In a relationship or life jam? Lemme unstuck your life by sending your questions to [email protected]
I’m a 26-year-old, single female looking for love. I have a degree, and work as a marketing coordinator. While my professional life is fine, my love life is a lackluster. I have tried everything from Tinder to eHarmony. Every time I think I’ve found someone suitable, it goes left. Everyone one around me has found love online and insists that I should continue my search. My sex life is fine, but I’m looking for something consistent with passion. My next option is to go out and mingle. Going to club is not my thing. I am an introvert. I have a hard time introducing myself to people and making small talk. I’d rather just Netflix and Chill. Any advice on how I can break out of my shell and mingle?
—Single In The-City
Single In The City,
Girl, we all want to fast forward to the Netflix-and-Chill part of a relationship! You don’t have to be an introvert to be over standing around in high heels and short skirts trying to catch a boyfriend at the club. I want nothing more than for Uber Delivery to figure out how to bag up the perfect man and leave him on my doorstep. But until they do, I’m right here with you trying to live my otherwise fabulous life and keep an eye out for Mr. Right at the same time.
Twenty-six was right around the age that I became super dedicated to dating. I wanted to find the right person before I hit 30. Really lock my life into place. That shit didn’t happen. In retrospect, I wish I’d invested more time (And money — Those club clothes aren’t as cheap as they look…) into my various interests, instead of being so focused on my singleness. I mean, mostly it just made me feel like shit, like I was a failure at love. I also didn’t see any returns on my investment (Unless you count enough fuckboys to write a book about a solid trade-off for time wasted).
When you ask someone how they met the love of their life, they’re probably not like, “Well, I made dating profiles on three different sites and checked them every hour on the hour,” or “I went out to nightclubs five nights a week and latched onto anybody that brushed past me.” I’ve seen just as many people stumble into a lifetime of love and happiness as I’ve seen people whose sole focus was to find love, remain single. Basically, that shit happens when it’s going to happen, and unlike almost every other facet of your life, there’s not much you can do to make it happen faster. This can be hard to hear for women like you and me S.I.T.C. because we’ve been raised to believe you can do anything you put your mind to — Why not your heart too? So, to riff on what our Christian friends advise, sometimes you’ve just got to Let go and let life do its thing.
I think the best way to meet people you click with is to lean into the things you love. The men who’ve fascinated me most in life are the ones who are super passionate about something and have dedicated themselves to exploring that passion. So, while I was chasing them, they were chasing their inspiration. I would have been mega turned off if I ever went out on a date with a dude, and I asked him what he was doing in his spare time, and he responded, “Searching for you.” OK, OK, well maybe in the moment I would have swooned, but later, after coming to my senses, I would have been disturbed by that response. So, just go hard at your hobbies, join groups with that focus, travel to areas that specialize in that thing and go to events dedicated to it. This will keep you out the club and get you meeting people.
If you feel like taking an online dating break, do it. If someone is meant for you, you all will find your way to one another. Louisville ain’t that big. If you miss him on eHarmony this week, he’ll probably be the dude waiting with you at the crosswalk next week. Put less dating pressure on yourself, instead focus on doing what brings you joy.