Ask Minda Honey: Controlling Partner Won’t Dominate Me in the Bedroom

In a relationship or life jam? Lemme unstuck your life by sending your questions to [email protected].

Hey Minda,

For over a year and a half now, I have been dating an amazing woman. She is 26. She is amazing at planning and organizing events, as well as our lives. Because of this she is often the one to organize our schedule and know when stuff around the house needs to get done. I have been trying recently to pick up more of these responsibilities around the house and with my own scheduling without her having to ask, because I feel better about contributing when I don’t feel nagged to do it and do it in my own time. Part of my motivation in doing this is to reduce the amount of stress on her and her feeling of having to control and keep track of everything in our lives.

This has been my only way to combat the nonnegotiable opinion of my partner to not include any kinky/BDSM activities in our sex lives. As I am only now at 20 entering into queer spaces and educating myself about non-normative ways of living and fucking. I’m having a hard time exploring my sexuality with her without being able to explore my freak side with her. Additionally, I have a hard time getting off with her because of this especially when we fuck without toys.

From what I have explored so far, I definitely see myself as on the submissive side of the power spectrum. However, she does not want to be in control during sex she says because she has to be in control and in charge all of the other times.

I love this woman. I know I don’t want to be with anyone else. I just want her to put a collar on me, but when I ask for her to even bite my ear during sex she feels pressured and uncomfortable.

I don’t know what to do. Thanks for everything you do.

— Confused Kid

Hi Kiddo,

My apologies, I had to trim your letter due to space constraints. Now, let’s get to your question.

Even though you sound really, really great, she should dump you. No really. She should.

Here’s the thing, I know you love her. But love isn’t everything. And at 20, it’s hard to imagine what more could be required from life than love. But 26? That’s a question a 26-year-old can answer. Why? Because they’ve had the necessary life experience. By staying with you, she is robbing you of the opportunity to gather that experience. If you’ve been dating for a year-and-a-half, that means she basically snatched you up right when you became legal. In my opinion, six years is too big a gap at 20 and it’s for damn sure too big a gap at 18.

She organizes your life, she helps shape your career and she tidies up after you? Those sound like some serious mom-tendencies. You even refer to yourself as a kid in this letter. And the last thing you need right now, at your age, is someone acting like bowling alley bumper lanes alongside your day-to-day existence.

I can tell you as someone who dated someone, who was just a year or so younger than me, but who relied heavily on me to keep their life in order, is all this situation will do is make you both resentful in the end. I was the person who reminded him about family members’ birthdays, helped him fill out job apps, made the dinners, did the shopping, bought his clothes, forced him to go the dentist, on and on. I felt like he should feel totally indebted to me, but really, he probably would have been just fine and figured shit out without me. How do I know? Because we broke up and he magically survived on Hawaiian Punch and hot dogs and went on to find himself in a satisfying, off-the-beaten path type of career.

And me? Well, I figured out when I wasn’t totally focused on micro-managing someone else’s life, I could spend more time making myself a better person like not being so much of a control freak. Turns out the line between caring for someone and trying to control someone isn’t as thin as I thought it was! Years later, I cringe at my behavior. There’s no way I would oversee every facet of a partner’s life these days because I trust that person to make the best decisions for themselves. It’s about respect.

If she won’t dump you, you dump her. You will love again (Again and again and again…). I promise. Also, you’re misaligned sexually and that isn’t going to change because she’s not looking to change (Which is totally fine). Once you’re single, you’ll have the time and freedom to explore and experiment and figure out what you want in a sexual experience.