Q: I have been with my unicorn boyfriend for four months. The sexual chemistry between us is out of this world! I’m a woman who’s very open-minded when it comes to trying new things: I’ve had threesomes and foursomes, tried every toy on the market, done anal sex, BDSM and many other things. He is sexually experienced, but he’s not open-minded. One thing he won’t do is kiss me after I’ve swallowed his load. We’ve been together only four months, so maybe I just need to wait and hope that he’ll come around. Or is there something I can do to get him to try it?
—Can’t Unicorn Man Up?
A: If that’s the only thing he won’t do — if every toy on the market is on the table, along with threesomes, foursomes, BDSM, etc. — then he’s pretty adventurous. But if kissing after you’ve swallowed is the only mildly kinky thing you’ve attempted with him and it was a no, he may not be adventurous enough to deserve unicorn status. But I will say this in his defense…
Kissing someone who has just swallowed your load (or snowballing with someone who wants you to swallow your own load) presents a challenge for many men. Some silly straight men worry that tasting their own come will turn them gay or make them look gay — I’ve gotten letters from girlfriends who thought their boyfriends were gay because they were too willing to kiss them after a blowjob. But there are gay men out there who don’t want to deep-kiss the guy who just blew them — and they’re obviously not worried about turning gay (already are) or seeming gay (ditto). So what gives? Blame what’s known as the “refractory period,” CUMU. Immediately after a man ejaculates, his dick starts to go soft and he loses all interest in sex — hormones have been released into his bloodstream that short-circuit sexual arousal. Bodily fluids and orifices a man was happily lapping up or at a minute ago are suddenly repulsive, not because the dude is necessarily inhibited or insecure, CUMU, but because he’s having his period — his refractory period.
Q: I’ve been seeing this guy who keeps making D/s-ish jokes and moves — he smacks my butt a lot, for example. When I let him know I like it, he’s suddenly not into it. He says it’s “disturbing” that I like what he’s been doing. Two questions: (1) Smacking my butt is okay so long as I don’t want it? (2) Enjoying what he’s doing makes me a freak?
—Joking About Consensual Kinks
A: Two options: (1) He goes in for domineering head games and “playful” violence because he’s abusive and controlling. (2) He’s got kinks, but he hasn’t managed to incorporate his kinks into his sex life in a healthy, consensual manner — and now that he knows you enjoy the same things he does (but you’re healthier about them than he is), he’s projecting his self-loathing onto you. Either way, JACK, you’re going to need to DTMFA.
Q: You recently said it’s okay to fantasize about other people so long as we keep it to ourselves. Social media and dating apps have given us access to tons of spank material, from that new crush on OkCupid to the (monogamously) married neighbor you always wanted to bang. In this era, we can see actual pictures of the people we’re fantasizing about more often than not. Facebook stalking for spank bank purposes is fine — we all do it — but does it cross a line to actually download the pictures for later? I feel like it’s at least a little creepy to be taking screenshots of people’s photos. But as long as you’re the only one using your phone, what’s the practical difference between looking at Facebook and looking at saved screenshots?
—Screenshot Porn As New Kontent
A: Keep whatever you want on your phone, SPANK, so long as you keep it to yourself and your phone is password protected.
Q: I am a 29-year-old straight woman on the West Coast in a new relationship. My boyfriend and I have just begun exploring anal sex. Question: How do I avoid poop leakage?!? The first time we had anal sex, my boyfriend came in my ass and then pulled out. Then we decided to go for a run. (We didn’t think it through, clearly!) A few minutes in, I was leaking all over my pants. In short, gross! Obviously it wasn’t a good idea to go for a run afterward (noted!), but what can I do in the future immediately after anal to avoid poopy come from leaking out of my butt?
—Anal Newbie Avoiding Leakage
A: Yeah, don’t go for a run immediately after anal. Spend a few minutes on the toilet instead — bring your phone, post something to Instagram, let gravity do its thing. And that wasn’t poop leaking out of you on that run, ANAL, it was santorum — “the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.”
Q: No one aroused by BDSM could ever truly love someone, could they?
—Violence Isn’t Love, Eh?
A: Of course not, VILE. But only the Duggar girls and Princess Diana’s boys are capable of truly loving someone. The rest of us are just playing.
Q: My boyfriend complains that our sex life is too vanilla. I want him to be satisfied, but he won’t tell me what else he wants to do. Recently, he suggested an open relationship. I don’t want to be in an open relationship and I told him as much. But I’m fully open to being more kinky or whatever else he needs. I’ve tried mixing it up, but he just looks at me strangely and asks me to stop whatever I’m doing. Can I do anything to fix this? Any insight would be appreciated.
—-I’m Not Good At Acronyms
A: He knows what he wants, and he can’t or won’t tell you. Either he can’t because he’s so sexually repressed that he’s incapable of pushing the words out of his mouth, or he won’t because his non-vanilla desires are so extreme as to be deal-breaker-level repulsive to anyone who doesn’t share them. But complaining about your sex life without elaborating or giving you any constructive feedback at all is disqualifying assholery, INGAA. You’ll also have to DTMFA.
Q: I just read your reply to a woman who wrote to you regarding her partner’s lack of libido. Although I found the article somewhat interesting, I would have preferred that a woman who was an actual lesbian was rendering advice to other lesbians. As a man, you are not qualified to deal out sex advice to women — especially to lesbians.
—Stating This Obvious Point
A: Take it away, Free Dictionary: “ad•vice: opinion about what could or should be done about a situation or problem.” The only qualification you need to give someone your opinion? Someone asked you for it. Full stop. So I’m going to continue giving advice to straight people despite not being straight, to lesbians despite not being a lesbian, to bisexuals despite not being bi, to trans people despite not being trans, to monogamous people despite not being monogamous. Hell, I sometimes give advice to Republicans despite not being a heartless idiot. •