As I sit in my office pondering what to write for the 52nd issue of the year — unsure whether my exhaustion stems from the wine last night, Vitamin-D deprivation or the unending stress created by President Muffley (Dr. Strangelove reference) — once again, it occurs to me that there are too many unused thoughts from this last year to not address them. So, straight from the mind of an only child with attention-deficit… challenges, in no order of importance, here is a rapid roundup of unused 2017 thoughts:
1. Merriam-Webster needs to create a new word to replace “unbelievable.” Much like the word “literally” has been so frequently misused, they literally had to change literally’s definition. Now, we literally don’t have a word that means what literally used to mean (…another indication that facts and the real world don’t exist anymore either).
Today,“unbelievable” is used to express dismay upon reflection, and often as a way to reminisce about the olden days… like when George W. Bush was the worst president in American history. The fact that W. Bush isn’t the worst president in history any longer is unbelievable!
So now, when we say something like, “Did you see what Trump tweeted? It’s unbelievable!” In this instance, the term unbelievable is expressing that moment when you fondly reflect on the days when W. Bush couldn’t pronounce “nuclear.” How much would we love to have a president who couldn’t pronounce nuclear again?
Anyway, with every passing day and every breaking story — usually from brilliant work done by The Washington Post and The New York Times — too many times I say something is unbelievable, only to be corrected by friends and family, who ask: “But is it really?” And they’re right! Nothing is unbelievable anymore. I’m literally out of disbelief!
I propose a new word to actually, literally mean beyond belief. Maybe something like: youlyin (pronounced: U-Lion). So, when someone says, “They found another Trump meeting with the Russians” You can just say, “Youlyin.”
2. Bevin is running for president. He won’t win, but he will run.
2-a. I’ll probably end up in a cell next to Marc Murphy’s if Bevin does win.
3. I’m not a major stickler for grammar — my English teachers from about sixth grade on will attest to that. Honestly, most of the time I blame grammatical errors on account of English having a lot of ridiculous rules… a result of the Associated Press’ conspiracy to alter rules each year to sell more guidebooks.
However! One grammatical mistake that is more prevalent than the misuse of the word “unbelievable,” and drives me crazy, is when “that” is used to refer to a person. For example, “This tax cut is for millionaires that don’t need it.” It’s actually for millionaires who don’t need it.
Let’s try another example: “Gov. Bevin shouldn’t Twitter-block people that disagree with him.” No, he shouldn’t block people who disagree with him… but he’s a thin-skinned, megalomaniac, narcissist who degrades the office he holds.
I also think this might be some, small contributing factor in the dehumanizing way we have debates in this country — particularly on social media. I’m not saying that this is the source of society’s ills, but I think it helps to constantly reinforce the idea that we are talking about people by giving them credit for being humans.
4. U.S. Sen. Mitch McConnell is a soulless robot, that bears a strong resemblance to the Terminator… hence, he is not who-worthy. Seriously, I think Mitch might be the Terminator. Doesn’t this quote from “The Terminator” sound just like a reference to Mitch?: “It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.”
5. Whenever you’re feeling down or nervous about the direction of our country, just go to any of Mitch’s tweets (@SenateMajLdr) and read the responses. A smile will be brought to your face and you won’t feel as alone. There are so many people around the country who hate Mitch, too.
5-a. It’s also depressing because you’ll undoubtedly come across one saying, “Go back to Kentucky,” which will remind you that he is our butt-wort, for which there is no cure.
6. Dilly Dilly!
Thanks again for another amazing, Eccentric year. •