven Figures.” She’ll also be signing house cats as long as they’re baptized. —LEO


Once a week
Omni Hotel Unveils Latest Olive Oil
Omni Hotel  |  400 S. Second St.  |
justforrichpeople.com  |  $25-$250  |  7 p.m.
Come celebrate from afar with rich people who can afford the Omni Hotel Falls City Market’s latest olive oil: Multo Bene Olivio Oilio super extra virgin $$$. Each two-ounce bottle costs $250. This is the latest addition to the Omni’s vast offering of olive oils, which now takes up the entire market. Gone is the overpriced produce and the one bag of flour. For the unveiling, proof of income is required to get close to the oil. For plebes who do not make the cut, stadium seating will be provided for a small fee of $25. —LEO


After Hours
Rick Pitino’s Speaking Tour:
‘How To Beat The Press’
A neighborhood Italian joint
Former UofL men’s basketball Coach Rick Pitino survived multiple scandals, the first dating to before Led Zeppelin broke up, before the FBI finally scared someone into punishing him last year. And now he returns to Louisville as part of his speaking tour. Titled “How To Beat The Press,” Pitino aims to provide the audience with his tried-and-proven, 10-step method for doing shady shit and avoiding ramifications during an investigation — from step No. 1, blindly denying any wrongdoing, to step No. 10, making cash off of whatever you’re accused of. Mimicking the speech he gave in 2000 when the then-coach of the Boston Celtics flipped out on his own team’s fans, Pitino recently said at a speaking event in Denver: “The local police are not walking through that door. The FBI is not walking through that door. If you’re waiting for that, you’re going to be gray and old. I’m too rich and famous to be arrested.” —LEO


Sunday!
Left Turn Signal Sunday
The Pro Turn Signal Association
dontbeadipshit.org
On a road or highway near you  |  Free
You are invited to use your left turn signal this Sunday when you are driving and want to turn left. As an extra challenge, use the turn signal before you actually make the turn! The Pro Turn Signal Association said it plans to organize a Right Turn Signal event soon. Until then, you are free to keep driving like a dipshit! —LEO


Music 

NXT LVL FE$T

New music festival features high-end food and booze, ‘a multitude of cultural experiences’… possibly some bands 

Claiming a shortage of area music festivals to go along with a “plethora of underutilized spaces,” a group of circling carpetbaggers has announced NXT LVL FE$T.

“It’s just a cutting-edge music festival with a multitude of cultural experiences,” promoter Sebastian Allen said. “We provide this sort of choose-your-own-adventure thing, where you, like, augment reality for three days by diving into a bunch of different situations that you’ve never paid witness to before. Our aim is to totally change the way people currently perceive the way society is engineered.”

There will be a football field-size tent with top-shelf liquor and more than 300 area chefs, who will plant, grow, harvest and cook all of their food each day, serving it at “market rates” for the duration of the festival. But, that’s just the beginning of what makes this festival different from all the others, Allen said.

NXT LVL FE$T will also include:

• A 1950’s style dance marathon that will be announced on the radio

• A roundtable discussion on what Friedrich Nietzsche would think about Twitter

• A competition for who can make the best GIF of David Byrne

• A hologram of Hillary Clinton winning the election

• A two-part documentary about the people who got trapped on that island at Frye Fest last year

• A maze that mimics The Lost Woods in The Legend Of Zelda

• A 3-D simulator of what it’s like to ride the city bus

There are also VIP options:

For $2,000, you get The Super Roadie Showcase, where you stand a little bit closer to the stage, with a private bar that carries the same drinks at the same prices.

For $5,000 you get the Keith Richards Special, where you tell a bunch of chemistry students what kind of high you like to be, and then they make it happen.

For $7,000, you get the Traveling Band Upgrade, where you and your friends get access to a houseboat that’s also a Land Rover for maximizing mileage.

For $10,000 dollars, you can have the Super-Charged Rock Star Experience, where you parachute out of a plane into “the most epic stage dive off all time.”

No bands have been announced at this time, but Allen said to check the NXT LVL FE$T website in a couple of weeks for updates. Tickets start at $400.


Another half-empty music venue to open

Without researching market trends in local tickets sales or noticing the crop of venues that have come and gone throughout the city in recent years, live music fan, self-described “beer nerd” and local attorney Chad Thompkins plans to open a new, live music venue in Louisville’s Schnitzelburg area.

“I love live music. Like me, I think there are tons of people in Louisville who can’t get enough live music, and want more of it, every single night of the week,” said Thompkins, blissfully unaware of three entertainment venues within a one-mile radius of his Shelby Street lot, each of which serve a ticket-buying community of perhaps a few thousand.

Thompkins revealed this week the name, Nevermind Music Hall, referencing his favorite album. “I mean, what a great band, the best,” Thompkins said. Starting from the ground up, the music hall plans to build out a 450-person capacity venue with state-of-the-art sound production, a VIP area and an industrial-chic aesthetic.

“We’re gonna have it all, seven days a week — blues, alternative rock, rap, electronica, some rockin’ tributes, maybe some local bands to give them a platform, anything that sounds just awesomesauce,” said Thompkins, who admitted he has no experience in the music industry.

“Being in this cool, really authentic part of town, it’s like the Kevin Costner movie, if you book it they will come,” said Thompkins, who has not yet consulted any of the city’s handful of independent promoters about how often their rooms are actually filled to capacity.

The Nevermind Music Hall will directly compete with well-established rooms including Zanzabar, Kaiju and Headliners Music Hall, Mercury Ballroom, owned by the national conglomerate LiveNation, and the forthcoming venue in Paristown Pointe, a public-private investment to create an entertainment district in the area.

Nevermind Music Hall will also compete with the variety of massive festivals throughout the region in warmer months.

Thompkins isn’t worried about the bubble bursting, though. “Look, I have good taste, I know what I’m doing, and it’s gonna be totes awesome,” he said. “And these other venues don’t even have bottle service.” •


Billy Corgan

Smashing Pumpkins Change Venue to Kaiju

During a recent, mostly-nonsensical temper tantrum, Billy Corgan announced the upcoming Smashing Pumpkins reunion tour will move from the KFC Yum Center to the much smaller, local staple Kaiju.

Corgan has termed the move “pragmatic,” explaining that the cozy nature of the room will allow a much homier, organic feel than would the stadium show for which they had over-budgeted.

“It’s not about all those failed music publications full of flunkies publishing lies about ticket presales going poorly in these enormous venues we booked. That’s fake news. It’s sad,” Corgan said. “It’s about making small venues great again. Rock and roll has been intellectually corrupt for a long time, and I’ve nominated myself to save it.”

Corgan assured members of the Louisville press that Kaiju is an excellent spot to not only see the theatrical display of Wig-Corgan, an hourlong pre-show, presentation of Billy Corgan trying on wigs and various hats, but also for a post-show meet-and-greet Goldeneye tournament. Please note, players are required to sign a non-compete clause to participate, and they are not allowed the use of any weapons other than the PP7 (although players are not allowed to use the gold or silver versions, and the silenced version may be used only if Corgan is allowed to screen watch).

“My advice is just to let him win, because he’ll just say you cheated and smash the game if you don’t, because that’s just who Billy is,” a former Smashing Pumpkins bass player who chose to remain anonymous said. “Back in the ‘90s, I remember him pressing the reset button when Eddie Vedder got hot with the Sniper Rifle. Then he threatened to cancel the event. But, it was a festival, and he eventually found out that he didn’t have that kind of power, so he just sat in the corner for four hours, glaring at everyone.”

Leaked documents say Corgan’s tour rider includes, but is not limited to, a bouncing house filled with Crunchwrap Supremes; a “crystal” massage; a quartet of mimes who serve as his personal bathroom valets; two limousines to drive him to La Bamba in case he gets drunk; a Ned Beatty impersonator who has to pretend that Corgan’s synth music is profound; and a Skype connection, which he allegedly plans to use to connect with Alex Jones mid-set.

When contacted for comment, the good folks at Kaiju were very confused. •


Ghost of waterfront park cow to haunt Forecastle mosh

Moove over Hologram Michael Jackson, because Forecastle has a new hot attraction that will udderly blow your mind.

Tired of the same-old, same-old at every festival? The folks behind Forecastle have used sorcery to resurrect Blessie, the cow carcass that washed up in Waterfront Park in February during flooding. The ghost cow, which has already risen from the dead to terrify park goers, has agreed to appear at this year’s festival, anchored to Waterfront Park by the use of the Necronomicon.

Scheduled to haunt the Grind Burger truck, the cow ghost’s plan is to bum out local hipsters and young folks who are enticed by the sweet smell of grilled meats but then are greeted by the half-decayed body of a cow that died like it lived: trying to surf the Ohio. Renowned in the farm animal community as a pioneer in surfing prior to that tragic accident in February, Blessie has a rare gift not seen since Air Bud, enchanting fans and bystanders with her unfettered athleticism.

Now, Blessie will shift her career to horrifying burger enthusiasts, saddened by their hunger for delicious beef.

As a special bonus, Blessie will be behooved to stage dive and crowd surf. Organizers hope that by throwing the ghost of a dead cow into a mosh pit, during what promises to be a particularly wild Father John Misty set, Blessie will be able to enjoy what she has so longed for: the feel of the waves underneath her hooves, and the cool breeze of the Ohio lightly touching her tail, as she ghost shits into a crowd of bedazzled and glittery teens.

“When I play my cover of Pearl Jam’s cover of Neil Young’s cover of Jimi Hendrix’s cover of Bob Dylan’s song ‘All Along The Watchtower,’ and there’s a zombie cow moshing, that’s going straight to the ironic-things-I-do-because-I’m-edgy hall of fame,” Misty told LEO, via fax. •


Food & Drink 

Mirin’s

Mirin’s next menu: Even more over the top than the last one

Say what you like about Mirin — and we like just about everything about it — those guys never stop, stand still and rest on their shiitakes. When proprietor Griffin Paulin talks about flavor combinations such as scallops, duck and buna shimeji carnitas dressed with lime ponzu butter, fermented sofrito and blood orange, it can be tempting to snicker. But then you taste the results and whoa, whoa, whoa! It don’t get no better than this.

But they just can’t stop working on the next big dish. They’ve got to keep on moving, and we’re not talking little bitty steps here but great big Sasquatch stomps. The current menu, just launched last month, is a real keeper. I want to try everything on it.

But if you think spicy triple soup with foie two ways is something, or that dakgang jeong Korean fried chicken with rice grits is hard to beat, you haven’t seen anything yet. We got an advance peek at Mirin’s next menu this week, and it’s amazing! Here are some highlights:

• Top Ramen with locavore accents. Yes, we said Top Ramen. The standby of midnight dorm room snacks takes on an entirely different character in this retro specialty when it’s prepared sous vide for eight hours, then dressed, seasonally, with edible Easter-basket “grass” and bits of guanciale, and garnished with a flash-fried goldfish harpooned with an old-school purple swizzle stick.

• The new menu’s version of Dakgang Jeong elevates the traditional Korean fried-chicken treat with regional accents: It substitutes Nashville-style hot chicken for the Asian version, and swaps Weisenberger Mill cornbread drizzled with Indiana maple syrup for the rice grits. We’ve heard rumors that the Nashville chicken comes from Joella’s. Too soon?

• Yuengling triple soup. A milder, intentionally blander version of Mirin’s spicy triple soup made with Yuengling beer in place of tonkatsu broth, this hearty bowl compensates for the brewery’s corporate deplorability through delicious flavorings hand-carried to the U.S.A. by undocumented immigrants. It’s served within a tiny, tongue-in-cheek wall. •


why tap that… beer?
‘Grab ’em by the cans’:Local beer scene erupts in tweet-storm

A beer-fueled Tweet-storm ripped through the Louisville beer scene last week when Against the Grain Brewery co-owner Sam Cruz lashed out at Kentucky Guild of Brewers Executive Director Derek Selznick over his inappropriate handling of an Against the Grain Citra Ass Down IPA.

Selznick was caught on video pouring a can of the AtG core beer, brewed with generous doses of aromatic Citra hops, recklessly into a plastic cup at a beer tasting event that took place weeks after he was named to the Guild of Brewers. The beer foamed over and spilled down the sides of the red plastic cup, to the horror of the shocked attendees.

On the video, Selznick was heard saying, “I’m automatically attracted to Citra IPAs — I just start drinking them. It’s like a magnet. Just drink. I don’t even wait. And when you’re el presidente, they let you do it. Grab ‘em by the cans. You can do anything.”

The video made the rounds, drawing the ire of many in the beer scene, including Cruz.

“If we were in high school, I’d take him behind the gym and beat the hell out of him,” Cruz said last week, asked about the now-infamous “grab ‘em by the cans” video.

Hours later, the guild director responded to Cruz on Twitter, saying, “Crazy Sam is trying to act like a tough guy. Actually, he is weak, both mentally and physically, and yet he threatens me, for the second time, with physical assault.”

Selznick wasn’t done. He added, “He would go down fast and hard, crying all the way. Don’t threaten people, Sam!”

The exchange has erupted into a media firestorm, culminating in fantasized outcomes of what a Cruz vs. Selznick bout might look like, general criticism from the social media world and beer snobs across the city nervously pacing around their kegorators.

At press time, rumors of protests had begun to circulate, including one warning of bearded, hipster protesters gathering outside Selznick’s office with cans of IPA, silently pouring them into rippled-bottomed glasses to perfect, one-and-one-quarter-inch heads. •


Do you know Joe?: Leo tries to get into the Omni’s speakeasy

I was really eager to check out Pin + Proof at the Omni Hotel, the swanky new bar and light-bite eatery plus bowling lane. The classy new downtown hotel bills Pin + Proof as “our speakeasy … travel to a bygone era when alcohol and jazz flowed freely during Prohibition.”

Sounds great!

Of course, nobody wants to go back to Prohibition for real, but speakeasies sound like fun, except possibly for the nasty bathtub-brewed gin that could make you go blind. But a fine fake speakeasy wouldn’t be like that, and I wanted to experience it. With legal adult beverages, of course. And maybe bowl a couple of frames.

So I put on my fedora and headed for the big gray block that just popped up on the downtown skyline. Ohboy ohboy ohboy! Speakeasy fun! But then I ran smack dab up against an old speakeasy problem: I don’t know Joe, and nobody would tell me the password.

I really wanted to review the place. So I put on my game face, nosed up to the peephole, and knocked. An eyeball appeared, blinking. “Password,” a voice barked. “I didn’t get one,” I admitted. “Can I register inside?”

“Nope.” The peephole slid shut. Damn.

I knocked again.

“Password?”

“Speakeasy!”

“Nope!”

“Booze!”

“Nope!”

“Bathtub gin?”

“Get outta here!”

The door cracked open, but not to let me in. I retreated behind a potted plant.

I’d wait a while. Maybe someone coming out would share the password. Sure enough, Mayor Greg Fischer appeared, smiling happily. “Hey, Greg! Tell me the password?” “Umm … I want to be compassionate. But… well, it’s a SCALA thing. Confidential.”

Next came U.S. Sen. Mitch McConnell. He didn’t want to stop, but I blocked his way.  “C’mon, Mitch. Password?” He mumbled something, but dammit, I couldn’t make it out.

Hey! It’s Rick Pitino! “You’ll tell me, won’t you, Rick?” Dang! Rick ran the other way.

Finally came a big guy wearing a sharkskin suit. “You want me to make you an offer you can’t refuse?” Um, nope! We’ll review this place later. •


Kentucky Independent Restaurant Workers finally get their day in Frankfort

The state General Assembly on Thursday unanimously passed the controversial T.I.P.S. (To Insure Paid Sick Leave) bill. The bipartisan effort mandates a living wage, affordable employer-subsidized health-care, and three paid sick or vacation days a year for employees of Kentucky restaurants with more than two employees.

“We just felt it was the right thing to do,” Senate President Courtsworth Larue said during a news conference.

“Yep,” agreed House Speaker Jiminy “Jim” Coletrain.

A counter-protest of approximately three people stood to one side of the press conference. “I guess we’re just too late,” said a woman holding a sign that read “Burger Flippers Go Home, If You Have One.”

“What’s next? They’ll get full of themselves, and before you know it, cooks’ll start dating servers, and all hell’s gonna break loose. Good luck enjoying your amuse bouche while the pantry guy is making eyes at some hostess, if it doesn’t make you sick with rage,” she added darkly. The woman declined to be identified.

Hundreds of restaurant workers and supporters gathered Friday for a celebration at Vodka is the New Bourbon, the ‘80s-themed pinball arcade and bar at the newly opened Galleria Revival! space in Fourth Street Live downtown.

Chaz Connerton, 37, a fry cook at Shrimpin’ Ain’t Easy in Danville, traveled to Louisville for the party, which was paid for by the Kentucky Restaurant Association.

“Now, next time I crack a molar on the house-made artisanal rock candy we have for dessert at employee meals, I’ll be able to go to an actual people dentist instead of that pig dentist guy that takes cash in Butcher Holler three hours away (seven by fixie). This,” he said with a grin as he lit a hand-rolled cigar with a flaming vegan tasting menu, “is gonna take some getting used to.” •

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